Monday, November 29, 2004
Sometimes it become so hard to see,
There is the constant shifting darkness,
The stars have been blanketed behind the veil,
Strong and impenetrable,
I keep to myself,
Without the hope,
Scared and desireless,
Then the sacred warmth found itself,
Coming to myself,
Then I ask myself,
Could I have lived without you,
I kept to myself,
The darkness was my safety,
It couldn’t give me life,
Where the light has touched,
I saw your face,
Where it came,
I saw your care,
Sometimes it becomes so hard to see,
There is the constant light, bright
Giving me my stars,
There was the you who came,
Saving me in your arms.
by Sukunami Taka
again available at Fictionpress and Poet's Sanctuary
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 10:23 PM
Saturday, November 27, 2004
I'm just too tired to keep trying. Everyday I struggle, everyday I cry. I lie awake trying to sleep, tears and choked cries from my soul. Everyday I try to live, to live until the next day until I can finally just find the will to continue my life, to have a life.
I'm stupid. I'm naive. I always try..............always, always try to struggle, to prove to myself, to prove to others that I can live.........that I actually deserve to.............
I don't.
And I'm tired of trying.
I don't even know why I do........why I keep rising every morning. Why I drag myself to school............why I keep going to a place where anyway I'm going to be alone..............where people smile at me with fake smiles and false sincerity. Where people spend time with me only because it's convenient, only because they have no one else..............of seventeen years of my life trying to fool myself into thinking that one day this would change, this would finally become real.....
It is real........the loneliness, the anger, the emptiness, the sadness, the tears..........................the inability to keep going.....to keep trying........to keep struggling in order to prove to myself that I'm alive......
What am I doing this for.......why should I keep trying........why should I even want to anyway..........
For my family? Who scream at each other......who keep their suffering silent and just give it to each other..........who sees my as an empty shell, only wanting me to live because it is the right thing to do and not because I'm wanted......
For my friends? That is not even here.........friends are only the people who you want them to be........they don't exist........people are essentially selfish.......they spend time with you because they are lonely. They talk to you to hear themselves talk. They want to be kept in the loop, in the illusion that everything is alright and nothing can ever come to the fact that reality has crashed and fallen........that someone would be gone out of their lives forever.......
But that is the truth......
No one would be remembered.......no one would be here forever..........or friends foever.........or even be known forever.............in a year's time, no one would even remember I was here, or remember that I was their friend, or that I was in their class, or that I existed...............
By next week, even if I looked like hell..........no one would have cared, no one would turn and ask................no one would come and even pretend to care anymore.............By next week they would have gone back to their routine and to their 'friends', forgotten the pain, forgotten the sadness.................just go back to whatever they 'care' about at that time..............
No one would care that I try.............or that I struggle to keep living.....................because it is not something relevant........it is not something needed.........or wanted.............
I'm tired of trying....................
So I just won't..............I just won't try...............
I just won't care.........................
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 11:39 PM
Friday, November 26, 2004
Ok......back to where we started............it doesn't matter anymore, I want to die................his words 'Ok I messed up your life. I didn't know how to say no, I didn't know when I would anyway.....'
Remind me that I don't need a blade to die........I can wither away in emptiness...............................
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 10:41 PM
Thursday, November 25, 2004
Right now I'm in the state of denial opening up to more pain.........
I've come to realised that he hadn't ever loved me......that perhaps he only wanted to be with me for one of two choices:-
Scenario 1:-
He just wamted to try it out for the first time and now he is bored so it's bye bye to me.......
Scenario 2:-
He is actually using me to deflect rumors and now is bored so it's bye bye to me..............
Either way.........I was a convenient person to use and discard........
I'm trying not to care about him anymore. It's obvious he doesn't care because he is having a great time at school while I feel like total crap......and a total mess.........and empty..........and alone...............
It's hard not caring for someone whom obviously I'm not over........I have no idea how to fall out of love.......and it's obvious I'm still in love because he appears when I close my eyes, and when I open them...........I daydream alot...................................
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 11:11 PM
Monday, November 22, 2004
………………………
I thought I was ok…………there is a big difference between ‘thinking’ and ‘being’………………………………………….reality check……….
I………….am……………NOT……………ok…………..
