Tuesday, August 30, 2005
I've realized Legally Blonde 2 is a load of rubbish. It's completely inconceivable that a blonde sorority girl can present herself in front of congress and start speaking about a hair dressing experience she had and they actually listened. Then she launches into a patriotic…….yes, I do call that patriotic when she starts saying ‘the American people’ …….speech to stand up and speak up. Nice speech…..never gonna happen.
Nowadays…..or actually I think it has always been this way that it is who you know and not what you know that gets you what you want. When has a heartrending speech ever reach anyone? Change their minds, show them the wrong that has occurred? Pictures of the abuse at Abu Graib and the pleas of the people could not even affect the presidential elections in America, because evidently people were more concerned about gay marriages to care that halfway across the world, their own sons and daughters were torturing people.
It’s sickening. As I sit here eating my coco puffs at 8 am, I’m thinking there are thousands of children who has no food. In Africa, in Asia, children are starving, without homes, with big bellies empty and filled with acids. As I type in every word, and use up my internet credit, there are children trapped within the invisible grasps of poverty, who can’t even afford one dollar to pay for rice and instead spend their days gathering rubbish for pennies. There must be even deprived individuals on the street adjacent to us, or next door a woman being abused, or upstairs a child crying, or someone has died, or is dying or in pain, poor, dead, deprived, suffering around us, in so many countries and we don’t know. We don’t hear, we don’t see, we don’t know, do we care? Do we give them a single thought as we laugh with our friends, as we go shopping, as we watch a movie or learn to drive, chat on the net, as we sit in our cars and give passing glances to the world outside………………if we do not see, do we care?
And if we do see………………………………do we care?
When have I become so cynical……………………………………………….when did I lose that innocence, that trust in better things, the belief that there is fairness and beauty around. When I would use to look up and wonder at the stars………………………or see my first snowflake and thought I wanted to see more……………………………when I used to dream of flying and soaring through the clouds……………….watch a bird hop around on a branch…………………………………………….when did I lose my interest, and no longer see what is so fascinating about the blue sky………………………………………………………………………………..
While there is a child laughing, there are those lying with sores and burns in hospital beds, crying for their mothers. There are non profit workers administering polio prevention drugs to babies, and governments creating biological warfare in spick and span labs. Friends holding hands and men shaking hands while in their hearts they think of bloodshed.
I grew up, taught to be critical and cynical, never believing and trusting the first thing I know, but to question and analyze, find the truth for myself.
I grew up……….and saw besides the brutality in the world, the simple joys of laughing with a friend, and still it is not enough.
I grew up………………………….and wondered why we would hurt ourselves like this.
I grew up………………………………..silent.
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 4:01 AM
Friday, August 26, 2005
Internal clock has been wrecking havoc on me. Sleep at 5 am, wake up at 5 pm, I'm getting one meal a day, sleepy, tired, headache, gastric pains..........going to collapse soon. Also lost weight. I'm now 40kg, that isn't good. I only lose weight when I'm sick......and I'm sick.
Sorethroat has been coming on, and I can feel a fever nearby.
Had the worst....ok, it wasn't as bad compared to other dreams I could be getting, but such a nightmare. Woke up feverish and my heart hammering.
I don't even know what brought it on.
