Sunday, July 31, 2005
You know how you would say you were scared of losing yourself.....
I was scared of how every moment it feels as if it hurt even more knowing you did not care as much, and that I was replaceable. That every moment your attention is on something else, and that.........did I exist for you?
It got sadder. Simple. Truth.
I've lost you some time ago...
Today you've said it. Your sayonara...
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 4:11 AM
Thursday, July 28, 2005
The Japanese's sayonara (pronounced sai-yo-nah-ra) means goodbye. When learning, students are told sayonara is the formal way of greeting a leave from others. Most outsiders from Japan uses sayonara simply as a way of saying goodbye.
Within society though, sayonara is taken to mean farewell, to a long absence of another. To say it, it means the two will not meet atleast for a long time. That is why most people prefer the use of 'ja matta ne' or the shortened form 'ja ne' to mean 'see you' 'until later', which in context wishes for the good health of the other so that they'll meet again shortly. Sayonara is a word that holds much grief,as much as it is taken to mean the death of another, the absence of another..............there isn't a 'later' for them. To say sayonara, it requires much thought, much emotion. It is not a light thing to say farewell.
My business teacher used to stress on the word appropriateness. I think it is appropriate now. Instead of ja ne miinasan.........
Sayonara................................
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 7:34 PM
You're holding me up right now,
(Kimi ga ima boku wo sasaete)
Just like I'm holding you up,
(Boku ga ima kimi wo sasaeru)
So let us clumsily live towards the future, together
(Dakara mayoi nagramo tomo ni ikiteikouyo mirai heto)
Even when I'm together with my friends
(Nakama to tawamure sorenari de itemo)
I feel an emptiness deep inside
(Mono tarinasa wo kanjiteshimau)
You stare at me with those cold eyes,
(Sameta me de mirarete)
As the wind of a dry age blows against me,
(Kawaita jidai no kaze ni fukareteiru)
It if was something I could give up on
(Akiramekireru mono naraba)
I wouldn't have taken notice of it to begin with
(Saisho kara kyoumi motanai)
If I could forget about it,
(Wasurerareru mono nara)
I wouldn't have thought it necessary to begin with
(Hitsuyousa mo kanjinaikara)
I always feel doubt with courage,
(Fuan na kokoro to yuuki ga senaka awase ni natteiru)
But I feel I can make my dream come true now,
(Dakedo ima nara yume wo kono te de kanaete miseruyo)
Though there are days when I get hurt and am about to break
(Kidutsuite kowaresouna hi mo)
And days where I worry you by crying
(Namida shite komaraseru hi mo arukeredo)
We're going to get over it
(Bokura ha sore wo koete ikunda)
Heading higher than anyone else,
(Dareyori ue wo mezashite)
If i live life only for pleasure
(Tanoshii koto dake erande ikitemo)
I won't be able to see anything in my future
(Sono saki niha nani mo mienakute)
So I won't run away from reality,
(Dakara donna koto mo)
No matter what happens, I'll face it,
(Genjitsu kara nigenaide uketomeruyo)
I promise I'll protect everything
(Daiji na mono ga arunaraba)
That's important to me,
(Mamori nuite miserukara)
I'll put everything I have into
(Nakushitakunai mono ni)
Protecting things I don't want to lose,
(Jibun no subete wo kakeruyo)
We're not good with words, so I may hurt you,
(Kiyou jya nai kara toki ni kidutsuke)
And you may hurt me,
(Kidutsuiteiku)
But I think I can walk with confidence now,
(Dakedo ima nara sukoshi jishin wo motte arukeruyo)
There are days when I feel lonely,
(Kodoku dato kanjiru hidemo)
And days when I feel miserable
(Mijime dato kanjiru hi sae arukeredo)
But I know I'm never alone...
(Bokura ha kitto hitori jyanai to omouyo...)
You're here,
(Kimi ga iru)
Why do people sometimes make mistakes...
(Naze hito ha doki ni ayamachi wo...)
I can't regret those mistakes enough...
(Koukai wo shitemo shikirezu...)
Why do people always try to get over it?
(Naze hito ha itsumo soredemoto koeteikou to suru?)
You're holding me up right now
(Kimi ga ima boku wo sasaete)
Just like I'm holding you up,
(Boku ga ima kimi wo sasaeru)
So let us clumsily live towards the future, together
(Dakara mayoi nagaramo tomo ni ikiteikouyo mirai heto)
Sometimes there will be days when I'm hurt and am about to break,
(Toki ni kidutsuite kowaresouna hi mo)
And days when I cry and worry you,
(Namidashite komaraseru hi mo arukeredo)
But we're going to get over that
(Bokura ha sore wo koete ikunda)
Heading higher than anyone else
(Dareyori ue wo mezashite)
Taken from ending edited song Of Hikaru No Go last episode, this was Get Over by Dream...........
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 6:24 PM
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
My heart walks, searching for something exciting,
(Mune no kodou atsuku yurugasu)
That will passionately sway the beating in my chest,
(Shigeki motomete aruku)
My heart,
If I just wait for time to pass everyday,
(Jikan dakega sugiru mainichi jya)
Nothing's going to change,
(Henka ha nai)
Woo wooo,
I won't stop. I want to believe. I want to move forward.
(Tomaranai shinjitai susumitai)
I will test my strength during my life,
(Jibun no chikara tamesu)
My life,
But even if I walk faster, I will definitely lose track of,
(Demo hayaaruki shitatte miotosudake)
The important things,
(Sou kakujitsu ni)
Baby for you...
Tomorrow's wind will blow tomorrow,
(Ashita ha ashita no kaze ga fuku)
But I want to make the most out of this moment now,
(Soredemo ima kono shunkan wo tsuyoku ikitai)
It's Fantasy, even if I'm wandering,
(It's Fantasy, samayotta to shittemo)
Even if I'm in a strange new world,
(Mitakotonai sekai demo)
I'll stand up to it, Believing in myself more than anything else,
(Nani yori mo jibun wo shinji tachimukaou)
It's Destiny. No matter where I am,
(It's destiny, donna basho ni itemo)
I'm surrounded by the same sky,
(Tsutsumu sora ha hitotsu dakara)
So I'll be able to fly,
(Nee motto tsubasa hirogete)
With my wings spread out.
(Habatakeruyone)
~owari~
Song taken from one of the openings of Hikaru no go. Thought it was appropriate.
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 7:18 PM
I have discovered.............wandering around during a go game is not a good thing. It makes you lose a game. Or if you are like me, it makes you lose a game. Techincally........maybe it's just me.
Bottomline...................to tell myself to not wander around when I have a go game. But it's so...............boring to just sit there watching a board and waiting your opponent to move. I usually have KGS chat windows up, or I wander around other rooms seeing what's happening, or pattering around Gaiaonline, or writing my blog, or something. It's just never the game window up.
Bad habit that. I should stop wandering around............................*kushiekushie*
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 6:03 PM
Popped over to the Crown to watch Sin City with nichan and his friends. I've got one word----> intense violence. That's one word because the violence was really that intense. As in every second frame someone was punching someone, or killing someone,or torturing someone or blood was spilt everywhere in paint splashing form.
Abound with sex, there was atleast two naked women in there, and several prostitutes in charge of Old Town (actually that part was pretty cool, there was even a female samurai called Miho who basically takes the guy's head off in smooth whacks with samurai swords..............
I think all that violence has set nausea in. Either that or it's gastric..............
Or that I haven't received enough sleep and it's totally whacking me out of tune. Whatever it is, I'm feeling............really bad right now............
Good news on the other side, I won a game against a 14k? Shows I'm not so bad after all...............