It’s not that bad…………the crying has stopped…kindda……….occasionally like today I would have felt like tears coming, and quickly stop…………………………so it’s not as bad………..kind of………………………………
Honestly I need the blubbering to stop………….it’s just not nice to stay sad…..and pathetic……….and hurt…………
That’s the problem isn’t it……….I don’t feel angry………..nothing…….no itty bitty little anger directed at the guy who did this……………………
No…………instead…….. I feel sad………pathetic………..and hurt…………
Anger would help………….anger would get rid of the sadness and unhappiness and patheticness………………and the hurt……………….it’ll atleast suppose to give me some other feeling except that stupid empty hurt………………..
But no……………no anger…………much as I want to kill him and strangle him and pour grinded glass in his drink…………. I’m not angry at him……………. I wasn’t even angry when he came up today and said ‘I don’t mind going to prom with you…..no one else has asked me’………….actually I felt like hugging him……………..
I miss him…………………..and again the tears nearly started because obviously shunned exes do not hug their ex boyfriends who ‘are not in love’ anymore………………………………..
Can’t hate him………………..how the heck can I still be in love with him who don’t even care………………or atleast he care about resolving his guilt……..but that’s his extent of ‘anything to do with’ me category………………
That’s the answer isn’t it…………….I’m in love with him………………..
I can understand that there are other guys, other ‘fish in the sea’ and better people who would ‘appreciate me’ (honestly I think that somewhere there is a how to comfort a sobbing mess of a reject book for dummies)……………sooner or later I could be with some other person……………………………………..but I won’t be in love with anyone else………………………………………
…………………………..
So at the mean time I can direct my non existent anger at some other people………………………………….hate my school………and hate the people in it…………………………………………….bunch of rich little brats………who only care about their ‘dresses’ than their friend………………….or more about their hundred and one love affairs about guys who are probably there for the money…………………..than their friend who did need them to be there…………………………………
Reality check……………… it was a total joke to think that the school famed for snobbish fake people won’t actually have snobbish fake people…………………………………………forgot to add……….also loudly annoying………………………….rich little snobbish fake people……………………..
So technically I don’t care anymore………….. I am past caring………….you are not a friend…………I am not your friend……………………………simple………….
Being alone works for me…………………I don’t like to smile anyway………………
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 10:39 PM
I was born into this world
With this innocence unknown
The air was foul to breathe
You can smell their stank
Their bitterness
Hear their cries in the smog
I walk alone into this world
With this innocence denied
They clawed, harsh and shrill
Trying to tug you into despair
Into drowned heaven
Feel their tears, your tears on your cheek
I stay alone in this world
With this innocence replaced
Now knowledge let me see
The air was mine to breathe
Their claws was mine to keep
There is no more you in this world
I am alone, myself
by Sukunami Taka..........I thought Eternity was Bliss, I found Strength with You, But Broken now I Fall, Eternity is Bleak......
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 10:36 PM
Thursday, November 18, 2004
*groan*……………..
my body feels like aching water……….woke up with a fever………..after wishing for so many days for me to be dead, here I am on my way……….it’s a very slow process……..and it aches……………I can’t move………my vision is blurry, although that could be due to the crying…….my head is near explosion……..and I can’t breathe…………..for some reason my asthma has been acting up again since last week…………..that could be due to something else too……….*sigh*……..*stare forlornly at little handphone size photo of ex boyfriend*…….
I don’t even have a proper picture of us together…….it’s like we never existed together…………..
Atleast the state of denial has given way to………to………..acceptance?........ I don’t know……………. I know he won’t come back anymore……….can’t exactly accept it……………….just angry now…………at the situation…………and the pain isn’t going away………….someone can tell Sasa that………..it’s not disappearing after two weeks……………..
And I can’t move…………everything feels like liquid……..hot liquid………..with twinges of ache everywhere……………….
And this morning grandma comes bursting into the room wearing a very pink Chinese style shirt, asking ‘is it nice, is it nice?’………..two minutes later, she comes in wearing an orange same style shirt…….with the same question………….and two minutes after that, she came in with a pink clingy top with sequins……………..after a few indescribable nods, I went back to sleep…………. I think she has met somebody………….
Atleast someone would be happy…………I’m just going to keep moaning and continue in my misery…………
Yes I’m miserable………….could someone please inform my uncaring insensitive ex………………fine, he’s my ex………*sniffle*………my happily ever after is happily destroyed by him…………..that I’m miserable…………..his ‘I’m hurting you by being with you’ is total crap…………..I’m more miserable now……total and utter misery……………….
*want him back*………..*sniffle*…………………..atleast I stopped crying……..now I just feel empty……..and alone……………..and hurt……….and sad………..and miserable………….
