Friday, August 31, 2007
Nauseous.
Really....want...to.....go......to....hospital......
But got two essays, maybe after then ><.
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 10:14 PM
They fucked up really bad.
Lol.
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 1:35 AM
Monday, August 27, 2007
I want to go back to the hospital.
Decided knife ain't so bad. It's dramatic. So eh, why not.
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 7:10 PM
All those people who made such a big protest against the widespread availability of suicide aid sites need to do more research. I couldn't find any =.='
Pills too gross.
Knife too painful.
Accident too.......messy.
Drowning in bathroom......abit.....wtf.
So not helping.
Got told off by the dean.
Sigh.
My fault for being afraid to go for class is it. I suppose so.
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 12:02 AM
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
I hope my grandma won't be too sad.
I hope my mom would be happy.
I hope my dad would be happy too.
All my books including textbooks and fiction, those here and in Malaysia (excluding otherwise specified) I give to St Mary's College, Melbourne to donate as they see fit. I hope they'll remember that I've told them once this was what I wanted to do, to make other children happy as those books have made me.
My Mac computer and printer/scanner I give to Derek.
My Wacom tablet I give to Connie.
My cookbooks I give to Katie.
My WoW trading cards I give to Kenneth.
My Tarot cards goes to Yvonne and Suan Ee.
My iPod goes to Thom because atm I can't think of anything of value and can't remember if you'd like anything besides music.......
All other items including and especially my art, sketchbooks, art supplies, all poems and stories copyrighted to me, journals, clothes, toys and my beautiful cat Sammy goes to my immediate family of grandma, mom and dad. Please look after the cat, he really is adorable.
I am of sound age and mind to validly write this will.
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 10:41 AM
Sunday, August 19, 2007
You're the reason why it's getting worse.
You're the reason why it's falling apart.
You're the reason why I've decided to die.
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 11:12 PM
Friday, August 17, 2007
Everything I want to say to you I'd have already said it to myself or written it out, so technically by the time I arrive at your office, I've ran out of things to say.
So here goes, a printed letter.
I'm not like some sad little orphan gone through the tough life in need of pity. Every day I'm confronted by people (yes people) expecting me to get better. How's life been, how are you, everything ok, you seem more like you, hey it's getting better isn't it, they want you to get better too.
You know what, it's not getting better. It's getting worse. Is your life all that great to be telling me how sad it is?
I pretend to be the silly little girl who does alot of mistakes and don't know many things. Yeah, you know, it's called an act.
I'm alot smarter than you are.
I'm also alot more capable.
My future involves 17th floor offices in high rise buildings, with secretaries, chauffeurs, the controversial cases, photographs splashed on the front page news.
Sure I'm not the smartest, but I can do so many more things than you can. Self esteem isn't an issue, the only issue is you thinking I'm stupid.
I didn't get into law because of a fluke. I'm also not failing because I'm incapable but because I'm competing with the best. I know the difference between my subjects and yours. Yours require memorization,mine demands thinking. Do you have a single original thought in your head?
My subjects speaks of the rule, how to get around the rule, how to know the way to get around the rule and still follow the rule, and how to dismiss the rule altogether. Yours say a+ b = c.
You laugh and joke and call me the 24 hr essay queen.
I was struggling.
I was struggling being apart from things I knew, from being away and not coping, from thinking I'm alone. Anyone bothered to ask why?
No, of course I get blamed. I'm the antisocial one. You say you've been through this, you know everything there is to know, you do this and that, you know what, you're utter crap.
Am I seriously that stupid not to do my research?
I know social problems, mental health issues. The moment someone mentioned they're concerned that a friend don't seem to be eating well, I was the first to say we should make sure she doesn't have esteem issues or is going through those stupid dieting plans.
You say I don't care about you? Ever bothered to say what was wrong with you in the first place? You chide me for keeping my problems to myself and then you blame me for being selfish for not realizing your problems?
Right, bullshit.