But everything's got me thinking. Was watching Hikaru no go, and Episode fifty something, after Sai's disappearance, Hikaru in his grief decided not to play go anymore because he regretted not letting Sai play all the time and show the go god that Sai is. For me, with the lack of Sai, seeing 9d games and moves such as those K kun makes, which seems random to me and proves to be useful because they do such amazing reading, it's awe inspiring. And leaves me to think...........I can never do those moves. Players of similar level as I am are also able to execute moves such as an invasion between my stones and I am unable to counter and neither am I able to cut their stones. I technically have no idea what I'm doing when I play. I am not that conscious when a go game starts, rather I make a move as my opponent makes a move. It's rather like when I have a dance performance, I move naturally without having to think of the moves. In go however, it's frustrating because I feel I'm playing idiotically when all the great players does deep reading. On one occasion during a chat with K kun as he played, I was relaying news that the other watchers think K kun's group is dead, and he replied that he can do deeper reading and ended up pushing his opponent and saving his group. Nothing more can make me feel even more inadequate.
So I decided to take a sabbatical from go. I'm using my Muarw account and just watching games and occasionally playing without a rank. The one with the 14kyu? today was interesting. After an accidental starting move from me at E16, I decided to give it up and play 'like a dan'. That is made up of random moves with occasional reasons behind them. Instead of saving a stone directly from atari, I tenukied. Instead of responding to an invasion, I took sente and either cut elsewhere or go back to an existing group.
In the end I won, but because I did a rational decision to abandon a corner group to go after the black group in the middle and ended up succeeding to kill it. My opponent resigned.
Ummie..............I actually had some thought on this but I've forgotten it by now cause was busy being involved in philosophical discussion in the English Game Room with a 9d Wolchengi and other players who chips in. It involved suicide, and life, and decisions and girls and go, and pride, and human nature and universities and other weird stuff that randomly pops up and topic changes every two seconds it seems. I'm finding it interesting and disturbed at the same time. Funnily, Wolchengi (2o yr old from USA now in Korea) has some nice thoughts on go and life, but weird ideas on girls. I find them archaic, and he has alot of pride.
It's late, I'm off to sleep, if I can wake up early to catch a friend on kgs, then maybe....................
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 6:21 AM
Tuesday, July 26, 2005
Why I woke up this morning, when I could have rolled around in bed and slept on, more like what Derek is doing right now. Funny, why I drag out of bed every morning to log on before 12 pm..................
Wondering again, about something I have never put into words, but a friend triggered this feeling round about last night. What would happen if I was to die right now........................................it's kind of..............scary in a double sense. True I'm scared of death, yet suicide always hangs about just at the corner of my eye. Then there's the fear that one day I'm going to step out and get hit by a car, or some sort of similar accident. I guess...............that there is something else. Wondering if I'm going to be forgotten. Not many friends in real life, the ones here are all moving on, or hard to reach with most of my nichans in Australia, Obasan is going to America or not, baka roo Kei is in Singapore, another nechan in America......that makes it about five people I consider friends.........abit bleak......................and they are all moving away. The other people I know are all online, ones I meet through fanfiction/fictionpress.net , and more recently through KGS. There isn't really someone close.....I thought for awhile there was, but mostly it's me in delusion. Pisceans like me tend to be. Hanging onto an illusion, trusting too easily in something as insubstantial as dreams.
It's about wanting to believe I think. It hurts too much knowing there is nothing there. Even a possibility can be made real, so my mind creates those possibilities. Only when the veil between dreams and reality falls apart as it is apt to do, then the depression sets in, all too easily.
I'm wondering what will happen if I was to be gone tomorrow......would anyone know? Would anyone care?
I am but a name, made of words upon the net. Will anyone remember me after even one-two weeks? What about after months, after years? To be simply gone, they would not even know................perhaps, more likely, they would not even care.
.............................................................*wonders*
I don't know.....................this is abit bleak. I don't know what to do. And to simply be gone...............they say it's the memories of you that makes you alive, if those memories were gone, then where would I be? Printed words on a screen.........................................
Right now it's tearing me up thinking, knowing that in the end, people will just forget.........
Mere printed words on a screen..............
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 3:29 PM
Where I turn now, song lyrics are giving me my heart's view. They are telling me exactly what I'm feeling and it's bringing a sad smile.
Right now listening to At The Beginning By Richard Marx and Donna Lewis from the Anastacia soundtrack. It's honestly........................romantic...........
Went to uni with nichan after he tried for the sixth time to drag me by the foot off the bed. This was after he took away my blankets and whacking me with pillows.
The law lecture was cool. Big and claustrophobic but cool. The lecturer was funny and stuff was pretty much laid out. Good thing we joined a criminal law seminar. Though the class was pretty much filled up and it ended up that more than 20 students were sitting on the floor................*giggle* nichan and I got seats. *muahahaha*
Then we went to wake up Rayner nichan. Turns out he was already awake and was like me, got out of bed, brushed teeth, logged onto computer ^^.............
Derek went off to class, and Rayner volunteered to 'babysit', which basically means I hijack his comp to leech anime and stuff. We watched a bunch of animes as I jumped from cd to cd, and then decided to get mp3s. So until after Derek came back, I was sitting there listening to songs, and Rayner was trying to make me take more stuff like porn and hentai anime because the stuff I've selected came up to only 200 mb........he's got alot.......
Before I forget Nichan just made chocolate drink concoction with chocolate powder and chocolate milk..........it's intense. He is also now jumping around like a moron...................................and playing air guitar. Nechan suggested he go make a video of that and put it up on the net. I wholeheartedly agrees. And he is now drapping towels up. And for dinner, NICHAN THREW AWAY MY DINNER......................I was in the middle of trying to cook an egg (which came out tasteless and looking weird) and then he took my bowl and dumped everyting and washed it out and, I GOT NO DINNER.
And experienced moments of nausea as I think to myself holding a new bowl of rice and egg, that I'm going to starve or else go to uni and starve.
Nichan just jumped in yelling that I can't write in about his headbanging air guitar thing and reminded me about the criminal law lecture about slandering and that it can't be taken if it's untrue, and then he realised it was true then he said I had no evidence and I pointed to nechan and she said "I'm witness". *muahahahahahaha* Nichan can't do anything in this house..................he now has to work.......*muahahahah again* ..............Man, I miss Kei like anything right now, my evil partner in crime *bursts into tears* *wails* *Keichirou..........................~*
Oh man, nichan showing way funny clips he gets randomly in the net. The recent one was one on a rabbit who fell in love with a cat and is chasing him and he's running away and this totally cute pictures come up, with the running and chasing. And finally he gives up, and waves a flag, and it's just so funny.......
Nichan just informed me I'll end up like him all hunched over the comp.......^^ awww, kawaii...........go see it at Zambakza
Did I remember to write that there was a library with manga in unimelb? Yup, there is. And a go club.
Right now listening to I won't say I'm in love from Hercules soundtrack, sang by Meg.
Anyway, the origin of the post was that I'm going to put up a song, found on the soundtrack of One Piece probably. It's the Dance Carnival song, such a great beat where all the characters were doing a sort of parapara sakura dance.
The lyrics kind of fitted. Enjoy~
I can't express myself in mere words,
Can't express my feelings,
(Kotoba dake ja tsutawaranai tsutaekirenai)
My heart is leaving my body behind,
(Kokoro ga karada oikoshite)
I want to be with you now!
(Ima sugu kimi ni aitai yo)
I can't even wait for one moment,
(Chotto datte matterannai)
The deep night's path will freeze your sighs away,
(Mayonakano hodou toiki wo koorasete)
Ready to, steady go! I'm launching,
(Ready to, steady go! Hashiridashita)
My thoughts at full speed!
(Omoi wa full speed de)
My heart beats swifter and faster,
(Tsuyoku hayaku takanaru kodou)
But my loneliness just won't end!
(Setsunasa aa tomaranai)
Lovin' you. Lovin' me! Let's speed it up!
(Lovin' you. Lovin' me kasoku tsuite)
I just can't control myself!
(Control dekinaiyo)
I want to share my newborn love. Oh shooting star!
(Umaretateno kono itoshisa wo todoketai nagareboshi)
My thoughts at full speed!
