Thursday, July 26, 2007
Technically it's a good idea. Kitty to keep me company and to focus on. But need money, so need to get alot of art commissions. And then need to prepare for kitty. And then to adopt kitty.
Sigh.
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 2:11 PM
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Technically I'm starving.
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 8:21 PM
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Being perpetually told you have to do well and etc etc so your dad don't leave is very exhausting.
And then having your mother tell you how unhappy she is and what a sacrifice she made is also very exhausting.
And then she is the one who leaves.
I think I resent that.
And then she tells me she has cancer.
Somehow, I just think.........wtf.
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 10:10 AM
Monday, July 23, 2007
Of all the places to really get feminism, it has to be the hospital. Not just any hospital but the one with psychotic people.
They generally are a very nice bunch of people, but I feel weirded out by fully intelligent and capable women wearing short skirts, lots of makeup and with manicured nails.
At a hospital.
And then came the night when I was bawling my eyes out due to the realisation that I was kicked out of college when random patient who just arrived, came into my room, closed the door and then moved on me.
Of all the places to have a guy hit on me.
At the hospital.
I think it was the very first time I was genuinely scared of actually being attacked. Not withstanding the years of physical bullying, still it's a very different perspective to get raped isn't it.
I didn't understand some of the perspectives given out during the Sexual Politics course last semester because I've never really identified my weakness as connected to being a girl, but rather that I'm just weird, different.
Then to have a stranger come and put his hands on you, taking off your shirt, it's bizarre to move from 'I'm sad' to 'I'm scared'.
Then two days later he pulled down his pants infront of me.
Funny thing was my initial reaction was to grab him and yank out his balls until there was blood.
Then composure.
Then walking away laughing.
Boys are so stupid.
To think we live in fear from that kind of scum.
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 10:47 PM
Fire alarm went off......
Found my perfect cat and then cat got adopted...today.
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 10:44 AM
Sunday, July 22, 2007
First they took away all those sharp objects.....
Then they moved me into a house alone with plenty of sharp objects......
Either they are insane or I am insane.
Also.......walking across roads without looking also the car don't hit wan.......so safe......
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 6:00 PM
It's like watching a car crash and going wheeeeeee.
Interesting.
Slightly worrisome.
Who am I?
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 11:13 AM
Thursday, July 19, 2007
So easy to jump onto train tracks.
On a weird note, they got the stations wrong and I totally missed my stop.
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 6:54 PM
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Is it possible to feel insanity?
Lol, the assisted suicide group in switzerland got kicked out of their place of operations because they were in a residential area. That's somewhat funny.
I wonder if Dad is going bankrupt.
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 6:03 PM
Saturday, July 07, 2007
Perpetually grey. How strange that the same sky could be so different. In Melbourne there is the glorious clear blue without a cloud to mask its brightness, here it is grey, stolid, miserably oppressive. People never know how lucky they are.
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 12:48 PM
Friday, July 06, 2007
Dad finally said stepdaughter.
How strange.
On call to the internet people to find his stmp or whatever information he said 'I'm the father of my step daughter'
How strange that at any other time he has always said daughter.
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 1:37 PM
Wednesday, July 04, 2007
The word you're looking for is replaceable. Why don't you rant to some other girl in your life or the many male friends whom you cherish.
Try to read other blogs, mine's not the only one in existence. How carefree. How joyous. How are you moving on with your lives. Glorious no?
I must say my way of reasoning is warped. A few consider it due to a mental illness while the others dismiss it for irrationality and the few who actually listens tells me to focus on my essay. You realise that I'm aware of the futility of my actions. What is the use of essays, commissions, apartments when the end is final? They are irrelevant. Of course.
They fill in the gaps while they serve one other purpose, showing it's getting better. Right.
Actually I can be quite tenacious when I want to be. Since it is quite impossible to die at the moment, it's called bidding your time. Plans must be made of course, trip overseas, contact with the hospital etc.
It's only after you mentioned it I noticed yeah, the new group of people are actually alot nicer. They say welcome back after my return from the hospice, they invite me for walks, they don't forget me when it's time for meals, they pop in occasionally for a chat and then they leave me well enough alone. I noticed I've become so dependent on my tiny little clique that I rarely took notice of anyone else. And here there was four perfectly nice people I would have never have talked to if I have never called you up and you replied, 'I'm going to lunch with the others' and guess who the others are?