It starts at my old school, but it's bigger and the car park is right on the playground and I'm with this girl and we got into a teacher's small green mini, and backed into the play ground and we swerved. Then we watch a boy get into a limo. Somehow there are these flashes of fear and pictures of people in pain and being tortured in my head, and the day begins again, and we watch the boy get into the car again, and I remembered thinking 'oh no no no, don't go in'. Then me and this girl came to a place and we were dressed in black and we had some sort of mission. The next thing I know we were holding captive a fat guy in a wheelchair who is the head boss who does all the evil, the source of all the fear I feel, and we enter this cavern and something was waiting, a half beast half man. We started fighting and it was getting harder and harder until we killed him, but we hear this voice telling us we won't get away, we won't survive. We know it's the head's assistant, and we hide near the pillar waiting for their evil team to arrive, and when they do, they are running around in a circle looking for us, and we hide among them, running with them, then we detonate a bomb and we and quickly try to rush out. The girl says 'now they'll know, now they'll know how my sister felt when the bomb exploded in her hand, and her hand melted as she was sitting there drawing', and there was a bright flash. Then we were telling the police how to get to the evil place, except I forgot how we got there and we were looking at where the airport was, then we located it at a small jutting pier. Just......throughout it all, I felt so much fear, the images of the man's victims keep flashing in my head and I could feel their fear, feel how the boy felt as they surrounded him and the torture.....
*shudder*
I need a huggle and a cookie.............
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 2:32 AM
Finished three drawings today. This is part of the kimono series from the Sabaki Files.
Love the poem running through....
If you turn it 90 degrees counter clock wise, perspective of the drawing changes, so cool ^^
Been getting some dreams of being a shodan pro.....playing shusaku games......this picture came out great. Very elegant and feminine. Looks like Sai from Hikaru no Go, yes?
Enjoy~
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 2:06 AM
Saturday, August 20, 2005
And no, he isn't becoming a priest.......opposite I would think ^^
Kuudee, currently 12kyu although I think he's a heck lot stronger after this game where he practically massacred another 12k, player on Kgs and a member of Sabaki has become a father! His baby boy, named Jose was born earlier today and from the happy smilies from him, I deduce he and his girlfriend is very happy ^^. I can't believe it, that he never said anything!!!! He never even mentioned he had a girlfriend, and that she was pregnant............9 months...woah.........that's like since the whole year.....that's like the whole time we knew him!!! AND HE NEVER SAID ANYTHING!!!
Plus he's 17..........a whole year younger............hmm, with two piercings, one between his eyes, and on in his tongue.........wow, the stuff we find out about people......................hmmmm........he is actually kawaiie....pity about the piercings....but kawaiie.......
Plus he has this great attitude towards marriage...........that people who love each other should just be together................no need for marriages.........
And baby Jose so, oh co cute ^^
And there is just something powerful about a pregnant woman....well.....girl....still..............powerful..........
Best wishes to Kuudeekun and his new journey and hope he wont have too many late nights being awaken by baby cries............but oh, so cute, all wrapped up with little gloves.................
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 5:38 AM
Woohooooo...........I'm back ^^
Managed to do some new and may I say, great, drawings of Runes and Kokoro No Uruhu.................they look better than anything I did before........especially Yukito kun ^^
Enjoy~
Yukito from Kokoro No Uruhu
Kana from Runes
And introducing something from the Sabaki Files- Kana chan, no relations to Kana from Runes
^^
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 4:46 AM
Lying awake at 7 am, having no sleep the whole night, and just watching the light slowly brighten the curtains till they shone blue green............
And in half an hour, it was like everything became clear. As if I have found my path again even though the path I now choose has derailed and taken a complete turn, but wow................I'm happy.
That's just it. Right after I took my decision, I knew.....I'm happy. With it, with myself, with my future.......it took away all the dread and all the confusion and regret, and I felt completely free.
I've never felt like this. It's like I've finally took a decision for myself and I've grown.
Got all the stuff planned out. I'll go Unimelb for the double degree and it's so great cos then I won't just be stuck with law, and melbourne is such a nicer city, more laid back and got friends there. Its semesters are starting in Feb so it gives me more time to get ready and just do my own stuff like studying go and writing and drawing. More sunny, and way cheaper. Also it's a campus type uni so I'll be able to find things to do, and grow up and be independant before moving to London ^^.
Then I'll reapply to UCL for their Phd or their LLM, and can spend a year doing research on international human rights. So I'll end up where I want to be anyway.