(Omoi wa full speed de)
My heart beats swifter and faster,
(Tsuyoku hayaku takanaru kodou)
But my loneliness just won't end,
(Setsunasa aa tomaranai)
Lovin' you. Lovin' me! let's speed it up!
(Lovin' you. Lovin' me kasoku tsuite)
I just can't control myself!
(Control dekinaiyo)
I want to share my newborn love. Oh shooting star
(Umaretateno kono itoshisa wo todoketai nagareboshi)
~owari~
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 12:37 AM
Monday, July 25, 2005
Silence can often speak louder than words. Cliche, but truth.
I'm not a particularly talkative person. In fact the one thing most people get the impression of is that I'm quiet. If they want to be mean, they say I'm withdrawn. If they couldn't understand, they say I'm arrogant for not talking to them. Fact is, I have nothing to say to you. If I'm feeling nice, the silence is because I have nothing to say, so I don't waste time talking about junk. If I'm feeling miserable, the silence is because I don't know why I should be talking to you when essentially all I feel is alone and you are care nothing more than yourself.
Fact is, selfishness is the core of my soul. And I would keep all my thoughts to myself. It's hard to find out if I like you or I don't. If I was in a good mood or not. If I'm thinking you are the most clueless person behind this look, or that I'm simply bypassing whatever you are doing and seeing the person within you. If I'm finding this conversation the most fascinating, or the most boring. I think I've given up trying to tell you.
So used to listening. People rarely want to hear me. At first it was because I was shy, and kept to myself. It soon became that they simply don't or can't hear me. So I sit back. And listen. Stopping myself before saying something, thinking and rethinking an answer to the point that the moment passes, and still I am silent. Listening because this is the way I connect to people.
The internet is great. I don't have to be infront of someone and seek words to say when everything I'm thinking passes quickly. Instead here, my words flow, I can overcome my shyness. But still..................
Still...............what good are my words when no one cares. More often, silence works better. Letting others speak, and thus I listen. And my silence speaks for me, I'm sad, I'm angry, I'm frustrated...................it passes in silence, and I apologise that for a moment I have voiced any discomfort.
Nothing.................it's always nothing............because you matter more.
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 2:15 AM
They can't stop my heart. First line of some song I'm listening to right now.
I prefer that other song by Yui, slower, sadder, nice song to cry to. This one is about partying...................
Went out for steamboat for dinner and met a lot, alot of people.........half of which nichan and nechan don't even know. How do you think I feel. All their friends are bona fide chinese. Like fully. Not one other person of any other ethnicity. It's a little overwhelming. It's ok sometimes since I can speak cantonese, and sometimes when it's a close group but it starts getting claustrophobic when its just one massive group of a people of the same ethnicity and I don't know them and most speak mandarin. I reiterate, it's claustrophobic.
Saw Rayner nichan again. He came back to Melbourne bout two days ago. Mainly the only things he started speaking to me was about dota. D....o....t....a......
Was raining heavily first part of the night. Walking in the rain under my hood and umbrella and thinking it'll be a great time to be out walking as lovers even though the rain was positively trying to soak my jacket. A type of romantic mood has settled into me. I think it's the influence of nechan and nichan.
Tomorrow uni starts, probably be going along with nichan and crashing some law lectures. Don't know how...............
When it gets down to it. I feel like crying.
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 12:37 AM
Sunday, July 24, 2005
I was bored in the afternoon and though it'll be nice to google some people I know.
Favourites topic these days ----> kakashisan, though I'm not sure why. So I googled....................and found some interesting things. K kun famous, mostly go stuff, tourneys, clubs etc................
The I decided to google my name..............got some of my poetry and fanfics, and stories up. Most attached to my old team Taka and Keichirou. One of the good stuff I found was my shadow skill fanfic in a site that I've forgotten. The UK Shadow Skill site has it up. So cool...................
Then through more browsing, I found suddenly our name Taka and Keichirou attached to Fanart. *scratches head* FANART? When did I submit fanart........and Keichirou draws very little. I still remember him wailing about not being able to draw bishonens........or was it girls....so..................
*goes to see site* OHHHHH, those are MINE.................eh, what are they doing here? Some random page with three of my stuff up. *checks main page* Ehhh, it belongs to ryodark who made me a wallpaper before. But I don't remember handing in artwork. Plus I remember those art were up on my blog....................*mystery*
Anyway, searching for Keichirou also yielded alot of our writing.
But man, is my name popular or what. I'm going to kill Kei one day for taking my Ichirou name.........................Sukunami Taka, happens to be the very popular alterego of Tamahome from Fushigi Yuugi. I'm positively going to kill that baka roo.....................................................and typing in Taka yields thousands of other links for some sort of product......... *grimaces*
I'm a writer!! A student!! A blogger!! A (sorta) go player!!
All those stuff aren't registered...............just this anime person.....humph...
I also found out from deathclock.com that I'm going to die on a saturday March 8 in the year 2042..............accordingly I have a BMI of 16...that's underweight and I'm going to die when I'm 56 years old...............that's when I'm pesismistic. I think I die even earlier if I'm sadistic. But optimistic will be in the year 1983.
That's abit depressing....................................
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 1:03 PM
Saturday, July 23, 2005
Surely it was long enough for me to finally realise..........I'm a total failure.
I have no independence. I'm scared like anything to be independant. I can't cook. I can't drive. All my 12 years of education did nothing. I can't talk to people. Even when I decide to open my mouth, no one can hear me. I draw like crap. I can't write even though I'm in self delusion or self denial about my imagination. I have no friends, the people I go to school with hardly knows me and everytime after graduation they just go away or stay with other people which doesn't include me. I have probably failed my A levels and can't go to uni. I have no idea what I'm doing when playing go.
I'm scared all the time. Don't know who, don't know what I am. Have to always pretend ............to be the good student, to be the good child, to be the good friend, to be invisible, to be more than I am. I'm not funny, nor kind, nor nice, nor clever, nor friendly, nor interesting. I'm bitter and angry and sarcastic and possessive and useless.........
Been playing go and knowing I deserve to be thrown out. Even though I scored a few wins that seem to suggest I am 14k, the next minute I'm massacred by a 16k and a 17k. Complete massacre of over 40 points difference. Two words: I suck.
It is so selfish of me. Sitting here, thinking I, I, Me, Myself...........looking out the window. Seeing the quiet city with barely flickering lights. An ambulance just went past.........................
Tired and alone.
Fabricate volunteered to review my games. K kun busy playing with someone. Don't know if I have the strength to ask him.........
Fab kun is nice.........................................
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 11:00 PM
Some sort of plea. I can't anymore. I don't think I handle it. Everything is falling apart, feeling as if physically I'm falling sick, mentally I'm torn. Can't think straight, can't breathe, I can't freaking breathe, trying to clutch at myself and it's screaming at me, it keeps saying no no no no no no, I'm going to collapse..............
It's just hard. Nichan and nechan has gone to dota with their friends. I thought I could be alone and relax a little, and it's just becoming worse. Haven't been eating right, I don't even think I had breakfast and lunch, and I'm burning up.
I don't know what I'm doing..........or what to do. Just shaking really badly.....being cold. I feel bad. Sick. Guilty.
Hard to breathe...........
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 9:45 PM
Nechan came back *wow she's early* and declared evilly that her rats are dead......
*ding dong the rats are dead, the rats are dead*
Now she has some free time before the next batch.........
and then she took out something slimy and it turned out to be a chicken carcass which she is going to make soup from. In fact she has several chicken carcasses. And for those who don't know what a chicken carcass is, it's a chicken with everything stripped away so you get this white pulsy looking thing.....................
There is a reason why I don't cook.........
Nicer note, I finally get the chance to wake nichan up. Unfortunately nechan forbid me to take ice and put them in the bed, so I was reduced to taking nichan's kendo stick and poking him with it. Minimal damage, he just groaned and grabbed the stick and hung on to his blankets when I tried to take it......................
I need a better plan....................he is still asleep............