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 8:37 PM
Wednesday, November 17, 2004
……………………………………..
Apparently when you actually see the love of your life who has ‘fallen out of love’ with you, it hurts a lot more………….a LOT more…………..
*sigh*……..I thought I was ok……….wouldn’t anyone who has cried for six days be ok already………no………………….back to school………..saw him………trying to stop the tears………….
*sigh*
Atleast I managed for the two free periods not to go all bubbly………..instead I pretended to do literature poetry………..which I was……..but I wasn’t really interested in it…………………he seemed happy…….talking with his friends……….. I’m so happy for him…………………
Am I ready to cry now?..........yeah……………again………….
Went through socio without the tears……..only because the teacher was very very mad………………….
Lit came………and the tears came…………………sobbing…………
……………………….
I need a hobby………………..maybe I can make crying a hobby………..since every time I see him again, I cry……………………..such a great life I have……….
I hate my life………………………hate being this sobbing mess that thinks that there if nothing left in life anymore and that ‘supposed’ friends only care about dresses…………which they do……………
I’m going to go cry now……………according to a few people, it’s suppose to offer comfort……………………
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 11:34 PM
Monday, November 15, 2004
I feel like crap…….
Actually I feel worse than that but because since everything that I know has been ransacked and stomped upon in front of me, somehow lengthy wordy description is simply not in me anymore……….so……
I feel like crap…
I hate my life…
I hate myself…
I still feel like crap… i.e. I’m a complete hole…….oxymoron or not…….a total and utter whole filled with emptiness and pain and sadness and tears that cannot be stopped and seem to come out of my now red and very ugly eyes everytime I stop thinking ‘I’m ok’…
I’m not ok…I won’t be ok…
An article somewhere said that if someone cries long enough, they can go blind…I’m now waiting for me to go blind so atleast I have something else to cry about…
Already from seven people they tell me not to do anything ‘stupid’……i.e. suicide……..that’s not the first time though is it….you know you can’t slash your wrist sideways like you see in the movies……you have to go vertically down that thin blue vein trailing down your wrist……it has to be the vein, because if it is the artery the blood pressure would be too great and it would be very messy with blood splurting everywhere……..the vein on the other hand has lower pressure…….so the blood would slowly trickle out…….squeezed out between the skin……then congealed after awhile…………so you have to cut deeper and longer so that your blood cant stop flowing…..
I hate myself…there isn’t a blade available in the house…….there used to be….the scissors though is not sharp enough…….knives though are too big…..beggars can’t be choosers anyway…
I hate my life…
I feel like crap…
I feel dead…
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 11:00 PM
Friday, November 12, 2004
...................It doesn't matter anymore......................................
*sniffle*
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 11:48 PM
Thursday, November 11, 2004
Today was suppose to be a special day……………..apparently when only one person thinks so, it doesn’t really work……….it doesn’t matter anyways now………who cares right………..it just another day of the week…….
So I thought it was going to be special………..*waves paper flag dejectedly*…..wheeee…………….
Fluttering little lonely leaf
Sighing in the wind……
It’s carried off to the deep,
Deep waters pooling from the dripping limbs….
Standing alone watching the blue sky
Could you tell me that you can’t hear the waves too
It’s soft caress upon salt strained skin
Could it remind you there’s someone alone too
The memories are slipping away
Each second brings me closer to the everlasting darkness
It doesn’t matter no one else has those memories
I slip away with them, like you know I would
So they drip away……
With each silky warm drop……
I can’t remember myself anymore……
You didn’t want to anyway……
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 7:56 PM
Wednesday, November 10, 2004
I don’t know why I am having so many problems with Jas kun ne………..sometimes I feel that he doesn’t care at all and that he is just being with me cause he has nothing else to do…..he doesn’t really show that he wants me…….and then I get very sad……..and he always say he is too busy or it’s inconvenient for him to do anything like going out in the holidays cause he doesn’t have transportation….. and that he doesn’t want to bother his parents……… I suppose I should understand ne, but I don’t…….sniff……..then I feel even worse for being so mean to him, and even more sad when I see him sad because I am mad at him…………….sniffle………..then he’ll come over and say he’s sorry and we would make up…………..but I don’t want ne……..all the heartache and tears……just want him to be happy with me……..and it hurts if I see him unhappy too………….but I want to be with him………and it’s hard cause we can’t meet beside in school which is hardly what you call private……..and everytime we pass a teacher we had to break away or to stop holding hands…….. I don’t want us to keep having to hide that we are in love……….well……… I’m in love anyway…….*peek shyly at Jas kun*…………. I’m wondering if he feels the same way………………….*hopes Jas kun feels the same way*……………..cause despite what he says, he is important to me and I love him…………..
