Sunday, February 12, 2006
It's 5 a.m Sunday morning 12th Feb 2006.
Today's Tito's bday...^^
Anyway, I'm suffering through lack of sleep, and the immense urge to draw. Which I can't do because it's 5 a.m.
This is an attempt to divert attention....
Anyways.
At around five, a friend on KGS says he refuse to talk to me anymore on the basis he can't trust me because I've 'lied' about who I am, at one time...
He doesn't know which parts are true and which aren't, and refused to listen to any reasons.
This isn't an explanation to him, but to myself, I guess.
The truth?
I'm a 18 going on 19 year old girl, born and raised in Malaysia, of a Chinese mother and a Malay/Indian biological father, in a house living with my chinese grandmother, with my mother and dad who's french by the way, and they both live in France during the whole course of my life.
I've gone to a mandarin chinese based kindergarten, and then british schooling since the age of six. I think in English, with the tendency to lapse into Japanese due to my fascination and love for the Japanese culture, and with the ability to switch to cantonese, malay or french when will dictates it.
I've never been a happy child, then more an angry and unhappy teenager. I don't feel I'm an adult yet.
There's usually a smile on my face, not because I want to, but society according to my mother says that if I want friends, I should smile, and anyway, again according to my mother, I look like a dark dog when I don't smile.
If we follow the perspective of my parents, I'm not all too good looking, in fact I'm ugly with a face tending to splurge into zits, with lank moppish looking hair, and is way too thin looking like a skeleton. I walk like a duck, have an indian accent, and no personality.
To their friends, I'm arrogant and snobbish.
Atleast they think I'm clever, not brilliant clever but atleast clever enough to win awards at school, but I have to work always because there's always someone better than me and why can't I be more like them.
I'm not really clever....rather...I'm blur and makes alot of mistakes and is too afraid to speak in class when I need something to be clarified. I hate to work, but I do so because I'm afraid of failure more. I'm also terribly shy to the point I'm paranoid that everyone hates me, perhaps justified because not many people feel comfortable talking to me I think.....they tend to become quiet when I enter or ignore me utterly.
I'm also constantly afraid the friends I do have, are just friends with me because I'm desperate. After all in their words, I'm clingy and depressing.
I have a tendency to cry in bed even after I promise myself I won't. Because I'm too weak.
I think I'm better than everyone else because it's the only way I'll survive without being reduced to a snivelling core of nothing. I don't really like myself.
There are other stuff I guess. I dance, but with how I look, I will look gawky, wouldn't you think. I draw, quite nicely but not good enough. I like to write too, but my stuff is depressing and really, I'm out of inspiration.
I am a good listener....I don't like seeing another person hurt or in pain or sad, I feel exactly like how they feel no difference if they are right beside me, through the phone or through a screen. I would see the news or a documentary of a woman being raped, or children dying and I would get tears or be angry, and it'll be years and months and weeks, and I'll still remember.
I want to be able to love.
I want to be able to be loved by someone.
I like to cuddle and huggle and really just be with people. I'm scared of being left alone.
I also tell most people on the net that I'm male and from asia, which is true enough but if pressed, I'll say Japan.
My name on the net is usually Sukunami Taka. I use it for everything, from my writings to my drawings, to KGS, to Friendster, to emails to Gaiaonline.
These days I go by Joslem on KGS.
To the point. I am Taka. I am Jos.
It's not my real name. And yeah, I'm a girl.
And yes from Malaysia as I said.
I'm not sure how this was started but it's always been. Taka. I can't say he's my alter ego because there's not really much difference between us beside the fact that he's a guy, usually with short black hair and blue eyes. My eyes are brown by the way, and my hair is long.
But he is who I want to be....eventhough he's insecure, and slightly blur, always given a tendency to miao. He's nice. I try to be nice. He listens well, he draws and he writes, he challenges people on their views and gives his own.
He likes to read.
I like to read, alot.