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 3:12 PM
Was browsing............ok, I'm in the midst of browsing through other blogs via the 'next blog' button and it's shocking to see what type of blogs turn up. Most are normal, sometimes cutesy, sometimes dark, sometimes plain.................and then some times weird advertisement blogs whether for some product such as acne cream and telephone lines or americanism, and then other times *grimaces* blogs that feature sex.
It first came up when nichan sent me a link about a prostitute blogging about her 'job'. Frankly that actually was not that bad. Though I didn't agree with most of what she said as I don't think most prostitution is consensual and legalising them would merely perpetuate the problem of human trafficking, it's still rather tastefully done. Nice clean blog. And nichan and I spent the next hour arguing her points..............
Today though, I came across two separate blogs *makes face* with pictures...........and I think one of them bordered on paedophilia.........it featured kids certainly in underwear. I think that constitutes as paedophilia........
I'm wondering about people's fascination with sex. According to nichan it's because it's natural and nice. For someone who is oblivious ------> *points to self* who have yet to discover, I can accept his point of view. But I don't know why playboy for example exists or why sex blogs featuring people in very private positions exists. Does it look like I want to see as I'm browsing through?
The internet is dominated by kids and these sites are open for everyone to see. No wonder there is so much uproar over internet locks and parental supervision. I think tho that it rests on the maturity of the net goers. If you're interested, then stop and view, if you aren't then move on. We should be able to trust ourselves right? For parents believing that you should be protecting your kids by banning and supervising sites, it'll just push those kids to find the sites themselves in private. Ignorance acts as a very strong vacuum through which kids and teens are dragged into looking for new knowledge. It's even more dangerous then cos we have no idea what we are doing. Have I mention chat sites? Yeah those especially.
For the people who actually put sexual sites up for porn, or disguising porn sites as blogs, go find a therapist.
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 11:55 AM
Was browsing through some blogs and came upn this test. Yeah I know I'm no longer into Harry Potter ever since book four where all the plot line became really clear and by book five where all he did was rant, but book six atleast had some redeeming qualities and we all knew Dumbledore was to die ............yay Snape.........
so here I seen to have gotten a Holly with Dragon wand. Cool
| 12", Holly, Dragon You scored 42 wisdom, 33 bravery, 15 emotional, and 22 martyrdom! |
Holly is a powerful protective wood that good for use against evil, but it also represents dreams and fertility. Your dragon's heartstring core makes your wand very effective in hexes. |
My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
|
| Link: The Harry Potter Wand Test written by sputnik845 on Ok Cupid |
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 11:37 AM
Went out looking for new winter wear. Stuff are really expensive. *mutter about student poverty*
Apparently not having eaten much and then going out for pancakes dripped in maple syrup and icecream and a big ice chocolate drink also with icecream tends to give you feelings of nausea..................
That isn't good........................
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 12:18 AM
Friday, July 22, 2005
Bringing my palms forward and locking my hands on top of each other, I moved forward and settled down, a smooth deliberate action as I knelt and bowed my head....................acquiescence.....submission.
Looking out the window, the clouds are thick yet scattered, hanging gray as if tearing the blue sky into pieces. It is quiet….staring long enough, discerning the unhurried path of the clouds, obscuring yet more sky and light.
Have you wished the wind to blow the other way, to tear off those grayness and whirl them in a frenzy. Have I wish for rain, so that lightning may strike and bring light and thunder to scream, forcing the thrill and fear into my throat........
And bring that clear empty blade to be slashed with redness, warmth.........
Staring at these empty hands............I see blood, I see loss. I see nothing. Nothing to hold, to clasp and say mine. They are open, yearning........pleading.........cold.
The feeling hangs this craven body within the air, at a perfect moment of inability to move, all memories and thoughts hammering to find an outlet........overcomes and discard this body.
There is always this silence, and silent body. Refusing to call out even though the pain tears aside within.........will you not reach out and take my hand, will you reach out and take someone else’s............
Or seeing these tears fall to the ground, I am hunched and broken, attempting to heal by crying without sound because no one can hear but still, even these emitted tears will waste away…. Allows me to find some peace because I can see this, visible proof that your words hurt me, that your neglect leaves a little of me behind to rot behind this line of smiles, falsity becomes my sun infront of thunderclouds, it is my armor.
Kimi Wa...
by Sukunami Taka
Kneeling before you,
My front has fallen away,
No true self can be as visible,
It's as if the sun has retreated and brought out meaning,
Can you ever forgive me,
These whispers speak themselves of me,
I see through your eyes,
The pain you bear for yourself,
Will you not let go,
Bring your hand towards mine,
The bright roadway stands silent,
Empty waiting for two souls to cover with soft footsteps,
Not wanting to release our hands,
Intertwined and laced,
Occasionally a shadow mars,
Making it seem your hand isn't there,
Where you could once be,
Don't talk to me of pain,
What you could be offering,
So much greater,
Do you not think I can feel it,
That I am silent,
The only silence speaking in thunder,
Trying to reach your mind,
Through this concrete, I cannot pierce,
I'm beating furiously, failing, collapsing,
Defeated upon the floor and waiting,
For your hands to brush the burning tears from my cheek,
Bowing my head, waiting...............
-end-
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 4:10 PM
Go is one of the simplest and the most complicated studies I have ever come across. It is said that Go is easy to learn but you can never master it.
K Kun stated that Go cannot simple be said to be a game. No game can draw you into its depths and keep your fascination and entrace your senses into discovering everything that Go is.
Also called Baduk and Weiqi, Go has span to capture players around the world, this is evident from the variety of players found in the international go servers such as KGS, IGS, Cyberoro among others.
I've been playing since February. This is slight in comparison to players who have played their whole lives and who have dedicated themselves to becoming dans and pros. Yet I can't say that I'm not hooked. I fail time and time again and encounter such bad plays that I am filled with guilt and sadness and frustration and yet everytime I return to KGS and play more.
I've discovered something. Go is about self discipline and inner peace. It allows you to take advantage of your opponent's conflict. Thus Go is not about fighting your opponent but mastering your own emotions. No one can be perfect, thus every go game is unique and comes closer to that one perfect move they call the Hand of God......................every player striving to find their inner peace.........................................every now and then, you reach this peacefullness within yourself, and you play a great game to the point that you know you can win. That exhiliration is unstoppable. It is withing you, driving you forward...............everything feels unstoppable.........
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 3:14 AM
Thursday, July 21, 2005
NO MORE CURSE OF THE NICHAN...........muahahaha. I finally escaped. Woke up at 9.58 am and dragged my sleep leaden eyes towards the comp.................logged onto KGS and K kun not on............. -.- so boring...............
then........K KUN CAME ON..................yay, time to jump around and glomps people *snuggles to lil hamsterkun*
Seriously, I have no idea why I feel so happy today. It's like something went click and I don't even think about it but I feel like rolling around and smiling and laughing. I guess it's because the last few days I've been abit of a drag, tired and cold and not willing to smile much. Emotions have been kind of railing around and I've been more sensitive to what others do and say like the past few days encountering all those negativity from new players on KGS.....so I've been stuck with this anger and sadness.................
And talking to K kun kindda works.............hmmm.......he isn't very good in the listening part, as a little chibi he tends to wander off or as a KGS assistant he goes off totally to do something else, so if I was complaining/crying/pouring my heart out, I would be faced with an agonising aftermath of silence with no response from him unless I say something less sad such as a 'miao' or 'huggles' or 'so how are you', then he'll respond .................I think it's either cos it's less traumatising or else the blinking light and rrrriiiinnnnngggg that comes from private messaging finally alerted him to what I have said................
But it's because then I'm forced to think in a more chibi way, that I become more happier. Things become simpler, when I think in terms of huggles/cuddles/snuggles and rolling around in the grass or diving into lakes. And saying kwee has to be done in a cute lil chibi way and you cant help but go awww.............unless I felt really sad which will result in my 'kwee........' <----- like so.........
