Tuesday, August 16, 2005
I find it so strange that alot of people would think crying and tears are a sign of weakness. When I was younger, I did think like that for awhile. I hated it when fights between my mother and I would result in me crying in my room. Huge bawling tears that gets interrupted by thoughts of 'I hate you', and feelings that I was worthless, as stupid and as insignificant and as ugly as she said I was. Or when she would fight with grandma. Not much of a surprise that I'm comforted by having the radio on every night, can't sleep without it. But then I would still think, everytime I was in bed, eyes hurting and chest hurting, I would think I was weak for not being able to not cry, atleast in front of her. Then I grew up. It got better. The fights would still come everytime she is back, but it got better that I hold the crying back, that only the anger shows through. I couldn't fulfil the promise to myself. I wanted to be emotionless, not give in so easily. Can't do that though....but as stuff comes and goes, no matter how bad it becomes, it gets better and I can move on. Still haven't given in to suicide, that's strength to me. So I find it better than it is tears that are wasted, and not blood. Tears tell me that I can feel, that I'm alive, that I can make it better even if I have to struggle abit more. It's ok really............tears doesn't make me weak, I'm already strong........and I'm not afraid of crying anymore........
Honestly, crying gives you proof of who your friends are. It is rare and a precious moment when you can find someone who is there, able to accept you and your sadness, able and willing to lend you a shoulder and their heart, hold you tight so you don't have to feel alone. Those are the true friends, who stays..........who comes to you even as you feel broken and shuns them, even as your eyes are red and you have salty tears and gunk coming out of your nose and your body is hunched over, trying to stop shaking...........and they are there not to ask questions, not to wonder why, but just to be there and hold you. There can be many people who are there when you are happy. Those are everywhere. It's easy to share laughter and smiles, easy to share good news and pretence that everything is alright, but there are very few, very rarely that someone would be willing to share what is tearing you up inside. Your insecurities, your fears, your misery and insanities......the little things that make you cry at night, and the big things that causes you to feel as if you are coming apart and so scared that you won't make it through, so scared your tears won't stop. It is a true connection you feel as if you have found your soulmate when you see not the person, but the soul in front of you. It doesn't matter if they aren't there, nearby to touch, as long as you know and can feel their presence, even if they are thousands of miles away. The soul is there. The heart is there. Holding on, feeling your tears as if those very tears were their own. It is the most precious moment.......one that we can rarely find, because true friends don't really exist anymore. Awhile back, I felt for a moment, knowing that pain and that sadness...........a connection to someone. We were becoming close............that's how I felt.........it was becoming easier to finally talk to someone...................but being replaceable can somewhat cut that connection fast.............................pity.........
Can feel those insecurities flooding back........................there is such thing as a sad smile. Affirmation that most things won't get better, atleast I realise that. It's ok to cry..........as long as I know...................
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 12:04 AM
Comments:
Post a Comment