Sunday, February 12, 2006
It's 5 a.m Sunday morning 12th Feb 2006.
Today's Tito's bday...^^
Anyway, I'm suffering through lack of sleep, and the immense urge to draw. Which I can't do because it's 5 a.m.
This is an attempt to divert attention....
Anyways.
At around five, a friend on KGS says he refuse to talk to me anymore on the basis he can't trust me because I've 'lied' about who I am, at one time...
He doesn't know which parts are true and which aren't, and refused to listen to any reasons.
This isn't an explanation to him, but to myself, I guess.
The truth?
I'm a 18 going on 19 year old girl, born and raised in Malaysia, of a Chinese mother and a Malay/Indian biological father, in a house living with my chinese grandmother, with my mother and dad who's french by the way, and they both live in France during the whole course of my life.
I've gone to a mandarin chinese based kindergarten, and then british schooling since the age of six. I think in English, with the tendency to lapse into Japanese due to my fascination and love for the Japanese culture, and with the ability to switch to cantonese, malay or french when will dictates it.
I've never been a happy child, then more an angry and unhappy teenager. I don't feel I'm an adult yet.
There's usually a smile on my face, not because I want to, but society according to my mother says that if I want friends, I should smile, and anyway, again according to my mother, I look like a dark dog when I don't smile.
If we follow the perspective of my parents, I'm not all too good looking, in fact I'm ugly with a face tending to splurge into zits, with lank moppish looking hair, and is way too thin looking like a skeleton. I walk like a duck, have an indian accent, and no personality.
To their friends, I'm arrogant and snobbish.
Atleast they think I'm clever, not brilliant clever but atleast clever enough to win awards at school, but I have to work always because there's always someone better than me and why can't I be more like them.
I'm not really clever....rather...I'm blur and makes alot of mistakes and is too afraid to speak in class when I need something to be clarified. I hate to work, but I do so because I'm afraid of failure more. I'm also terribly shy to the point I'm paranoid that everyone hates me, perhaps justified because not many people feel comfortable talking to me I think.....they tend to become quiet when I enter or ignore me utterly.
I'm also constantly afraid the friends I do have, are just friends with me because I'm desperate. After all in their words, I'm clingy and depressing.
I have a tendency to cry in bed even after I promise myself I won't. Because I'm too weak.
I think I'm better than everyone else because it's the only way I'll survive without being reduced to a snivelling core of nothing. I don't really like myself.
There are other stuff I guess. I dance, but with how I look, I will look gawky, wouldn't you think. I draw, quite nicely but not good enough. I like to write too, but my stuff is depressing and really, I'm out of inspiration.
I am a good listener....I don't like seeing another person hurt or in pain or sad, I feel exactly like how they feel no difference if they are right beside me, through the phone or through a screen. I would see the news or a documentary of a woman being raped, or children dying and I would get tears or be angry, and it'll be years and months and weeks, and I'll still remember.
I want to be able to love.
I want to be able to be loved by someone.
I like to cuddle and huggle and really just be with people. I'm scared of being left alone.
I also tell most people on the net that I'm male and from asia, which is true enough but if pressed, I'll say Japan.
My name on the net is usually Sukunami Taka. I use it for everything, from my writings to my drawings, to KGS, to Friendster, to emails to Gaiaonline.
These days I go by Joslem on KGS.
To the point. I am Taka. I am Jos.
It's not my real name. And yeah, I'm a girl.
And yes from Malaysia as I said.
I'm not sure how this was started but it's always been. Taka. I can't say he's my alter ego because there's not really much difference between us beside the fact that he's a guy, usually with short black hair and blue eyes. My eyes are brown by the way, and my hair is long.
But he is who I want to be....eventhough he's insecure, and slightly blur, always given a tendency to miao. He's nice. I try to be nice. He listens well, he draws and he writes, he challenges people on their views and gives his own.
He likes to read.
I like to read, alot.
I'm still Taka though, or Jos...whose name came from a character I wrote up for one of my stories:- the son of Death.
For some time I hated being a girl, hated being thought I'm weaker and not worth anything in the family because I'm not a boy. I have a gawky body, I was not comfortable with myself.
I was, with Taka.
Very comfortable. I could be who I wanted to be, and say exactly what's on my mind, it didn't matter that I was a girl from a country which I hated, what mattered was I was comfortable and able to treat people like I wanted to treat them, nicely and with care, tell them exactly what I'm feeling, what I'm thinking.
I thought maybe...I was a transexual. I'm definitely bisexual, but perhaps my subconcious was telling me I should have been born a male.
But past the age of 17 I think I became more comfortable with my body. I was a girl...ok...am a girl....
But it doesnt define me.
I realise as Taka, that I'm perfectly myself without the need to define I'm a girl.
So what if I'm a guy, still the same person, I would say the same thing, think the same thing.
Then I realise....that's why I stuck to being Taka. Essentially that's who I am. I wanted to show gender has no limitations to what a person is.
I don't lie like a child molestor would lie, like a thief would lie, like an impersonator would lie to hurt someone else.
I'm just being myself.
Sam says no one can really say they 'trust' someone on the net because they don't truly know someone. Yeah, that's true in a sense, but even if you were with someone, seeing them face to face, you don't really know who they are either.
Hmm....but if you're one person who I've always talked to, surely you can tell who I am even if I come online with a different name no?
In real life, I'm always defined by how I look or by how other people think I am without actually knowing who I am. They assume I'm fragile because of how I look, they assume I'm Muslim because of how I look, they assume my family background because of how I look, they assume on my personality because of how I look. I'm tired of assumptions. I'm tired of being pushed into this tiny construct.
I think one of my teachers best summed it up when she said "when I first saw you, I didn't know what to think, then after your first essay, I'm thinking, she's a smart girl!"
So really....it's what's in a mind which says someone is an individual, which makes up who YOU are, who I am, who anyone is.
I've never acted differently, nor said something which I am not. In fact I don't really like to lie, so I don't.
I'm Taka. Pleased to meet you.
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 8:07 AM
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