If you knew me well enough you've noticed by now that's called yanking my world from under me. Poor poor little lost me. So I went searching for people to have lunch with. Glorious no?
Let's follow your reasoning for abit. You like someone who from the onset dislikes you and vocally said so. So THAT is what I must be doing wrong! I must dislike them for them to like me! OOOOOOOHHHHHHHH!
Ok, so let's just ignore you and see what happens.
Right.
So apparently liking people and being nice to them is completely the wrong way to do things.
Perfect, I can go the other way.
Right.
Let's break it down.
EePin thinks he knows everything because he is older and have experience. I don't really think much of that now do I? He calls me petulant among other less savoury things. By the way after the numerous times that little girl whom I don't like kept mentioning how gross you were and after I kept saying you're a really nice guy, she began to likelike you.
Rayner is wrapped in a world of his own. Btw, Connie likes you. Must be the perverted thing.
Stephanie hates me. Simple.
Derek has from time to time said I'm a terrible friend. And yes, you've said it several times.
It is actually very true. I suck as a friend.
I have no qualms about either disliking someone or liking them. I rarely go up and beyond to make them feel all cozy and nice and most of the time I take them for granted.
So it's really a good thing I'm replaceable.
You now have a cute little physio friend who is never emo and always smiling and bubbly. And the other one.
Well done.
People always have something to live for. I used to have, friends, dad and grandma, myself, my future. That's why I struggled. You always have that little something that tells you, not yet, not now, keep going.
I kept saying it but the word irrelevant should signal an awareness.
Everything has become irrelevant. It doesn't matter.
Anger is a big lifeline. I used to get angry and pissed off especially at people. That anger showed I care enough about them and what they're doing.
I look inwards and think now, it has progressed to a level where everything is calm. Sure the sadness is there, but it's just static.
I can't and I'm not going to hurt myself here at home not became my grandmother is watching my every move and not because I don't wanna leave her but I just don't want her to see. I can make plans though and that is enough for now.
Don't you think it is so much easier to hate someone than to think your friend is going to die? You really don't know me well enough.
My focus is I have to wake up every morning, and damn I'm not dead yet.
Life's funny that way.
Your life is continuing isn't it. Sure, you think you're suffering.
I see everything in images and what does my life look like? Stones breaking up. Slowly, purposely, chunks drifting upwards. It's not I'm going to die, it's I'm already dying.
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 12:25 PM
Monday, July 02, 2007
To stand at the edge of a precipice.
Rise slowly to the tips, breathe in once,
Breathe in twice,
No sounds,
Cold, freedom.
To take a final step,
Take a step forward,
Pause.
Fall.
Smile.
Wind roaring in your ears,
The body feels light, tosses easily,
Falling in a rush.
Then nothing.
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 8:13 PM
Sunday, July 01, 2007
I'm wondering why you'd think taking decisions about me without consulting me is somehow alright. And when I say you're not listening, you insist you are, and you still take decisions without consulting me.
No you don't know how it is, and no you're not helping, and sure you can be worried, but take your decisions as long as they don't involve me.
And no, you kindda suck at parenting.
I've asked you not to tell grandma. And there we go, adults who think they know best. Guess what she is doing now? Every 10 mins, and I do mean 10 mins, she pipes up about coming to Melbourne with me, cooking for me, wanting me to stay in Malaysia, missing me, loving me, asking who loves me, asking who I love, asking where my friends are, telling me to be happy.
You are looking at the problem in a screwy way. You think I'm taking the easy way out and not fighting and struggling and appreciating life.
I appreciate life more than you do.
I've struggled for this long because I do.
And you never appreciated it.
You should be so happy that you've had and having a good life, a loving husband, a doting mother, a less than perfect yet trying daughter. You're capable, bright, believe yourself beautiful.
Yet all I felt from you was anger.
Disappointment.
Sadness.
My earliest memory was when I was around six and standing by the road. I was waiting for my biological father for Hari Raya. I waited in the morning, through lunch time and was finally coaxed in at night by grandma. I laid awake and heard you on the phone, crying and shaking and saying 'how can you do this?'
He picked me up the next day and I sat at the table wondering if the cake his new wife was handing me was filled with poison.
I can accept that you've had a rough start. I imagine the worst possibility of rape and coercion and abuse. And what was the product?
Me, wasn't it?
I wasn't wanted by him, that was clear.
What hurt was you didn't want me either.