For some reason I'm beginning to feel more chibilike..........a chibi in japanese more commonly seen in anime/manga is the childlike, often humorous version of the grownup anime characters. I'm beginning to see what K kun was talking about...............it's as if everything is new and finding pleasure in seeing everything. Today was out with nichan going to Victoria market to buy groceries for cooking, and for breakfast/lunch (brunch) I got this jam donut and nichan got this massive hotdog with everything on it. Anyway, when we were eating I was thinking the whole time about the sugar on the donut, which comes off and sticks to the face and I was having a fun time licking the sugar off. And giggling all the time. It's so funny. Besides freaking nichan off and having insane convos with K kun......
Like on the way to Victoria market, nichan said the crowds around his fav hot dog store was similar to those in singapore and I asked "Singapore has crowds?" and he just looked in horror and burst out laughing. He said that's almost as good as "What is nasi lemak?"
We came back about 12............and put stuff here and there while I rushed back to KGS (yes I know I'm addicted to KGS, it's ...........well known)
Nichan promptly dragged me back to the kitchen to cook.....*shudders*
Torture has never seen so good.............
Firstwe had to wash the beef which was scotch beef (dunno what that is honestly)........Putting in my hands and actually touching raw beef.....touching!! It felt like it was filled with mucus, running it under the water and then I had to cut the horrible mucusy meat with scissors into tiny bite size pieces and throw away the whitish fat stuff *makes grimacing face*
The worst was to come........time to mix in curry powder and marinate the meat in by mixing it all up and I had to use my hands...........AGAIN!! THE HORROR has stared me in the face and it was known as curry beef!! Digging my hand in, and 'massaging' as nichan ordered me to, massaging the beef into curry powder..............
*sigh*
Nichan was having tons of fun seeing my 'pain'..........he couldn't contain his laughter seeing me picking up a piece of beef and trying to prod it into the curry powder without touching everyting.........apparently that's not possible......
The next half an hour was filled with tears. Literally. CUTTING UP ONIONS!! I've never understood the crying when chopping up onions, but now I do..........the moment the knive slashes through the skin it's as if your eyes are on fire, that refuses to be quenched no matter how many times you blink or the amount of tears that overflows to block ur own visio.........the pain is unbelievably bad, not as bad as cramps, but these were like fire in your eyes! Both of us staggered around trying to get to fresh air, blinking like new born puppies.............
Then I took a cleaver and set to smashing apart and thuck-thucking the onion into teeny weeny lil pieces..........
The frying/stewing/cooking part was not so bad. We were armed top to toe in armor i.e. long sleeves, oven gloves, glasses (nichan was scared of burning oil too!!) and standing two feet away from the simmering pot.............holding a wooden spatula and stirring the curry concoction.......
SUCCESS! I can cook..............
The curry smells great..........poured in coconut milk.......stir more, and back to KGS!
7.30 pm Dinner- Curry beef........tastes abit bland........I think it needs sugar...............or salt..........................maybe something.............................it's tasting like sand now..................................oh no, this is bad..........
*finishes dinner and throws the contents out*
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 9:50 PM
Actually managed to wake up by myself and got on KGS--------> muahahaha, and talk to K kun, which mostly involve rolling around grass.........yeah we are abit insane sometimes but it's fun, try roleplaying sometimes........
Nichan insisted on dragging me out or he says I will gather mothballs unless I go out once a day...........and the minute we stepped out, owwwwwwww------> headache. It was like screwdrivers being driven into the sides of my head at the same time..........and it got worse and worse until we got out of the cold. Nechan wanted nasi lemak.........................
When I accidentally said 'what's nasi lemak?', both nichan and nechan nearly choked and chased me around the streets. 'What's nasi lemak???? YOU ASK WHAT'S NASI LEMAK?????' that's what they yelled.........then they dragged me to the shop and we sat down and ate.................after nichan got his Fallafels.........
And we bought candy......................
I'm wondering if on the net I'm exuding some sort of motherly appeal that everyone clings onto me............it's so annoying and frankly I've gotten to the stage where I turn into 'I don't freaking care' mode and is very abrupt in what I type........................today this newbie german player who claims to be a friend of Michan but whom I think is Michan cos they have a similar play and way similar attitude (they play players who are about 10 stones stronger and still insist on no handi) and they kept insisting on playing me to 'prove' something. Anyways, the new person Kanye shows a rank of 14k? but Iknow it's much lower by the way he filled in his eyes and kept playing even tho his groups are dead. He also lost by over 200 points to a 12k. And then 70 over to the 13k rankbot. He had the cheek to challenge me and said 'look at our game files against the bot and say who won'. Cos I've played this bot and won by about four points, but I've played defensive while he clicked stones everywhere, he yelled that he was the better player. I'm sick of players like these who keeps challenging me for no reason and then starts screaming negetivity at me..............
For the first time I actually censored somebody..........
Reason why I said I seem to be exuding motherly heatwaves is that alot of other people does the same thing to me. It's like a neverending 'PLAY ME NOW' and they refuse to give up even though I say no. Or else it's like Jet who sits on my feet and chews on balls.........................for the former, I've always played those players atleast once if not more, so I don't hold some sort of 'I owe you a game' and neither do I have to accept your challenge. I'm NOT some sort of cow who gives milk every two seconds, you want a game, you be nice and ask nicely, then I decide whether I'm in the mood or not................
*mutters*
Nichan broke out alot of stuff to eat...........during some insane matches with Lax sama (one of my senseis) and there was nutella on bread which I stole from nichan and then some sweet biscuits...........very ..............I think I'm getting tummy ache............
So..................I think time to shower........
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 4:05 AM
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
Awhile ago I wrote of a woman who went to jail because she shot her father to death, her father who was protected for over 30 years because he was a sheriff and had been sexually abusing the woman and her two sisters their whole lives since they were children.
Sometimes I wonder why I want to be a lawyer when the law itself is corrupt and inefficient (I wrote about this too..........sigh...............)
Let's take a sidestep and go into family law.
Custody issues are complicated. Generally no one can have the presumption that one parent is not fit to have custody over their child/children. Custody law usually make that judgement based on the ability of the parents to care for the child in question, if the parent was mentally sound and possesses the capability of supporting the child's life. If the child was under the age of one, generally the mother has automatic custody should she fulfil the prerequisites stated above, because it is said that the emotional growth of a child depends on a maternal bond. Then there are also the little additions of child support care etc, which I assume came about if custody was decided and the father agrees to give support for the mother's custody..........................
Then we come to laws governed by religion. Islamic law dictates that muslims take precedence over people of other religions and even if they don't dictate this, it is definitely practiced. Muslim law also sees the man as of greater ability and power, so..............if you are muslim and male you are all powerful. Don't laugh, it's true...................under islamic law anyways.......
So we arrive on the day which was two days before my Oxford interview for my mother to tell me that custody rights was contrary to what I had believed to be undecided and that we were hiding all these while to avoid being called to court and in actuality custody rights was already awarded to my biological father and that I had lived a f***ed up life all this while cos my mother didn't use her right mind with the phrase 'he didn't WANT custody of a child of some woman he didn't want to stay married to' and instead she assumed that one day he will return. What was he going to do...............appear one day and said he did wrong? or else come back and said the best thing he ever did was not claiming me into his life...............
Nichan has put on a FIR song........it's good............................................................................
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 3:33 PM
For this morning..........
Actually my alarm went off at 10 but I rolled over and slept and nichan decided after waking up himself sometime in the afternoon to stroll into my bedroom and click stuff. This was like at 4 something. I could hear someone moving around and lights being switched on and then all of a sudden, cold wind comes gusting in my direction. This resulted in alot of groaning until nichan switched on the hairdrying and pointed at me sleeping in the bed...........which resulted in more groaning until he dragged at the blanket and finally took away the pillows...................then I woke up..................
Went over to one of his friend's house where I leeched a dvd drive and animes *muahahahahaha* and then we went to Safeway and got a bunch of stuff, mostly food and snacks and kitchen rolls.......oh yeah we went to a vietnamese restaurant for beef noodle soup *lunch at 5 in the afternoon*. It was good but cant compared to the one at MV.........