Just the best thing I've realised from this is that I got to know myself a little better. Everything I've worked towards, it's not just to become a lawyer. It was to understand and to have the power to help people. Protect the innocent, prosecute the unlawful. *laughs*
It was to stop people from misusing the law, or not upholding it, just as there are the syariah courts here, having double standards and completely overlooking equal rights for women.
Doesn't matter if I don't go to UCL now. Just because it's one of the best and specialises in human rights law, if I'm just going there and not learn anything because I'm too unhappy, then what is the use? In the end I'll succeed whereever I am, just need to believe in myself and what I want to do.
*breathes*..............I can breathe now...........
Can feel myself changing..........seeing things in a new way............completely great...................
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 3:51 AM
Friday, August 19, 2005
Two days ago, Israeli military began their operations of pulling out of Gaza by removing jewish settlers. As of yesterday they had started foribly removing the die hard settlers. Scenes of soldiers carrying away people have become common in the news, or of jewish people shouting at the soldiers or running away...........
Hmmmmmmm.........
Considering I'm of the opionion that Israel was created at the expense of the Palestinians, it is natural for me to ask why these people are reacting so strongly to pulling out of a tiny piece of land that even after the partition, was given to the Palestinians.
Also considering all this time, Israeli people harbour such a great dislike? Hatred? Distate? Of the Palestinians, I wonder why they want to be on the same land as they are.................
I suppose it's because the Jewish settlers on Gaza has these nice malibu type homes while the Palestinians make do in.......squashed looking high rises or small one bedroom homes........
Finally President Sharon realises that they cannot keep fighting against increasing number of Palestinians and the disapproval of the international community. Hence the Pullout is orchestrated. His people though chants "Jews do not evict Jews" and says he is going soft.
I say that.............atlast a little bit is being done. So now atleast, that land can be properly governed by Palestine, eventhough the violence will continue and the enmity deepen.
Sigh...................
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 2:47 AM
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
June 27th, it is reported that Michael Adams, ranked top seven chess grandmaster in the world lost to the Hydra supercomputer. With a draw in six games and heavy losses in five, the world saw the proclaimation of man is dead- long live the machine.
In the game of igo, weiqi or baduk, there are plenty of computer programmers wishing to create the 'perfect' go player. KGS itself provides a haven for go bots, from 'play at rules level' 30k Idiot and simplebot, to 12 and 13k Gnugo bots which can provide a fair challenge to single digit kyus. So far that's the limit- 12kyu bots which even go players look down upon because these bots merely work according to joseki. A 12k bot cannot match a 12k player in a serious game, and there are always ways to beat those bots such as just playing defensively and passively. The game of go has simple rules, but is deep in the ways the various concepts can be used. Just as a player has to figure out countless moves and responses, so does the bot. Aloriless is convinced that there will come a day when someone will invent a shodan bot, one that could read moves at the level of a dan, and soon computers will take over the world of igo. To me, that day will not come, because it would mean the end of go. There is more to go that just concepts and moves. It involves intuition and passion to see the game. A player who can memorise josekis still cannot possibly hope to know the game without feeling the connection to every move, to have the intuition and awareness to his opponent. HUmans are not perfect, we make mistakes but we also see so much more about other people and about ourselves. Go is about knowing, feeling, seeing.........a bot cannot match intuition because it does not have feelings. It cannot guess at a human move because a human can be unpredictable, thus the possibilities of one move can expand to infinity. It is also the human passion which makes go so captivating. That feeling of strength and satisfaction of a good game, that can never be felt by a computer. So a computer, however strong, will forever be playing moves, not go.