What's wrong with your argument?
I said it would be fine, let me handle it, it'll pass. You refused to let it go. I'm doing things wrong? It became a simple disgruntlement to full blown hatred. Do you get along well with everyone?
Then you tell me no, not everyone in the group likes each other.
Yeah I get that. I do suss people out. I get it when people don't like me, I also get myself when I don't get along with other people. I just don't say things to you, because guess what, they were your friend first. I tolerate them for your sake. I didn't tell you, I kept it to myself, I still hang out with them, sure.
Then comes along someone who tells me how they dislike MY friends, how MY friends are weird, and you know what, if you hate them so much, don't hang out with them, simple, easy, done.
Why are you still with them?
You suddenly liked them?
If you're going to tell me how much they annoy you, then expect me to sit there and take the bloody thing in while you laugh and smile at them, you know what, you're a hypocrite.
I don't appreciate my friends enough right. So easily dismissive of them. I grew up alone. I didn't have friends. Not like it's just oh I wasn't popular, or I had really few friends....it was I didn't have ANY friends.
I was the weird girl who looked different, sound different, acted different. Dad's a full fledge count, descended from Louis XI King of France. Got laughed at when I told people that, this young girl so proud of her dad. They call me the princess, oh so privileged while they laughed and never included me in anything.
It's because I was always alone that I could really appreciate what it was like to have friends. To be included, to be accepted, to be invited. I thought, it's really nice to be able to talk to someone and to have someone talk to me.
I was never the one to attract anyone, always on the fringe, getting along with one person, being dismissed by others in the group. I hate cliques. In highschool I bounded from a couple here, a few there, sometimes spending days alone when they were off with their groups. I learnt to smile and act silly and pretend that I'm interested in your things because that seem to make you like me more. A joke right.
I was reading at an adult level when I was eleven. Was in every dance performance when I was 14. Had awards every year after I hit 15. Was deemed to be in the top 5 in the country from a world wide English exam at age 16. Worked in my first law firm when I was 16 while my peers were flipping burger patties at McDonalds. At age 18, was doing better than most of the students who have grown up in a much better school than where I came from, and also participated in one of the largest international conferences where I led a resolution backed up by half the commission of 150 people.
I can hold my own in any social standing, invoke the biggest debates on issues such as North Korea's nuclear plans, the bombing of Japan during WW2, the wars between Palestine and Israel.
I can draw, I can write, I can design and come up with ideas, I have a killer sense of style when I can be bothered. Alot of things I don't do because I can't do them but because I'm not interested.
Alex the dean asked me once if I was uncomfortable having a male therapist, I shrugged and said it's alright. At THIMUN, people were afraid to talk to me because I was constantly surrounded by an entourage of male 'bodyguards', delegates from other countries attempting to get my attention to look at a resolution, to offer their opinion, to change clauses, to make sure things get done when I wanted them to get done. I worked for three months to produce a comprehensive plan to prevent the trafficking of women and children from third world nations. I wanted to be the kind of lawyer who would do things right, to protect the rights of others to not be discriminated against, to give people a second chance. In America, black males are 7 times more likely to be stopped by the police and thus are 7 times more represented in prisons than white counterparts. Corporate criminals, often causing losses of millions are less likely to be served a sentence than someone who stole bread to feed their family. Women are less likely to be able to protect their rights in family law cases. Everytime I read the newspaper, everything there's another rape, another killing, another war, more deaths, more violence, I get sick. It's so bad to the point I can no longer read the news because that's how afraid I am. A politics and law student.....who can't read the newspaper.......anyone see what's wrong with that?
The doctor says lets change that, lets make you less sensitive to such things..
Hello, it's because most people are less sensitive that we have such problems. People like me change things, we actually care unlike your bizarre lip service because we are actually doing something towards it.
When I was young I witnessed how my uncle was beating up his son and kicking him and burning his skin with cigarettes. I was hiding behind the chair. He was a year older than me.
His mother took him and his sister and moved away.