I'm still Taka though, or Jos...whose name came from a character I wrote up for one of my stories:- the son of Death.
For some time I hated being a girl, hated being thought I'm weaker and not worth anything in the family because I'm not a boy. I have a gawky body, I was not comfortable with myself.
I was, with Taka.
Very comfortable. I could be who I wanted to be, and say exactly what's on my mind, it didn't matter that I was a girl from a country which I hated, what mattered was I was comfortable and able to treat people like I wanted to treat them, nicely and with care, tell them exactly what I'm feeling, what I'm thinking.
I thought maybe...I was a transexual. I'm definitely bisexual, but perhaps my subconcious was telling me I should have been born a male.
But past the age of 17 I think I became more comfortable with my body. I was a girl...ok...am a girl....
But it doesnt define me.
I realise as Taka, that I'm perfectly myself without the need to define I'm a girl.
So what if I'm a guy, still the same person, I would say the same thing, think the same thing.
Then I realise....that's why I stuck to being Taka. Essentially that's who I am. I wanted to show gender has no limitations to what a person is.
I don't lie like a child molestor would lie, like a thief would lie, like an impersonator would lie to hurt someone else.
I'm just being myself.
Sam says no one can really say they 'trust' someone on the net because they don't truly know someone. Yeah, that's true in a sense, but even if you were with someone, seeing them face to face, you don't really know who they are either.
Hmm....but if you're one person who I've always talked to, surely you can tell who I am even if I come online with a different name no?
In real life, I'm always defined by how I look or by how other people think I am without actually knowing who I am. They assume I'm fragile because of how I look, they assume I'm Muslim because of how I look, they assume my family background because of how I look, they assume on my personality because of how I look. I'm tired of assumptions. I'm tired of being pushed into this tiny construct.
I think one of my teachers best summed it up when she said "when I first saw you, I didn't know what to think, then after your first essay, I'm thinking, she's a smart girl!"
So really....it's what's in a mind which says someone is an individual, which makes up who YOU are, who I am, who anyone is.
I've never acted differently, nor said something which I am not. In fact I don't really like to lie, so I don't.
I'm Taka. Pleased to meet you.
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 8:07 AM
Saturday, February 11, 2006
Right, so today mother took me shopping.....got bunch of new clothes, great.
And I'm freaking in the car.
I'm leaving.....
Going away. To another country!
I can't. It's impossible, how am I suppose to remain calm during the whole 9 hour plane ride?
It's ludicrous to think I can survive even a month by myself, much less five years.
I'm immature and can't cook and can't clean and totally shy, and so not a good conversationalist and ZERO personality, I'M GOING TO DIE.
There. Right there. In the youth of life, I'm going to curl up in my tiny little room and die.
*sobs*
I'm scared, and just jeez I wish this was taking place like 20 years from now when I can be better prepared and now I'm just totally freaking out because I don't know how to handle anything and I'll definitely be going and crashing and no one will like me and *curls up and dies*
I miss everyone.....
*meeples quietly*
Need a cuddle TT
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 1:55 AM
For those who know me or regularly read any of my stuff, you'll know I'm definitely anti-war. Anti anything related to war whether all the way from thick minded politicians or soldiers being a/ stupid, b/ abusive, c/ insane, to terrorists who should be whacked a thousand times over for even remotely considering that blowing up a bunch of people is the path to peace.
I even dreaded being picked for conscription. Even my DAD faked being insane to get out of his own conscription. His mother helped......dad is such a coddled child...
I simply cannot understand why anyone wants to be in the army...short of being in forced conscription. Your life is constantly threatened, you're working grueling hours, and basically your job is to kill people....-.-
Then came the onslaught on soldiers in my life. Friends....people I cared about, who I respected....and yet definitely....a soldier...in an army.
It's scary. It's like...wow.....there are those who chose to go in, those who didn't but enjoying it, and those who hated it but still it's a apart of their life, and since I didn't hate them....I can't very well say I hate what they are a part of.
