Tuesday, July 26, 2005
Why I woke up this morning, when I could have rolled around in bed and slept on, more like what Derek is doing right now. Funny, why I drag out of bed every morning to log on before 12 pm..................
Wondering again, about something I have never put into words, but a friend triggered this feeling round about last night. What would happen if I was to die right now........................................it's kind of..............scary in a double sense. True I'm scared of death, yet suicide always hangs about just at the corner of my eye. Then there's the fear that one day I'm going to step out and get hit by a car, or some sort of similar accident. I guess...............that there is something else. Wondering if I'm going to be forgotten. Not many friends in real life, the ones here are all moving on, or hard to reach with most of my nichans in Australia, Obasan is going to America or not, baka roo Kei is in Singapore, another nechan in America......that makes it about five people I consider friends.........abit bleak......................and they are all moving away. The other people I know are all online, ones I meet through fanfiction/fictionpress.net , and more recently through KGS. There isn't really someone close.....I thought for awhile there was, but mostly it's me in delusion. Pisceans like me tend to be. Hanging onto an illusion, trusting too easily in something as insubstantial as dreams.
It's about wanting to believe I think. It hurts too much knowing there is nothing there. Even a possibility can be made real, so my mind creates those possibilities. Only when the veil between dreams and reality falls apart as it is apt to do, then the depression sets in, all too easily.
I'm wondering what will happen if I was to be gone tomorrow......would anyone know? Would anyone care?
I am but a name, made of words upon the net. Will anyone remember me after even one-two weeks? What about after months, after years? To be simply gone, they would not even know................perhaps, more likely, they would not even care.
.............................................................*wonders*
I don't know.....................this is abit bleak. I don't know what to do. And to simply be gone...............they say it's the memories of you that makes you alive, if those memories were gone, then where would I be? Printed words on a screen.........................................
Right now it's tearing me up thinking, knowing that in the end, people will just forget.........
Mere printed words on a screen..............
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 3:29 PM
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