Wednesday, July 04, 2007
The word you're looking for is replaceable. Why don't you rant to some other girl in your life or the many male friends whom you cherish.
Try to read other blogs, mine's not the only one in existence. How carefree. How joyous. How are you moving on with your lives. Glorious no?
I must say my way of reasoning is warped. A few consider it due to a mental illness while the others dismiss it for irrationality and the few who actually listens tells me to focus on my essay. You realise that I'm aware of the futility of my actions. What is the use of essays, commissions, apartments when the end is final? They are irrelevant. Of course.
They fill in the gaps while they serve one other purpose, showing it's getting better. Right.
Actually I can be quite tenacious when I want to be. Since it is quite impossible to die at the moment, it's called bidding your time. Plans must be made of course, trip overseas, contact with the hospital etc.
It's only after you mentioned it I noticed yeah, the new group of people are actually alot nicer. They say welcome back after my return from the hospice, they invite me for walks, they don't forget me when it's time for meals, they pop in occasionally for a chat and then they leave me well enough alone. I noticed I've become so dependent on my tiny little clique that I rarely took notice of anyone else. And here there was four perfectly nice people I would have never have talked to if I have never called you up and you replied, 'I'm going to lunch with the others' and guess who the others are?
If you knew me well enough you've noticed by now that's called yanking my world from under me. Poor poor little lost me. So I went searching for people to have lunch with. Glorious no?
Let's follow your reasoning for abit. You like someone who from the onset dislikes you and vocally said so. So THAT is what I must be doing wrong! I must dislike them for them to like me! OOOOOOOHHHHHHHH!
Ok, so let's just ignore you and see what happens.
Right.
So apparently liking people and being nice to them is completely the wrong way to do things.
Perfect, I can go the other way.
Right.
Let's break it down.
EePin thinks he knows everything because he is older and have experience. I don't really think much of that now do I? He calls me petulant among other less savoury things. By the way after the numerous times that little girl whom I don't like kept mentioning how gross you were and after I kept saying you're a really nice guy, she began to likelike you.
Rayner is wrapped in a world of his own. Btw, Connie likes you. Must be the perverted thing.
Stephanie hates me. Simple.
Derek has from time to time said I'm a terrible friend. And yes, you've said it several times.
It is actually very true. I suck as a friend.
I have no qualms about either disliking someone or liking them. I rarely go up and beyond to make them feel all cozy and nice and most of the time I take them for granted.
So it's really a good thing I'm replaceable.
You now have a cute little physio friend who is never emo and always smiling and bubbly. And the other one.
Well done.
People always have something to live for. I used to have, friends, dad and grandma, myself, my future. That's why I struggled. You always have that little something that tells you, not yet, not now, keep going.
I kept saying it but the word irrelevant should signal an awareness.
Everything has become irrelevant. It doesn't matter.
Anger is a big lifeline. I used to get angry and pissed off especially at people. That anger showed I care enough about them and what they're doing.
I look inwards and think now, it has progressed to a level where everything is calm. Sure the sadness is there, but it's just static.
I can't and I'm not going to hurt myself here at home not became my grandmother is watching my every move and not because I don't wanna leave her but I just don't want her to see. I can make plans though and that is enough for now.
Don't you think it is so much easier to hate someone than to think your friend is going to die? You really don't know me well enough.
My focus is I have to wake up every morning, and damn I'm not dead yet.
Life's funny that way.
Your life is continuing isn't it. Sure, you think you're suffering.
I see everything in images and what does my life look like? Stones breaking up. Slowly, purposely, chunks drifting upwards. It's not I'm going to die, it's I'm already dying.
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 12:25 PM
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