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 10:57 PM
Had to use up free period to study for socio test.....of course nothing got into my head.......I wanted to spend time with Jas kun...........
And our sixth form tutor refused to let me drop Lit and so now I'm stuck with major Lit homework during the holidays........sniffle.........
And I got into a fight with Jas kun........don't know if it constitutes as a fight because I just got mad and stormed off.......I don't understand why he has so many excuses to not go out.....I feel so unwanted.......so I stormed off and he really didn't come after me!! *sniffle* but after the lesson and I was at the lockers he came over and said he was sorry........and he had that look, and I just melted and fell in love with him again.....so we made up........
And I got A for my socio test!! Yay..........and Jas kun promised to ask his parents so he can go out with me on Friday or Saturday.........*hopes he can go*.......
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 10:52 PM
Tuesday, November 09, 2004
Again!! Boo yah!! Offer of AAB from Essex..........I rock.........hahahahahaha......seems the grades seem to be going up with each offer...they must be gaining confidence with me.........*evil people*......Kingston and Leeds both wanted BBB, Sussex ABB and now Essex AAB.......so UCL and Oxford are lagging behind............*cackle*
And MUN today was sooooo boring........wake up wake up wake up......what did I expect with a bunch of yr 10s? Excitement!! Vigor!! Nooooooo..........dull.............dull.........dull.............
And tomorrow got Socio test........I'm so tired.........study so hard and nothing gets in.......wail.........
And Jus kun really mean you know.......I did little cute love notes for him and slipped them in his lockers and he comes and tell me that he don't have space to store them...........wail.......they are so tiny and cute and romantic and from me and he 'doesn't have space'!!!!!!! I feel so unwanted.........you don't see me just disregarding darling love notes slipped into my locker...........I don't even GET love notes..........*wail*............*sniffle*
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 9:59 PM
Monday, November 08, 2004
10 reasons why I love my Jas kun~ or what I love about him~
1. He has a really sweet smile
2. He lets me sleep on his shoulder
3. He makes a funny dolphin sound
4. The way he looks so blur everytime he walks into the room
5. The disgruntled puffing sound he makes when he doesn’t like something like his hair sticking out in the back
6. His hair sticking out……although it’s doesn’t really….and it’s really cute
7. His gentle way of hugging me when we are sitting together
8. He lets me tickle him even though he doesn’t like to be tickled…and he smiles everytime……..
9. The way he hugs me from behind…..so comforting ne~
10. The quiet way he tells me he loves me
11. Hehe……I told you 10 reasons right? No. 11 is the way he makes me happy just by being with me~
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 10:22 PM
Yay......received an offer from Uni of Sussex today.......yay......even though they have no catered food.........*sigh*.....and shared bathroom........*double sigh*........still it's nice to be wanted somewhere...........heeeee...........still waiting from Oxford and UCL......and Essex.....
but I am wanted by Kingston, Leeds and Sussex!! Hallelujjah.........I'm happy ne......and want Jas kun to come also.......yay..........
but have to decide where to go..........what to do.......*wants Oxford*
*miao*
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 10:17 PM
Sunday, November 07, 2004
Hard cold Silence,
Breathing the choking motions,
Have the tear fallen,
Falling,
Falling,
Fell,
Upon my cheeks,
Clamping till my heart cannot feel,
Choking in the throat,
Have the hurt torn me,
Tear,
Tear,
tears falling to the ground,
My love wasn't strong enough,
Could not have held you,
Hurting you,
Killing you,
Have you realized it,
Now the hurt is killing me,
You couldn't have known,
Couldn't have seen,
How much it took,
I couldn't have cried enough,
Because there are still there,
Tears Falling,
Falling,
Fell upon more tears,
Was I not good enough for you................did I not make you happy.............
Could I have possibly done more................
Than crying unseen tears now...........
Falling,
Falling,
So far away from you now....................