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 11:28 PM
I find it so strange that alot of people would think crying and tears are a sign of weakness. When I was younger, I did think like that for awhile. I hated it when fights between my mother and I would result in me crying in my room. Huge bawling tears that gets interrupted by thoughts of 'I hate you', and feelings that I was worthless, as stupid and as insignificant and as ugly as she said I was. Or when she would fight with grandma. Not much of a surprise that I'm comforted by having the radio on every night, can't sleep without it. But then I would still think, everytime I was in bed, eyes hurting and chest hurting, I would think I was weak for not being able to not cry, atleast in front of her. Then I grew up. It got better. The fights would still come everytime she is back, but it got better that I hold the crying back, that only the anger shows through. I couldn't fulfil the promise to myself. I wanted to be emotionless, not give in so easily. Can't do that though....but as stuff comes and goes, no matter how bad it becomes, it gets better and I can move on. Still haven't given in to suicide, that's strength to me. So I find it better than it is tears that are wasted, and not blood. Tears tell me that I can feel, that I'm alive, that I can make it better even if I have to struggle abit more. It's ok really............tears doesn't make me weak, I'm already strong........and I'm not afraid of crying anymore........
Honestly, crying gives you proof of who your friends are. It is rare and a precious moment when you can find someone who is there, able to accept you and your sadness, able and willing to lend you a shoulder and their heart, hold you tight so you don't have to feel alone. Those are the true friends, who stays..........who comes to you even as you feel broken and shuns them, even as your eyes are red and you have salty tears and gunk coming out of your nose and your body is hunched over, trying to stop shaking...........and they are there not to ask questions, not to wonder why, but just to be there and hold you. There can be many people who are there when you are happy. Those are everywhere. It's easy to share laughter and smiles, easy to share good news and pretence that everything is alright, but there are very few, very rarely that someone would be willing to share what is tearing you up inside. Your insecurities, your fears, your misery and insanities......the little things that make you cry at night, and the big things that causes you to feel as if you are coming apart and so scared that you won't make it through, so scared your tears won't stop. It is a true connection you feel as if you have found your soulmate when you see not the person, but the soul in front of you. It doesn't matter if they aren't there, nearby to touch, as long as you know and can feel their presence, even if they are thousands of miles away. The soul is there. The heart is there. Holding on, feeling your tears as if those very tears were their own. It is the most precious moment.......one that we can rarely find, because true friends don't really exist anymore. Awhile back, I felt for a moment, knowing that pain and that sadness...........a connection to someone. We were becoming close............that's how I felt.........it was becoming easier to finally talk to someone...................but being replaceable can somewhat cut that connection fast.............................pity.........
Can feel those insecurities flooding back........................there is such thing as a sad smile. Affirmation that most things won't get better, atleast I realise that. It's ok to cry..........as long as I know...................
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 12:04 AM
Sunday, August 14, 2005
Wow, lot's of stuff.......been off for a while cos I was sorting out some of the stuff running through my brain, which was wrecking havoc through what I was feeling.....or it could be the wrecked feelings that was creating havoc in my brain.......either way I was feeling miserable and very sensitive and prone to crying........so this will fill in some stuff.
Sydney was alot of walking. Dad plus emotional blackmail plus urge to not disappoint him equals to alot of walking from one side of town all the way up to the bay and the opera house and through the park and to the other side of the harbour.....you get the picture. It also equals to alot of blisters and painful feet......yup.....alot.....pain.....etc.......We got some cool sites though, and great pictures of the opera house in sunset and the wind was great, with plenty of sunshine. We took this radical boat ride in the harbour----The Ozjet Boat where they would spin the boat around, sorta like a bigger version of jetski ^^.......and dad had absolute fun on the motorcycle tour of sydney even though I felt like a complete idiot. Cue Arthemis Fowl in typical teen clothing and me in a big leather jacket and helmet, and you know how I felt....it was a great city, I still felt ridiculous, but it was a great city. We also went up the tower, the second one in Australia....yay..........and went through another simulation ride...........^^
Couldn't sleep on the plane eventhough we got business class seats. Went through quite a few air tremors but that wasn't the reason. Halfway through the flight, I began to get these images and and these emotions and boom, I got my brand new store. The words kept swirling in my head until I had almost perfect paragraphs.....without a pencil though, I was forced to pen out three paragraphs in my poetry book ><...........it was kind of influenced by Constantine and Sin City.........