And no, you can say you never said that to my face, but you should know a child feel emotion more than words.
You think I never do anything for you. Have you asked me sincerely and listened to why I wanted to be a lawyer?
I wondered how the law could be so cruel as to cause you and I so much grief. I wonder how they could keep us hunted through those years while we pretended to be good muslims and you never came home.
It was all fun and games wasn't it? Grandma took me to the hotels to see you and Dad. Penthouses are great. Dad never came to the house.
You keep telling me about your friend who recently adopted a malay child and how you were giving them advice about how to cope. Somehow I wonder how much our condition have plagued you.
I don't look like any of you. I don't share the name name. You have us walking on the street and no one would think if we are family.
How much do you think I've appreciated a grandmother who dotes on me in her own way, a dad who loves me and a mother who is apparently sacrificing so much by moving to Paris to support me.
I find it funny you think of it as sacrifice.
I think I've held your burden enough. Take responsibility for your own decisions.
Another funny thing is how people react to the words depression and suicidal.
One half of the people go 'Oh I'm sorry to hear that, it must be tough'. The other half go 'I'm suffering too and want to die'.
To the first who also consistently asks 'how are you?', I reply 'yeaaaaah, still bad'.
To the second, 'why aren't you dead?'
And I must insist I have a say in things. It's strange that the first thing isn't to care for me but to wonder what you should do.
I didn't ask for you to do things.
And you're making it worse.
And no, you don't know much.
You can have a PhD and have years of therapy qualifications, but if you really knew what depression is, you would just sit next to me and not say anything. Again I stress the, not making decisions without checking to see if I'm fine with it.
That's prolly part of the problem, in that I don't get much of a choice. So when I put my foot down and say I've made my decision, you say it's not rational.
I am rational, you're just not accepting my rationality.
Switzerland is really progressing well. You should know by now that I'm really good at research and homework. Euthanasia isn't a new idea, it's actually a formulated plan since I was a teenager. Only then not alot of people have heard about it and what few has, has been against it.
How does it feel to be a young person, a teenager, barely past childhood knowing, feeling, thinking they should be dead.
Clearly something is wrong with you.
Anyway, flexible law in Switzerland. Assisted suicide is available for locals and foreigners and doctors are able to perform the operation or prescribe the tablets as long as they have no selfish intent. I was actually quite surprised to see the progress on this topic.
You keep asking how are friends.
Hm. Don't have any?
No, not talking to them.
Why?
My first thought was, they left me while I wanted to die.
No that wasn't it was it.
Flaws are acceptable. In fact I'm terribly flawed, one huge problem and the world died a little when I was born.
I hang out with geeks who rarely do anything besides play games and do random stuff. Tolerance is one heck of a virtue, I keep sprouting it to my sexist, racist hypocritical family.
Ann's a bitch. She's sexist, racist and hypocritical and that's not a flaw, in fact she is very much like my mother. But you see, I can't choose my mother but I can certainly choose my friends.
She has bitched and moaned about Eepin and Rayner and about hanging out with us and the only reason she tolerated my friends was that one time she wanted to be with Alex.
Now I sit back and think, that's a problem. I don't like her, yet I'm massively mean if I say now everyone else can't hang out with her because I don't like her.
Hm problem.
So I took myself out of the equation.
Invite her out, have fun, go ahead.
Then you started on the what's wrong with you speech.
Well love, I'm depressed, highly stressed and cutting myself, thinking about jumping out the window looks really good.
I'm not even angry, and I wasn't angry. Alot of the shouting was directed at myself.
But you made a choice. You asked 'why would you choose someone who didn't like you over a friend?' I don't know but you did.
I find it interesting that while these sayings of care come filtering through various channels, as well as anger and sarcasm, you still manage to think about how you feel.
Are you depressed? Your whole life is ending? You will never feel happiness again? You feel you have salt in your wounds?
I highly recommend a therapist and Prozac.
Sleepless nights? Constant worrying?
You didn't think while I was constantly sad, couldn't sleep, cutting myself, thinking about suicide, that the whole time I was worrying about myself? And when I tell you, you say I worry you.
Well........I've been fighting it for a good part of 10 years. You fell apart after 3-4 weeks.
So while you're falling apart around me, I'm thinking, yeah I'm alot stronger.
Kindda tired.
591/2000 words on porn essay. Crawling at about 100 words per day. Kindda sucks....
And here I am blogging....lol.
Meh.
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 12:59 AM