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 12:21 AM
Saturday, November 06, 2004
Little Anna de Varax Reinaud..........yes yes, I'm keeping the 'de Varax' cos she is part of the family no matter what..................hhehee.......atleast the 'Reinaud' part is still there...............*beams*
anyways...............little Anna, my littlest newest niece has come into the world.......actually like last month......but anyways...........the new, and first daughter of cousin Emm, and her husband Florian..............and they are very happy and completely infatuated with Anna.........*happy happy*.....................
and I bet she is the sweetest darlingest cutest thing ever................eheheheheheh.......hopefully we can get photos soon.........
but for now............welcome little Anna!!
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 11:03 PM
*miao*……………..you know……..Clay Aiken’s ‘The Way’ is so romantic ne……………I like I like………….*giggle*…………you think it could be our song? *poke poke Jas kun*……………..*hums*…..la la….la la la……..la………….*dreams* It’ll be so romantic to have that song played at valentine’s day. And we could be together the whole day……yum yum……….does that count as a hint? *peer at Jas kun*………..Jas kun blur blur……but I like………….heeeee……..so it’s ok………….
I’m so tired ne……….work work work all day……and Magdalen wants written work to be sent in…and I have two essays and reading to do this weekend……….and I want to go out with Jas kun……….except can only do that next week when we get a holiday………..*sigh*………………
And busy busy writing dedications……………..heeeee……..I hope Jas kun likes his dedication…………and my nechans ne……………..*goes chibi*……….*miao*…………….
Did I say we were going to be Laos for THIMUN? Yeah………..small, poor, defenseless little Asian country…………..and I’m in the human rights committee……actually I wanted the Legal committee in the General Assembly but others decided it would be better to have the economic and financial committee, the social and cultural committee and the budgeting committee……….sheesh……….like we are going to get more money out of the UN………
I love my Jas kun………..and prom is going to be so magical……..*takes up huge speakerphones* PROM IS GOING TO BE MAGICAL………. So there………..everyone else keep saying it’ll be boring, and that we have a boring table…………..sheesh………people are so………che………..it’ll be great…………………*hug hug Jas kun*…………
*miao*
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 12:10 AM
Thursday, November 04, 2004
Well, it's final......the results are in and Bombing everyone Bush has won.......the president who would see the potential start of another world war has been sworn in the White House for another four years......another FOUR years......of killing, dying and his face...........this proves it people.........americans are stupid....no offense............but they are.......or just those who elected him anyway..................
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 11:04 PM
I'm in love with my Jas kun........it's official..........yay....happiness comes over in rainbows and waves and happy little butterflies.....yay......
and the official date of our first time meeting......is 11th of october........and our first kiss was 28th of october........happy.......*happy mop mop*
and I'm so happy just being with him.....although he goes and tell me that there is this romantic thingy on sale but he is too poor to get me one.....*sigh*....still..........I still love him so I don't care....material things do not matter....*resolve not to be so greedy*
and my Jas kun is the best.......so sweet.........heeeee..........
and he finally wrote!! see below........so kawaiie......so blur.....so random...........isn't he the best??
and he ditch me twice........*is so sad*......yesterday it was raining but we had promised to meet each other after school, but when I got to the area, he wasn't there!! I got wet and he wasn't there and I was so afraid that maybe he was just late or something and I didn't want to just go if he was just late but then he comes rushing back....he really did leave!! and he said he saw me and came back......okie, that was sweet......but he left!! sniff.......but atleast he came back.....so it was ok........but then today morning we were suppose to walk to class together and he left without me again!!!....sniff.......but he apologised......so it was ok again...............hug hug..........honestly he makes me so worried sometimes.......
and I'm scared of ghosts........the Grudge is playing in theatres but Alisia was talking about it in socio class and until now I can't sleep properly........I keep imagining there's a scary woman crawling across my floor and under my bedsheets or appearing behind me somewhere.......I'm scared and I'm not liking it................*want my Jas kun for protection*
I'm in love with my Jas kun~
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 10:48 PM
Tuesday, November 02, 2004
Ah, the wonderful world of writing..... It's a distraction that I should be proud of..... But not when I get distracted myself.....
Consider this: a story with so many names and complicated accents without some sort of definitive guide = bad. Basically what happens is, when one wants to quickly reference something, one ends up reading through the entire thing..... It's either a) What I'm writing is complete nonsense and I am wondering, "What the hell is this?!" or b) What I'm writing is something really good. I hope it's the latter.
It's intriguing though, writing, it becomes strange, a calm feeling overpowering me. It does seem strange, as I am a naturally lazy writer. :)
Oh, the joy of being a writer with no self-discipline. :)
~x42bn6
Mused by Anonymous around 8:49 PM