Well....perhaps I can, but they respect what they do and they are proud of it for whatever reasons. And simply that, that requires recognition.
They are young and promising, with a wicked sense of humour and personality, direct and honest, great to talk to, with this oh..sweet gentle side and I can't imagine logging into KGS without talking to everyone of them atleast once.
And as I sat in the car today I was thinking.....there'll come a time when one of them won't be on KGS anymore, because they'll be gone....hurt somewhere, even dead....and I wouldn't know....
that really scares me....
There's V chan- who was there from the beginning. We used to with the whole Sabaki gang talk on Skype...well, they would talk and play music while I listen xD
We used to have private convos too, when he'll play anime songs. Recently he's back on the net and omg, so much fun talking to him again. He's been conscripted into the Israeli army. Now he knows how to work a rifle gun or whatever it is, big huge chunky thingy.....he's travelling from home in the weekends and the camp for the week, and grown nicely. Also training to be a paramedic in the army.
Mukoji MukMuk- who's in the American army, currently based in Germany and has served in 'peacekeeping' in the Iraq war. And the fact he allows me to call him Mukmuk already settled several major points for him ^^. He can be abrasive occasionally and is darn proud of it *mumbles* but also sweet and sensitive and loving and bloody skipped 10 ranks by purposely playing dan players o.0
He also verily defended his position in the army....I'm not really sure if he believed in why they were doing it but he's proud of his commitment.
GoNinja ninjaninja- I think he was the first onto which I latched a double name....hence the beginnings of Ninjaninja, Samsamsam, Mukmuk....and the one who really just pushing me to get back into Go. Ninja is amazing. So persistent and occasionally for one moment giving you this glimpse of a young guy who's all excited about go and wanting to really improve, and the next moment, he's a real man, like actually, who's giving advices and reassuring me about uni....altho, everyone reassures me about uni, but just him, you know? I feel I can talk to and get a shoulder to lean on and it's great. And he's in the Canadian naval reserve.
There's someone else but I think he said it in confidence so I won't mention a name but he trained as a sniper during his conscription. I can't imagine anyone more gentle than him....and he's a bonafide trained sniper. He doesn't like it, but it's like .....a part of him and it's so wonderful to see the person he is. People are people....no matter their past and it just makes him so beautifully interesting.
Also starkly the fact that being a soldier isn't all of who they are.
They are also great go players *winks*
And the bestest friends you can find ever.
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 12:41 AM
Friday, February 10, 2006
Well, next week I'm off to Melbourne...
Flight's been comfirmed to leave at 9.30 pm so I'll be arriving early on Wednesday....around 5-6 ish am.
I can imagine...
Derek: awoo? What is 6 am?
XD
Anyways. Steph is set to return same day, but hers is early morning flight. Luckyy...
Derek is here getting wild over his new keyboard. He is setting up an imaginary band..
Derek on keyboard, I apparently on air guitar, his friend on drums, Stephie or Eepin on vocals?
We need an air bass.....
We have also realised for some odd reason that there are an abundance of young, cute and hot guys on KGS.
Problem 1: They are kindda on the net.....
Problem 2: They are kindda halfway across the world...-.-
Problem 3: Fake photos!
^^ but I think, next time one of my girlfriends say there aren't any cute and nice guys anymore, I'll just tell them to pick up go and point to KGS.
Ah yes. And before anyone flames me for just looking at looks, they are nice too, good personality, interesting talks, and smart. There are also a few romantics out there.
Which brings to second observation.....people on the net exists in real life too.
So technically.....you ARE making friends with real life solid human beings. Equally, you can be falling in love with real life solid human beings.
It just rests on how much they are being truthful to you.
Third observation:- Linkin Park rocks. Not really an observation...I just wanted to say it.
Anyone watches American Idol? Cool show, and some decent singers in there. I just don't get why some are such sore losers...for one thing they CANNOT sing, that's why they were removed.....tsktsk, bad attitude= very ugly.