So we came back, don't know if we had dinner...............kind of, this is kind of weird cos brekafast, lunch and dinner is at whatever time and ........so........
oh yeah, we had chocolate drink at Max Brenner's, where they give you hot milk in a small metal container with a candle underneath to keep heating and you pop in chocolate drops into the milk.......it was kind of ok, rich, but not that sweet. I like my hot chocolate sweet ^^............but the atmosphere for so great. Mellow, and the decorations were a mix between metal and wood, all in squares and class, very clean, with jazz music in the background. A definite place to bring ur date there..............its very romantic.........
I think I'm addicted to Kgs............anyhow, had a teaching game with Slade who reiterated nichan's advice for me to concentrate on my fuseki...........I lost by 14 points..................
There is a record..............
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 12:04 AM
Monday, July 18, 2005
Ok............to read Eepin's sabotage of my post, read below. Here I continue that at 12.15 nichan decided to wake me up cos Eepin was coming all the way from the suburbs and accordingly it was very hard for him to come into the city cos he lives very very far and it would be very bad to not go see the Rialto when he has come so far......
So nichan came in, flicked the light switch up and down several times and then he dragged my nice blankets away then he came and took my pillow away...........and I was forced to run after him for pillow and blankie and ended up eating cake for breakfast and washing up and then waited for Eepin, and then we went up Rialto tower to the observation deck and saw melbourne. First we saw a movie on Victoria state and we were laughing at the song that goes "melbourne, melbourne, our city of life"
Then we met Vincent and went to his apartment where his brother Ming showed a few episodes of Basilisk (bit weird with lots of killing) and Trinity Blood (vampires way cool) and I made away with his DN Angel collection which stops at episode 16, so sad.................
All of us went out to dinner---> Japanese restaurant and ate these rice with stuff on top that came in a container within a box of wood. Not bad.......then off to the arcade and then home where Eepin and Steph hijacked the comp to listen to music and at the same time to sabotage my blogpost........ ><
Last night staying up all night was so much fun. Nichan was finding these hilarious go related humour of nuclear tesujis and bad habits and weird books like how to get strong at gote and we were laughing away at me having to shuttle between games with Lax and with nichan on his living room floor............we ended up waking Steph who came and gave one glare like Samara from those Japanese Ghost movies and we both froze and apologised profusely. A few hours later the alarm went off and she refused to get up cos she didn't get enough sleep and was cursing at Derek and it was just so funny cos these two are so boliao with each other and nichan was singing and then they were laughing and I was being grossed out about them cuddling in bed and was relaying this to K kun, and we were both laughing so much..............
Sighs happily...................
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 11:34 PM
Finally after leaving kgs at around 9 something, having a real great hot shower, I decided to pop over to bed at 10 am in the morning........blissfully tumbled into bed in full outgoing clothes and slept until nichan decided
I like monkeys... so many monkeys.. this is Derek btw.
MMMMMMMmmmm.................
I won derek in Go today. I can edit this anytime I want.... anyways.. back to my life. I won derek... yes... I trashed... really.. he SUX. He's so bad, I can win him with one eye closed and one hand tied behind my back.
Did I mention i was colour blind...
Oh yar.. I met a wonderful guy today. His name is EePin. OMG, he is so totally cool. I wish there were 7 of him, singing at the same time. The voice of an angel. Ahhhh... subarashi~~~~~~~~
On another note, I think I hate Melbourne. Cause it's really cold. So cold... cause I don't really wear much. In the time it takes for me edit this.. a lot of pple would havce read this already...
So thus... to end.... Eepin is frigging cool......
*This post was intercepted and edited by Eepin. He and Steph stole this computer as Taka (me) was playing go with Derek. They played alot of songs then they sabotaged Taka's blogpost starting with the I like monkeys sentence. They are very weird.....................this is not Taka's fault but this was the result of their interference and is kept because it's rather funny. Real post comes after this. Thankyou*
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 10:01 PM
Sunday, July 17, 2005
Was suppose to go meet Norman at 1pm. Alarm went off at 10. I rolled and went back to sleep. NEVER ROLL IN BED WHEN YOU HAVE TO WAKE UP. Simple rule. When alarm goes ring, you blink, you get out of bed, you go shower. You do not roll. Then you wouldn't need to sheepishly sms the guy who was suppose to show you the law school and melbourne campus and tell him that you woke up but slept again and so can he make it 2pm instead and then half an hour later sms him to meet you in front of the city baths cos that's way closer to where you are staying with your friends and furthermore you are heck scared of meeting his other friends at a place which is far in walking distance and you are prone to getting lost anyway.
So..........don't roll in bed............
There has got to be a law against cold..........
Went around the law building where all the classes are in one place, very modern, and computer friendly. Walked to the main campus, such a long walk. This is going to be bad if I start here cos I have to run between law and art classes.......
Main campus looked way cool tho. Archaic stone walls, with lots of open lawns, and trees. Very poetic.
Discovered blood in my right sock. My toes apparently started bleeding from walking too much. Discovered cut into my middle toe, so cleaning of both toe and sock ensued...................
Then went on a cold trip all the way to nechan's hospital where she works for the research of cancer by .........torturing rats............as far as I can tell cos they inject cancer cells into the rats, then put them in pressure chambers then bleed them then cut them open...................weird and morbid fascination......
hmm....................
We kindda bum around, playing with rats and looking at the place and eating freddos (chocolate frogs), and after a few hours the rats were taken out of the pressure chamber and returned to their cages..........oh yeah, we also saw a pipe with a warning label saying 'contain asbestos, keep away' and it was right in the room............
We finally caught the train again at around eight, and kept on reading the new book of Harry Potter which is way better than the last book btw, this one is finally moving and back into the original charm. Problem is that Harry seems to be having 'feelings'for Ginny Weasley.......
It's kindda hard...............seeing nichan and nechan together. I've just realised how Harry feels, being in the middle of lovers. And me seeing Derek and Steph together................on the train ride back, she rested her head on his shoulder and his tilted and rests on her head and such a sweet picture.............they were completely at ease with each other and I...............felt totally and miserably alone................
Kindda................sucks............
On way back, ate some risotto, while nichan got eggplant chips and nechan ordered banana pancakes...............for dinner........
Tasted great actually those pancakes.......with vanilla icecream.......man.........................
And then we walked back and unfortunately their fav icecream shop was closed so we went to another one and we bought a very expensive piece of chocolate cake and some icecream (rocher, tiramisu and rock melon )
Played two rounds of go with nichan, lost by 14 points in both rounds. But so much fun. Like I was running back and forth from the go board to the computer to go on kgs and then Lax sama came on and wanted to play so I played a series of 9x9 as well as the main game with nichan and it was the most hilarious thing cos nichan got up to see the kgs games, and he kept screeching in a hissing voice (cos we needed to be quiet in order not to wake nechan) that I was doing wrong moves and I kept on clicking and got decimated and we fell apart laughing. Oh yeah collected a bunch of quotes from Lax who says 'Lets fight dirty' and then 'Ok, only fight dirty when you play to kill sumthing and not urself'......
And nichan just told me that my mid game and yose rocks but my opening is my weak point and he handed me a 'how to get strong at fuseki' book...........as well as the last book on hikaru no go...........I WANT THE ANIME WHICH IM MISSING EPISODES 50 SOMETHING TO 60 SOMETHING..............
Kindda hungry right now and my toe hurts...............and feeling slightly miserable. Got totally blasted by Jet awhile back. She's miffed that I'm refusing her as a 'wolfie' and whatever, but I was really mad at her attitude. Like she kept refusing to play cos she didn't want to look weak and she 'doesn't know go', then why was she on a go server? She has such a pertinent attitude to everyone and it's horrible. Today I was commenting about my games with nichan in Sabaki and she cuts in and says 'this is getting annoying. cant you be quiet or pm someone who cares'. Nice..................real nice.....................
