Surely it was long enough for me to finally realise..........I'm a total failure.
I have no independence. I'm scared like anything to be independant. I can't cook. I can't drive. All my 12 years of education did nothing. I can't talk to people. Even when I decide to open my mouth, no one can hear me. I draw like crap. I can't write even though I'm in self delusion or self denial about my imagination. I have no friends, the people I go to school with hardly knows me and everytime after graduation they just go away or stay with other people which doesn't include me. I have probably failed my A levels and can't go to uni. I have no idea what I'm doing when playing go.
I'm scared all the time. Don't know who, don't know what I am. Have to always pretend ............to be the good student, to be the good child, to be the good friend, to be invisible, to be more than I am. I'm not funny, nor kind, nor nice, nor clever, nor friendly, nor interesting. I'm bitter and angry and sarcastic and possessive and useless.........
Been playing go and knowing I deserve to be thrown out. Even though I scored a few wins that seem to suggest I am 14k, the next minute I'm massacred by a 16k and a 17k. Complete massacre of over 40 points difference. Two words: I suck.
It is so selfish of me. Sitting here, thinking I, I, Me, Myself...........looking out the window. Seeing the quiet city with barely flickering lights. An ambulance just went past.........................
Tired and alone.
Fabricate volunteered to review my games. K kun busy playing with someone. Don't know if I have the strength to ask him......... Fab kun is nice.........................................
+The Writer+
Taka is a young law/arts student, often bumbling through life and trying to be a person rather than being defined by social conventions.
Shy, geeky, emotional, proud, and quite bisexual, doesn't smoke, drink sometimes, passionate about most things, Taka spends time dreaming, dancing, drawing and watching movies, often anime.
Is in love with the idea of love, gives hugs at the most random times, and is constantly worrying about people eventhough it does not look like it.
Aspires to either become a beautiful hermit by the river or a world dictator.
+The Blog+
Niflheim represents both light and darkness, of the celebration and distaste of life, of musings and incoherent thought. It is an outlet for personified angst and pessimism with chuckfuls of laughter and smiles.
It is Taka's way of drawing out all the little disturbing thoughts giving rise to nightmares, a way to self reflect, a way to seek solace.
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