The young 16 yr old Latina-ish girl is a sure in I think.
Fourth observation:- Me and Sam don't like ugly moves. We would rather play a beautiful move than a correct much needed one. Of course, he's a strong British 1 dan given my paltry KGS 13k? but still =)
Ninja on the hand and Springy are of the more correct, but ugly move preferred players.
Ironic...that Samsamsam has become my sensei and Springy is Ninja's.
Poke Springy....you did promise to teach after your exams. He's having his exams, and doing relatively well though mucho worried. *huggles Springy*
I forgot the others now....
Suppose to go shopping tomorrow with mother....*makes face*
Hairdresser on monday. Need to pack too.
Forgot to go to school. BLAH.
Hmm....well.
Saturday I'll probably draw Dita and the auction stuff.....
I dunno how I'm going to pack ><. OMG, there's a ton of stuff in my room alone and the damn harddrive weighs a ton and have to be hand carried because it's FRAGILE.
Pfft.
Need to recharge camera....
Woot, there's a NEC go tourney in Melbourne in April!
With Japanese go pros.
SO GOING!!!
Uni rocks....with go tourneys and Manifest *winks*
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 2:30 AM
Thursday, February 09, 2006
Update:- this is the banner I'm going to use for the new auction.
And Rayner requested a birthday present. His directions was: Winter clothes, she must look sweet and kwai and pretty!
-.-
Well:-
I also did a Yaoi pic of Mukoji with random pic, based on Angel Feathers. Came out lineart, nice, but not going to put it here, until I get better at it.
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 2:47 AM
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
Did some presents for the collab art auction. I'll pick out my favourites here. Also did one on Fishy- cute guy ^^. I'll do a yaoi one of Mukoji and random guy tomorrow.
Today got my hard disk drive, nice people at the CZone shop. *nods* even formatted for me.
The first which I did. I then took the idea of the flower covering part of the face and incoporated the other objects for the other drawings. Alas the darn scanner crapped on my coloring ><
There's actually dark strokes and a blush on the cheeks, so on paper, they all look really cute. Here, they become washy wishy...sigh
These three have hearts, the remaining two had a dragon and a kitty. But I liked these better. Especially the eyes.
And tadaa, Fishy. He's real sweet really, with tendencies to get crabby mood. I really enjoyed talking to him last night.....last night ish. Actually this morning. And it was him who told me to stay awake anyways cos I had to wake up for today's errands. So early night for me tonight, cos I'm wiped. Had a nap in the evening on the couch. Ummm....snuggles.
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 12:59 AM
A publication of Martin Khor's take on global trends appeared today in the newspaper. No doubt given the freedom of speech in major western papers, it'll have appeared westside too....perhaps.
I would seriously recommend a read, he focuses on the latest sensational news of muslim protests against the publication of cartoons of the Prophet Muhammad, and link them to the issues of double standards set by western governments and tender race relations. Articles like this are an inspiration.
Really eventhough I've never studied Islam and even remotely remember anything from religious studies- forced religious studies by the way, I'd still be the the first to not be very happy with Islamic teachings. Contrary to how many say Muslims say Islam is about peace and gender equality, the practice itself it not very. I know, that practice of a religion comes from man, and thus derived from their own sense of racism/sexism/prejudices rather than what the religion actually teaches, still it is the practice which most affects others. Cause and effect relationship.
From the allowance of men to marry four times, and really the 'allowance' of the first wife is often bypassed, to the law's favoritism of men, and even when they realised this inequality and tried to fix it, the law is still unfair to first wives...did I just say first wives....in terms of protection. Now then, religious leaders are allowed to issue a Fatwah- death sentence?, and there are many muslim communities which practices female genitalia mutilation, altho really that is also attributed to Christianity and Judaism too......well way to go male oriented religion.
Doesn't help that the current Al Qaeda terrorist group is preaching muslim direction for their activities, atleast we have to applaud religious leaders stepping in and cutting off all ties.