Everything is..............morbid right now..
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 10:02 PM
Saturday, July 16, 2005
Finally went to bed at................5am this morning.........and slept............mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, I like sleep.....
and all of a sudden this thundering Chopin music comes wafting into my room ><........
Nichan's way of waking me up....nice guy *wakes up sleepily*
Have I told you what a great shower I had last night. Wow. Hot. It was hot and just washed away the cold and the pain the feet and the sleepiness. It was hot.
Today had to be out of the apt by 11 to meet Gabbie to go to Continuum which was a sci fi convention with nichan's fav author Neil Gaiman and nechan's fav Robin Hobb; both of whose works I haven't read or in the case of Gaiman, reading American Gods and not really liking it..........
Stopped at A lil Greek Brasserie for breakfast. Ordered an almond in chocolate and then discovered it was rock hard. Wasn't brownies.........was rock hard chocolate.......................hmmmmmmmmmm............nichan had this oversweetened pastry........
Walked over and took the tram abit and arrived at the hotel where the Convention was. At first we didn't see much. Paid for tickets ($60 wow) and got our badges and then we went walking around and found the hall where Gaiman was to speak. Saw a woman with a full sleek hair of white in traily black lace dress *wow*......and then Gaiman come to the podium. He was actually cool. Funny. Did a bit of reading from his new book as his speech (his new book sounds great, even better than American Gods) and shown screenshots of the movie Mirrormask that was his graphic novel. I think.............
Kinnda sad when it finished, but nichan wanted to buy hard cover copies of American Gods and some of his graphic novels for the signings. So did Gabbie so we checked out the dealers area. ^^ books...........nice..........but none of the authors I know so..........got a couple of books including Gaiman's Smoke and Mirrors. And we were rushing here and there trying to find the books these two and Steph wants, and then to stand in line.
Oh man.....this was taking freaking long time. Just standing there, being bored and tired with a headache. I was prostrate on my feet with aching numbing feelings...............holding the books for signing, all for other people, and with a heavy coat and being very tired..........so not happy........
After 45mins, we arrived to the front, dumped the books, stood for photo, which took some time cos the woman holding nichan's camera didn't know how to work it so it took some embarassing time, then finally we could go. Rather, we collapsed in a corner somewhere. Brief stops at the auction and at a panel forum and then time to go home........
*coooold* The wind is blowing. Harsh. Cold. Icy. Ow. Walked like a dead zombie all the way to the train station and then back to the apartment. Oh yeah, made a stop at Borders and bought copies of the new Harry Potter. Discovered that the purchase gave 30% discount for other books. The convention also gave gift bags that contained a 15% discount for books too. Way cool. On way back home we stopped at a stationary shop and I got this cute packet of pens and book. Made way too many purchases today. Im broke by now..............bad bad..........
Back home, yummy, more leftovers while waiting for pizza and pasta to be delivered. Oh man, pizza taste good. Pasta taste good.............wow............*drools*
Nichan fell asleep on the couch after cracking open Harry Potter while I play a teaching game with a beginner.Finished, and a 7k jumped in and showed some funky invasion moves. Way cool. Go is such a magnificent game. There's always something new and we are always learning and trying to get better.And when you do that one move that makes every perfect sense on the board, it's like wow........you feel invincible. You feel like everything has descended and that move just scored you the board...........wow.............happened last night in the game with nichan, it totally rocked especially since I was making weird moves and losing half the board. A feint and then I got back the half board............hehehe.....
Owww..........legs hurt way too much.............I'll log off for now, got to wake up tomorrow to meet Norman and see unimelb.........kk.....baibai....*limps off*
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 10:45 PM
Alarm went off at ten. Don't care, snuggles back into bed. Alarm goes off again.....wth.............oh, phone.........hello............huh?........oh.............that's nice......
It was some newphew of some guy of a friend of my mother's who is doing fifth year commerce law at Unimelb and he said he wanted to show me around........that's nice actually, but so early in the morning with me groggy and so not perceptable towards people..........what does perceptable mean anyway...........
Spent some time walking around in the bathroom trying to get warm. Then tried to make myself breakfast which turned out to be a concoction of bread, peanut butter and kaya with soya milk.........
Kgs..................muahahaha...........oh yeah, Nichan has a bonafide goban with go stones and everything. We spent last night playing, I lost tho....sigh...
Went out...........it's cold.Really it is............just cold, my nose was freezing and we walked......my feet hurt.......went to nichan's place which except for the not working and keyboardless comp, is actually quite cool. Small, but airy and nice........
And we went out again.........walked around alot of place, checking malls and streets.........met a couple people, came back, started a go game, nechan came back and we went out dotaing with a group of their friends..................
DOTA IS SO BORING................especially when I totally cannot play and end up dying like 20 times.............helplessly................
started another game, this time I got to choose my hero so I got Revenant again *yes*..........marginally better cos he's a long range with impressive attacks.....................this time I only died...........seven or eight times.....................and then we bought some greek kebabs and went back, and finished the go game and my feet hurts and my head hurts from the cold and I need to take a shower and it's late...........................it's 3 am now........*yawn*
Nitenite................tomorrow nichan wants to go to some convention with Neil Gaiman there.............*yawn*
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 4:05 AM
Friday, July 15, 2005
As I walked into the immigration alone, my heart was churning, thinking all the time, I can't do this, I will get lost, I will start crying......and I kept looking back at my grandmother who is standing above.Then the line moved and I went forward and inserted my passport and got admitted and then, I'm alone. This is it.
I couldn't breathe, just kept rocking myself, finding the signs, moved to the gate.......................and rocking, back and forth, trying to find calmness. I think I was going to throw up.........
On the plane............seated next to this family who ignored me the whole trip. Basically. So I took my pills, arranged my blankets *brrrr, cold, feet, cold*...................put on the headphones and listened to j-pop. Until brunch came, which was this sweetened beef thing.........I took like 10% of it.
And trying to sleep..........banging my knee at the seat infront of me because the woman tilted it back as soon as the plane left off...........and it turned out that during the whole trip, her daughter who was so small and sleeping horizontally across the seats was infront of me all the time, so............I slept badly and nearly wrenched my knees and probably did permanent damage by twisting my legs to the side to avoid banging them for nothing except that I didn't want to disturb the person in front..............
It's cold.........and I'm hungry.......
Followed the people pass immigration and through the whatever line, and now onto luggage retrieval........someone taps me, I turn.........NICHAN........wth......................
Turns out he got a flight finally. IN BUSINESS CLASS. READING MANGA THROUGH HIS COMP. Angry muarw..............and we went through this long line through customs and finally got out and saw Steph---> nechan and gf of nichan, and those two ah...................cuddlesome.............>< I feel so thirdwheely and it was cold........and night..............><
And we went back to her place and there were stuff everywhere.........every type of stuff. Apples on the floor, greased pan in the sink, books strewn here and there, empty boxes, detergent............and my 'room' was filled with stuff too.....................................*runs to nichan's studio*
Anyway it was pretty cool. Like I can more or less do whatever I want, with access to a comp, tho it doesnt allow msn and had to download cgoban but its broadband!!!
And there's no set time for anything.............
Ate some funky chicken egg rice concoction, showered (with the spray unwittingly soaking me from head to foot eventho I didn't want my hair wet)then read a little of American Gods by Gaiman, and went to sleep..............
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 12:58 AM
Thursday, July 14, 2005
hey^^ well, just wanted to get myself introduced here, and settled in.
big thanks to taka for all of the b-day cuddles, and the cute post^^
Mused by K around 2:17 PM
Sunday, July 10, 2005
Today is K kun's bday ^^
Turning 17 today and I think falling in love...........awwwww, sweet........
^^ Anyway, wishing you a happy birthday and lots of cuddles *cuddles*
Love ya K kun............ganbatte in your Simul massacre
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 10:47 PM
Saturday, July 09, 2005
Humbug.
