Friday, August 17, 2007
Everything I want to say to you I'd have already said it to myself or written it out, so technically by the time I arrive at your office, I've ran out of things to say.
So here goes, a printed letter.
I'm not like some sad little orphan gone through the tough life in need of pity. Every day I'm confronted by people (yes people) expecting me to get better. How's life been, how are you, everything ok, you seem more like you, hey it's getting better isn't it, they want you to get better too.
You know what, it's not getting better. It's getting worse. Is your life all that great to be telling me how sad it is?
I pretend to be the silly little girl who does alot of mistakes and don't know many things. Yeah, you know, it's called an act.
I'm alot smarter than you are.
I'm also alot more capable.
My future involves 17th floor offices in high rise buildings, with secretaries, chauffeurs, the controversial cases, photographs splashed on the front page news.
Sure I'm not the smartest, but I can do so many more things than you can. Self esteem isn't an issue, the only issue is you thinking I'm stupid.
I didn't get into law because of a fluke. I'm also not failing because I'm incapable but because I'm competing with the best. I know the difference between my subjects and yours. Yours require memorization,mine demands thinking. Do you have a single original thought in your head?
My subjects speaks of the rule, how to get around the rule, how to know the way to get around the rule and still follow the rule, and how to dismiss the rule altogether. Yours say a+ b = c.
You laugh and joke and call me the 24 hr essay queen.
I was struggling.
I was struggling being apart from things I knew, from being away and not coping, from thinking I'm alone. Anyone bothered to ask why?
No, of course I get blamed. I'm the antisocial one. You say you've been through this, you know everything there is to know, you do this and that, you know what, you're utter crap.
Am I seriously that stupid not to do my research?
I know social problems, mental health issues. The moment someone mentioned they're concerned that a friend don't seem to be eating well, I was the first to say we should make sure she doesn't have esteem issues or is going through those stupid dieting plans.
You say I don't care about you? Ever bothered to say what was wrong with you in the first place? You chide me for keeping my problems to myself and then you blame me for being selfish for not realizing your problems?
Right, bullshit.
What's wrong with your argument?
I said it would be fine, let me handle it, it'll pass. You refused to let it go. I'm doing things wrong? It became a simple disgruntlement to full blown hatred. Do you get along well with everyone?
Then you tell me no, not everyone in the group likes each other.
Yeah I get that. I do suss people out. I get it when people don't like me, I also get myself when I don't get along with other people. I just don't say things to you, because guess what, they were your friend first. I tolerate them for your sake. I didn't tell you, I kept it to myself, I still hang out with them, sure.
Then comes along someone who tells me how they dislike MY friends, how MY friends are weird, and you know what, if you hate them so much, don't hang out with them, simple, easy, done.
Why are you still with them?
You suddenly liked them?
If you're going to tell me how much they annoy you, then expect me to sit there and take the bloody thing in while you laugh and smile at them, you know what, you're a hypocrite.
I don't appreciate my friends enough right. So easily dismissive of them. I grew up alone. I didn't have friends. Not like it's just oh I wasn't popular, or I had really few friends....it was I didn't have ANY friends.
I was the weird girl who looked different, sound different, acted different. Dad's a full fledge count, descended from Louis XI King of France. Got laughed at when I told people that, this young girl so proud of her dad. They call me the princess, oh so privileged while they laughed and never included me in anything.
It's because I was always alone that I could really appreciate what it was like to have friends. To be included, to be accepted, to be invited. I thought, it's really nice to be able to talk to someone and to have someone talk to me.
I was never the one to attract anyone, always on the fringe, getting along with one person, being dismissed by others in the group. I hate cliques. In highschool I bounded from a couple here, a few there, sometimes spending days alone when they were off with their groups. I learnt to smile and act silly and pretend that I'm interested in your things because that seem to make you like me more. A joke right.
I was reading at an adult level when I was eleven. Was in every dance performance when I was 14. Had awards every year after I hit 15. Was deemed to be in the top 5 in the country from a world wide English exam at age 16. Worked in my first law firm when I was 16 while my peers were flipping burger patties at McDonalds. At age 18, was doing better than most of the students who have grown up in a much better school than where I came from, and also participated in one of the largest international conferences where I led a resolution backed up by half the commission of 150 people.
I can hold my own in any social standing, invoke the biggest debates on issues such as North Korea's nuclear plans, the bombing of Japan during WW2, the wars between Palestine and Israel.
I can draw, I can write, I can design and come up with ideas, I have a killer sense of style when I can be bothered. Alot of things I don't do because I can't do them but because I'm not interested.
Alex the dean asked me once if I was uncomfortable having a male therapist, I shrugged and said it's alright. At THIMUN, people were afraid to talk to me because I was constantly surrounded by an entourage of male 'bodyguards', delegates from other countries attempting to get my attention to look at a resolution, to offer their opinion, to change clauses, to make sure things get done when I wanted them to get done. I worked for three months to produce a comprehensive plan to prevent the trafficking of women and children from third world nations. I wanted to be the kind of lawyer who would do things right, to protect the rights of others to not be discriminated against, to give people a second chance. In America, black males are 7 times more likely to be stopped by the police and thus are 7 times more represented in prisons than white counterparts. Corporate criminals, often causing losses of millions are less likely to be served a sentence than someone who stole bread to feed their family. Women are less likely to be able to protect their rights in family law cases. Everytime I read the newspaper, everything there's another rape, another killing, another war, more deaths, more violence, I get sick. It's so bad to the point I can no longer read the news because that's how afraid I am. A politics and law student.....who can't read the newspaper.......anyone see what's wrong with that?
The doctor says lets change that, lets make you less sensitive to such things..
Hello, it's because most people are less sensitive that we have such problems. People like me change things, we actually care unlike your bizarre lip service because we are actually doing something towards it.
When I was young I witnessed how my uncle was beating up his son and kicking him and burning his skin with cigarettes. I was hiding behind the chair. He was a year older than me.
His mother took him and his sister and moved away.
My grandma's brother....has two wifes. Or technically a wife and a mistress. Everyone knows how he kicks his wife to the ground. His children are completely useless, with barely an education, no jobs and spend their time either being pregnant, knocking up girls or travelling and shopping. He used to give me bigger angpaus because he knew I didn't like him.
My great aunt and subsequent family treats their grandson like god and ignore their granddaughter. I used to give her more attention because I thought it was unfair he gets taken for treats and she doesn't.
You see, I can hate my family but I can't choose them.
On the other hand, I can choose who I hang out with.
And it doesn't include people who frankly have no lives. Who think it's alright to bitch about people, and who think it's fine to continue being hypocritical.
It doesn't include people who are distasteful.
It also doesn't include people who just sits there.
I usually think things through, arguing with myself one argument against the other before deciding which I believed in. Like right now weighing in the people who would read this or listen to this who makes their own judgements, who have their own backgrounds and thoughts. And thinking now who will be hurt, who will be concerned, who will just go meh.
Going is it right for me to post this. Reading every line, re reading, editing, re writing.
I'm always in self doubt because I know then whatever I choose is the final. It has become an obsession to always think what am I doing today, what am I doing tomorrow, what was I doing yesterday, was this ok, was this not ok, was this alright, how was this, how was that, what did I do, what effect did my action have, what effect did my words have, should I say this, should I not say this, should I act this way, or the other way, how am I treating this person, am I being cold, am I being wrong, am I being stupid, am I being annoying, am I being difficult, how should I change, what should I do, is this right, is this not right.
If this sounds like you, you should see a therapist.
Enjoying your life? No you're not my friend.
Not enjoying your life? Stop being a self absorbed lice.
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 9:04 PM
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