But really, it is hypocritical to say freedom of speech when there are censoring in western newspapers. Not as much as there are in asian countries certainly, but there are decisions about which news gets in or not. As Khor mentioned, topics of prisoners at Guantanamo and abuse at Iraqi prisoner bases has been covered up and pulled out. This is apparently to calm down public perception and international relations with America and Britain.
However, now they publish very derogatory caricatures of the spiritual leader of Muslims the world over. They did it not once, but twice and three times even after major protests. It is apparently explicit immoral to publish any form of 'pictures' of the prophet, and perhaps it could be forgiven on basis of ignorance. But the caricatures also show the Prophet with a turban and encouraging terrorism and relations with women. *Ahem* *cough*
What will they say if cartoons of the Jewish god Yahweh is published encouraging Nazism? If Jesus was portrayed as a forefront for terrorists?
Not so funny anymore I would think. It bypasses ignorance to direct provokation to even allow the publication of a religion's spriritual leader chucking bombs at people. Unless they were somehow condemning the cartoons, I really don't see what could have motivated them to show those caricatures to the world.
Seriously.....
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 12:32 AM
Monday, February 06, 2006
Ok...this borders on overboard. BUT I WANT TO WIN THAT CONTEST.
Plus.....I'm getting better ^^
Yesterday I was thinking this really intelligent thing to say. It was half a rant and half omg I can't believe I have gone stupid over the holidays, all of which resulted from this one conversation with Ninja.
He was doing this really rare 15 lines long sentences through msn, and with full attention too, like automatic responses, until every other time when he respond with one word after half an hour...anyway
So he was umm.....talking about social structure and social interaction. Simply put, th e argument that if you're not so shy, it'll make your social life a heck lot better. Then he went onto observations that whatever social group you're in, you're not really that different, that each group would still have people who are shy and those who are not, the only difference being one group is popular and the other isn't. Then he said people tend to get a sense of moral superiority over the other group, like someone unpopular would think he/she is better than a popular kid, often as a tool to make themselves feel better. Also given the popular one think they are better than the unpopular ones....hmmmm
Then he asked for a response and the only thing I could remember was I thought popularity was in the mind. Of course it is, there's no definate on what's cool or not, but also focuses on what the general public think is popular. But I'm thinking that's not really it either. I mean the popular kids may think they are cool, but this is also perpeuated by the fact that unpopular kids think they're cool. So it's a cycle of one making the other believe. It's like if a popular kid suddenly invites you in, doesn't make you cool, just makes others think you're cool.
That's just silly.
Really you should just like the things you like, be friends with the people you like and live. Rather this incessant game of I think you are, I think you're not, etc.
It just takes a different group of people to find the things you like as cool, so be fluid and find other friends. Like I think Go is cool, but it's the type of game many people would find geeky. But go players would find it cool right?
But that wasn't what I was thinking of yesterday. Yesterday was.....uh, something to do with politics, but of course now I've forgotten....
WAIT.....right right. Something about the UN just waiting idly by even when they know and is being faced with the American government refusing UN official contact with prisoners held at Guantanamo. Pffff...useless.
Ok so that was what I was thinking with my moment of holiday brilliance.
I'm back to lazing and being stupid.
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 4:07 AM
Saturday, February 04, 2006
My eye is all swollen. I'm feeling lazy and not getting ready for university.
I'm going on a drawing fever.
The midnite-star contest- ended yesterday ish. Didn't win anything even when worse drawings gained honourable mentions. Strange.
Found the Nitsy contest. Did five art pieces. They are also holding a collab art auction which I joined. The theme is masks =).
Love this one. New style for me.
Chibi-ish...cute no?
Love the stockings. My shading has improved alot.
Another twist in style. Fuller body, draws the attention.
A CG mixed non cg coloring. If you look closely, the designs on the arm and body is printed with a butterfly brush from photoshop.
^^
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 2:28 AM