My grandma's brother....has two wifes. Or technically a wife and a mistress. Everyone knows how he kicks his wife to the ground. His children are completely useless, with barely an education, no jobs and spend their time either being pregnant, knocking up girls or travelling and shopping. He used to give me bigger angpaus because he knew I didn't like him.
My great aunt and subsequent family treats their grandson like god and ignore their granddaughter. I used to give her more attention because I thought it was unfair he gets taken for treats and she doesn't.
You see, I can hate my family but I can't choose them.
On the other hand, I can choose who I hang out with.
And it doesn't include people who frankly have no lives. Who think it's alright to bitch about people, and who think it's fine to continue being hypocritical.
It doesn't include people who are distasteful.
It also doesn't include people who just sits there.
I usually think things through, arguing with myself one argument against the other before deciding which I believed in. Like right now weighing in the people who would read this or listen to this who makes their own judgements, who have their own backgrounds and thoughts. And thinking now who will be hurt, who will be concerned, who will just go meh.
Going is it right for me to post this. Reading every line, re reading, editing, re writing.
I'm always in self doubt because I know then whatever I choose is the final. It has become an obsession to always think what am I doing today, what am I doing tomorrow, what was I doing yesterday, was this ok, was this not ok, was this alright, how was this, how was that, what did I do, what effect did my action have, what effect did my words have, should I say this, should I not say this, should I act this way, or the other way, how am I treating this person, am I being cold, am I being wrong, am I being stupid, am I being annoying, am I being difficult, how should I change, what should I do, is this right, is this not right.
If this sounds like you, you should see a therapist.
Enjoying your life? No you're not my friend.
Not enjoying your life? Stop being a self absorbed lice.
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 9:04 PM
Dinner was edible, eggs with mushroom, and pan fried chicken marinated in dark sauce and sesame oil.
Dessert was custard with apples, bananas and strawberries.
This isn't working out very well.
More trouble than its worth.
I thought it was because I couldn't get mad at you.
But it's like custard. Not like you can separate the whites from the salmonella in the yolk.
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 7:52 PM
Crud....
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 12:21 AM
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Ok
Itinerary for wednesday:-
Wake up at 7 (ugh....)
Arrive at Orygen at 9 for interview and 30 bucks (woo...hoo)
Go to class at 12 (if still can)
Eat Lunch
Go to class at 3
Go to law class at 4
Go to Mason lecture at 6.15
Cool.
Right.
Hm...
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 10:30 AM
Monday, August 13, 2007
The straight A student.
Now I'm running from classes.
Phenomenal.
Top of my class, top percentage in the form, heck even top in the country.
I was soaring through like nobody's business to the extent that I was thinking I couldn't fail.
I tried....deliberately not studying, writing utter crap. And passing with flying colours.
I was terrified I was going to get a B in the finals.
Even one.
I got into the best law schools the world could offer. I had a choice.
Then I came here and promptly failed in second semester, barely scraped through the first, had a meltdown in the second year.
I went from perfect student to 24 hr essay queen.
I can't bear to be in class. I like the subjects just fine, I even find them interesting. But it's my entire body is screaming at me to the point that I have to go home or I'm going to be sick. I can't even touch the books much less crank them open.
I sit here every night thinking, right, come on, you need to do something.
Right.
I have to calm down by resorting to things I can do.
Drawing.
Drawing takes time.
Just take a small break, keep at it, then try again.
Not going to happen.
What am I suppose to do.
The info in every reader says mental health is under disability. I'm not disabled.
Deaf, dumb, blind, physically impaired, intellectually challenged are disabled. They need help.
I have a choice.
Am I suppose to take a year off?
Maybe just take a rest, draw.
I know myself.
As if I'm ever coming back.
I'm the happiest when I'm drawing and coloring even arguing with the computer to make the lines straighter.
The unhappiness is behind me, resting, waiting, but I'm calm, I can handle this.
I can't keep doing this.