When I started on KGS, I floundered around but got on my feet due to a few nice players. Sure there were some mean ones, but overall most whom I played were willing to give reviews and were polite. As simple courtesy, I gave them their due respect and politeness. It's even tradition in go to be polite to your opponent.....
So when I got stronger, I thought it'll be nice to help out some new beginners, and I like going around seeing some 30kyu games and giving a few reviews and encouragement along the way. Generally I'm nice, unless you start pissing me off, which is rare......
Until now.................
For the past three days on kgs, the beginners I talk to are rude and arrogant. When they ask a question and an answer is volunteered, they don't say thanks, they mock the person who has volunteered the information.
Such as a simple correction on the ranking types - kyu, not kyo, was met with 'Shut up'. An explanation about handi games affecting rank was met with a 'That wasn't what I asked' even though that was exactly what the person has asked but wasn't an answer he wanted. Come on, a handi game of a 30k against a 9d? How the heck is that suppose to give you a rank, but of course the beginner just wanted to 'know' that he 'can' get a rank by playing against a 9d.......................
I'm finished with my rant...................humbug
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 12:11 AM
Friday, July 08, 2005
7.05 am- I’m horrendously sleepy. My mind is still awake although I’m trying to scream to it to sleep. Maybe the screaming part should stop……………………………..I think I hear the door. Huh, mother is back………………
10.00 am- Oh god……………….lousy alarm…………………>< I want to sleep…………my blankets are all nice and cosy……….
10.45 am- Oh no……………I’m suppose to be awake. Have to go out with nichan at 2 pm. Got to eat, and wash my hair and gain some outer appearance dignity back!!
10.46 am- I’m waaaaaaakiiiiing……………………….
10.50 am- Huh? Letter? YES, maybe it’s from unimelb with an offer. Oh, it’s UCL again………..congratulations on your admission into UCL…….yadayada, quality of applicants rising………..yadayada…………….etc etc……………..oh……………..
11.30 am- I’m going to throw up. I feel queasy, and sick and nauseous and my head doesn’t feel so right………………….
11.31 am- Nichan calls to cancel outing. He has dentist appointment…….
11.32 am- Damn, damn, damn……………………..Sitting in the bathroom with my body keeled over, arms pressing against the floor trying to draw some sort of feeling into them so as to distract me from whatever mental illness my head has subjected my body to that is making me want to throw up so badly. My body is making volatile jerking movements, trying to throw up. My stomach is heaving. My chest has tightened, making me mutter like a chant every minute to ‘breathe breathe breathe’. Minutes before I was patrolling the room, trying to do the same……………breathe………………..
now I’m just suffering. I’m going insane. My mind is dragging up every detail inducing waves of guilt and nausea and fear. I can’t handle this anymore. Please please make it stop. I don’t want to do this anymore, I can’t. I need psychiatric help. Breathe, breathe, breathe………………….
I can’t go to university. I can’t even get on the plane to go to Melbourne. I’m not even going to survive today. All this guilt and fear is crippling, my body can’t handle it anymore, my mind feels as if I’m filled with leprosy. I need help……………..breathe, breathe, breathe……………..
1.22 pm- I’ll be fine. I need rest. Ok, let’s rest……………….the nausea hasn’t pass, but I can handle…………..calm down…………just watch t.v……………….clear everything out of my head…………………………
2.00 pm- Ok, this isn’t so bad. Calm, simple…………..maybe I can just draw something. Easy easy…………………..
3.05 pm- Doorbell rings. Grandma says ‘it’s your friend’. HUH? What friend? Derek? Wth?????? What’s nichan doing here??? Dentist appointment lasted five minutes he say. Oh………ok……………..
6.09pm- Feet huuurrrrrttttsssssss…………. -.-…………..owwww……………………Got a webcam tho, relatively cheap so I’m happy……………………………………..phone call from some anonymous number, wondering if that’s leopard. It’s UNIMELB!! Actually guy from IDP, but nevertheless Unimelb has extended an offer (AAA/AAB)! YES! Woohoo………………..^^
7.50pm- Loading new webcam…………………………………cool, very cool……………….
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 10:15 PM
Happy Tanabata day everyone!
Today the seventh day of the seventh month is when we celebrate the tragic love affair between a goddess and a mortal, as a symbol of eternal love. Which makes it a day for lovers to write wishings to each other and hang those wishings on bamboo trees. It is also a day for friends and family to get together in a cycle of love and care. Technically this makes Tanabata a summer Valentine’s day…………….
The story of this day varies from country to country. The one I know is that a goddess fell in love with a mortal man and descended from Heaven to be with him. However when the Gods found out, they decreed that the lovers should be separated and the Goddess to return to heaven. However, their love was so genuine and strong that the stars took pity on them and allowed the lovers to meet once a year, every seventh day of the seventh month…………..
Lovers especially in Japan and China would don their traditional costumes (^^ yukata in Japan) and go to festivals. Wishes written on colored paper is also a common tradition which are then hung upon bamboo trees.
Well……………………to my friends and family, I wish you lots of love and joy *huggles all*
And to my special someone, you know what my wishes are ^^…………………..
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 12:00 AM
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
Trying
By Sukunami Taka
Trying to look into your eyes,
To see the pain and fear,
That echoed mine,
Only a screen however filled with chaotic hues,
Staring back.
~
Stuck in this listlessness,
There is no meaning to my acts or thoughts,
Just this numbing, trembling to my fingertips,
Thinking I could once again feel the pain,
Instead of merely being lost.
No comprehension filters through,
It’s as if I had tried to find a blank wall,
Knocking myself against,
Attempting to gather the hurt,
To draw it outside instead of this ache within.
Conflagration, the turmoil rests itself in my mind,
Screaming I couldn’t utter the words,
Besides touching the slight warmth,
And wishing to thrust that blade down the blue line,
The picture erupts in teary jerks.
Only myself to hold,
Lonely desperation has decided to let go,
Even for a moment, I couldn’t bring my eyes up,
Looking for something I knew I couldn’t see,
Only a slow beating pulse remains.
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 10:50 PM
Monday, July 04, 2005
My mood has deteriorated..............
Remember suicidal thoughts a while back? Yeah those tend not to disappear.....................instead they collect...................................................
I'm looking at my wrist right now thinking..........wow, what a nice thin blue vein that forks out into my hand just at the wrist and continues down my arm.......................clear, open, easy to follow.
Just as Han Qing Jao in Children of the Mind traces woodgrain lines, I can trace a blade down the thin blue vein.........occasionally it's hard to see, but it's not a problem when after it will be covered with red and warmth......
Obviously this is seeking attention..............I'm clear headed right now..............................just realised that when I tug around the skin at my arm, the vein moves along with it..........and it's beginning to feel numb................................not icy numb, just slightly fuzzy as if I'm scared to move it..............
I'm scared...............
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 3:12 AM
Sunday, July 03, 2005
Considering that I'm having holidays, I'm going off to uni and going to have a great holiday in melbourne with my friends..............I feel like crap.
My days have become sleep, my nights where I stay wide awake and groan through the pain..................and my lights now are blinking on and off for no reason....
*switches off lights so now my left side is in darkness*
I'm worried. Initially it was for myself. Not getting those As will kill me. I have spent twelve years working hard and being good and putting everything into doing well, and to have it all gone now......................I'm never going to get into UCL.
However scared I am in the idea of living alone in London, it can't compare to the fear that I've lost everything. Lost the purpose I was going towards to getting my own life. Now it's going to be gone..............
Now...................... I'm worried about a friend who got into a fight with his parents and is going through some stuff..............
Talking through the chat doesn't really help much especially when you desperately need someone to hold on to. So I don't know what to do...............
How can I make it clear through printed words how much hope he can have, trust and care and having someone to talk to.......that somehow things will get better.....................................................
*sadmiao*
*patters off to wait*
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 11:28 PM
*woffles happily*
Introducing our newest member to our bloggy *claps* K kun!
He's going to be writing here from now on ^^
Right now, am really tired............so ........
*patters off*
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 4:26 AM