Oh man, it's so hot back home.....hot, humid....ugh..............
And we have the haze..........huge massive smoky foggy haze that is covering everything and will most likely clog up my lungs and trigger off my asthma again..........so I'm stuck at home....being very hot and humid and......not really happy..............
Dad got me a brand new digital camera ^^............it's an Olympus Mju Mini, very funky steel blue design that fits nicely into my hands. I'm not too happy about it's resolution, but it's cute.....^^
On the 9th, grades came out. Unofficially of course, the professor printed all them out of the website. But went in, stuttered for a while, thinking if there's a possibility of seeing a B right there, I don't know what I'll do. Then the idea of getting 3Bs came, and I totally froze...................Anyway, walked in, saw my name on a piece of paper and thinking, damn I did something wrong, then he showed me the grades, and I remembered wondering about the letters AL, and then.........A, A, A, A.......................cue screaming eeeeeeeeee and doing boogie victory dance. Oh yeah, I rocked. Course I do. Muahaha....*choke*..............I'm going to university. It's my choice now. Wow.....
One week later..........stupid idiotic why must you be so hard to decide I just want to get into university and they both have to be so different from each other and it's so unfair that I have to sit here to choose and my parents can only tell me everytime that it's my choice and I know it's my choice, that's why it is so hard because if I make any choice I know I'm going to regret something and it's so......ughhhhhh.............UCL has the prestige. It accepts only 108 law students every year and I'm one of them. Uni Melbourne has a double degree on offer and I think I'll be more comfortable living there. ARGGGGG, WHY MUST IT BE SO HARD???!!!
In the world of KGS, it is very sad that a couple of high level players Xy (6d) and Wolchengi (9d) has decided to quit KGS because of some of the immature thinking of a few players there...........personally I think strength lies in the person themselves being able to withstand even the rudeness and disrespect of others, but it is still sad, that KGS could foster an environment in which high level players felt it so uncomfortable that they have to leave.......pity..............
Still can't make up my mind about uni..............bah.............
UCL has made quite an effort to deliver packages and letters welcoming me in their offers, while Uni Melb has dont very little. In fact I had to tell the IDP people a second time to send my offer..........
Ciph san in the Gaia Go Guild has opened a thread on a round robin Go game. Frustrating. She opened first move on such a weird place.................heh.........
Kakashisan went on holiday to Florida. Or so he tells me.
Mother promised me a goban for my grades. She willingly promised an Ipod, but then I remembered the goban. Took me ages to describe what go was, and how the goban will look like. Finally sent her a picture and requests for a Kyuga Kaya 4cm Table Board with clamshell Yuki grade stones about 8mm and Keyaki Gosu sets........failure to call her up and sing her a birthday song resulted in her withdrawal of a promise of a goban............I'm not happy..........
That's all I can remember for now...................oh yeah, I've been doing ok in go. Still lost to Day kun and then to Bleyse san but I can cope with 15kyus. Hopefully, I can break through that cloud of bad play I've been having lately.........
Ja ne
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 11:15 PM
Saturday, August 13, 2005
Ohaiyo miinasan. Sigh.............been off for some time cos I was thinking over something. Haven't been totally happy, but it became clear today, so I'm glad. Someone said it to me............no wonder I've been feeling and acting like a sod for some time.........so I've decided not to worry and concentrate on uni *wink* got great excellente fantastico news there, I will write about them later........for now I present to you my latest drawings which are better than ever. Been experimenting with alot of black and white sketches which are private viewing for Kakashisan, and while the softness of the pencil sketches came out great, I think I still prefer my colored and inked artwork. Here are the new ones in Sabaki Files, titled Fantasy and Destiny after one of the Hikaru No Go ending song, and I think goes quite well with how I'm feeling right now, enjoy :-
Fantasy
Destiny
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 11:52 PM