What am I suppose to do for my entire life?
Not even great at art. People always praise someone else, they are always better, more talented, oh that's so cute, wow your coloring is so pro.
I get a 'hm not bad, lines crooked tho' 'yeah better, still need to practice'.
So I get criticisms and they don't?
My dad pay 25k every year to send me to uni. Double that to cover living expenses.
And all I want to do is curl up with a book or do sketches or just poke my cat.
I don't know who I am, what I am, what to do.
I feel lost, and confused and everyday it's like they expect me to get better.
What happens if I don't?
Today I gave someone advice about going to see a therapist instead of hurting themselves. Suicide is never the answer I said because it hurts more when you believe you're not worth it.
I don't take my own advice.
Hm.
Reasons are often ridiculous. Things are too hard, it's too painful, can't do this anymore.
Just suck it in.
As if there are people who aren't really suffering, starving on the streets, getting shot, raped, dying for reasons outside their control.
You and I aren't suffering. We are just being selfish.
Attention seeking.
It kindda sucks more with the attention.
Just go away.
I don't want to have to smile to you every day.
Pretending.
Isn't my body, isn't my mind, isn't me.
What do I say when you call? It sucks? Yeah it sucks, deal with it. You already know it.
What more do you want.
I walk the streets talking to myself.
It doesn't even hurt anymore, it's just blah.
Have you any idea how distressing blah is.
I can't cry.
I can't be happy.
And it isn't even real panic attacks. Real panic attacks feel like my entire body is going through a sudden shock, and filled with nausea and clamminess and my mind just going into firealarm mode.
This is disgust. I have to get out of the room.
I can't sit there any more listening to the lecturer or writing or just being there.
Can't look at my books.
This is distress.
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 9:29 PM
Saturday, August 11, 2007
I'm thinking about my grandma.
There were so many times when I'd keep thinking she's so annoying, so frustrating, she doesn't understand.
But then there are times I'm so scared she'll go away I'll be physically sick.
I'm afraid she will die.
I'm afraid she won't be here anymore to tell me off or to tell me to do certain things or to fight me over the tv.
I remember when I was a kid I got woken up because during the night I'd stop breathing and then we spent a frantic minute trying to get the inhaler working, failing which she picked me up and carried me down several flights of stairs, across the road and to the doctors.
I used to have to go to the doctors almost every weekend.
I also fell down every week and scraped some body part.
She's the only one who ever knew how to make me feel better, rubbing oil, egg, dough, to get rid of nausea, fever, aches.
She slept with me for like 75% of my life because she was afraid I'd get an asthma attack in the night. She also used to pat me on the back to sleep, to get me ready for school every day, to wait for the school bus when I return. She tied my hair, iron my clothes, cooked for me, hell even bath and fed me until goodness know what age.
I don't appreciate her enough.
I look at my mom yelling at her, and I think gosh that sucks.
And then I yell at her.
My grandma's getting old.
Mom used to tell me what a mistake she made when she was young and to tell me never to make such a mistake. Never trust a guy, finish your education, get a good job.
I had a duty.
I wasn't allowed to have a boyfriend, I can have 'friends'
I didn't have many friends.
I studied instead.
Never went to camps or visits or day/night trips. Went for one dance during my entire highschool times.
Had to look after my grandma supposedly. Truth was she was looking after me.
At age 10 I stumbled across an adult chatsite and boy that was kinky. Got banned from the internet for the next 6 years.
The only person to have ever told me I was worth something was a random guy from the US.
Who's ever listened.
I wasn't very special. Wasn't very bright. Didn't get along well with people. Kindda useless, annoying, kindda naive. I wanted to be loved, yeah. To be like those people in the books who are always filled with hope and family and friends.
I did well because I worked hard, and I worked hard because I was suppose to.
I was the only one in the family expected to go to university.
To get a good job.
I don't particularly like myself.
It's very unlikely that someone else would.
At age 11 I kindda gave up being curious about things and wanting to go on trips and stuff.
Likely I have to stay, so might as well. I didn't bring back the forms to be signed or asked for money for trips unless they were for educational purposes.
At age 13 I started thanking a guy everytime he bullied me because it took too much effort, too much tears to be upset everytime he did so.
At age 14 I thought, this is my life to lead.
It's not for anyone else to live through me, and the only way I could get out was if I got independent.
I wanted to get away.
Wanted to stop thinking all I am going to be is a disappointment.
I kept feeling nauseous and thinking what is wrong with me everytime I freak out during dinners, cab rides, random lectures, random walking around. The feeling of nausea builds up until I'm so sick I can't do anything.
I missed half of last semester's class.
I have never missed a class before university, dragged myself to school even if I had a raging fever.
I just don't realise why I'm doing anything at the moment and realising that I'm not really doing anything.
There were moments so bad all I do is to curl up and yell for the noise to stop.
I feel so sick.
I can't say all this stuff infront of someone because I have to see their face. To see the disappointment.
I can't be a disappointment anymore.
This is so exhausting.
I'm tired.
I don't know what I'm doing most of the time.
To keep this stupid smile frozen on my face.
This isn't being in control.
I'm so tired.
Maybe I should print this out and read infront of my therapist.
What's the point.
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 1:16 AM
Friday, August 10, 2007
I rockingly love my stripy purple and black socks.
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 6:46 PM
Thursday, August 09, 2007
Need therapist...
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 12:33 AM
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
Je suis désolé.
Je ne suis pas assez fort.
私は残念である。
私は十分に強くない。
我抱歉。
我不足够坚强。
Maafkan.
Saya tidak cukup kuat.
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 2:37 PM
Monday, August 06, 2007
Bolted from another contracts class.
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME.
It's not like it's uber scary and hey I even did relatively well considering I missed half of last semester's class and hey I also don't know anything in constitutional law and I still go so WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH MEEEEEEEE.
This is getting so miserable. All I get is the overwhelming feeling to curl up and cry and I even considered hiding out in Alex's office. HOW MISERABLE IS THAT.
GYAH.
HATE.
GYAH.
I'm hungry and miserable.
And thirsty.
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 4:36 PM
Sunday, August 05, 2007
I miss Suan.
Miss college too.
Kindda miss my room.
Miss Thomthom too.
Also miss knowing what the hell is going on in class.
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 11:41 PM
Pharmacy closed, so walked 7 km to get meds!
Teehee, fun.
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 9:45 PM
Thursday, August 02, 2007
Yay for panic attacks.
After two hours of nonstop uncontrollable laughing, now huddled in bed crying.
Fun isn't it.
Every night.
I'm tired.
The clothes are refusing to dry properly.
The apartment smells like cat food.
I can't concentrate to the point that I haven't touched a single text since two weeks that uni has started and yesterday bolted from Contracts.
In despair because I'm constantly thinking there's a really huge sharp knife in the drawer.
I have no idea how to survive this semester.
The only thing I had was to get a cat which I probably won't be able to take care of.
I am exhausted everyday from cleaning, walking, sitting, thinking.
How desperate.
Boy.
You come by every night with food.
I appreciate that I starve a little less.
Everytime you're the reminder of the little things which hurt, which doesn't deserve to hurt me anymore. To get rid of them does that mean I have to lose you?
Sigh.
What role do I play in your life as a friend, hm?
I am reminded I have another month to live.
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 11:50 PM
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
Considering that judges often interpret laws based on a whim, it's sort of pointless for us to be sitting there looking at objective tests by which to know what the law is, because the law isn't just one thing, it's based on circumstances.
So here we have a judge who feels one way about the case so he decides to go look for rules to back up his conclusion.
And here we have 120 students trying to grapple their way around how such and such rule = such and such conclusion unless there are = exceptions based on several = rules again.
So rule= conclusion except where there are exceptions = new rules.
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 11:11 AM
