Sunday, May 29, 2005
Right now I'm feeling snuggled and having a panic attack at the same time...........don't really know why, I think I'm abit stressed out.........
It seems to be a perpetual situation that whenever I feel remotely happy, panic attacks sets in...........overwhelming feeling of not being able to breathe, of feeling like your head is fuzzy and that you deserve to die, that your insides are melting, that you have done so much wrong you are not suppose to live.......
Sigh...................
I'm worried.........if it stays this way, I'll go insane............
He called..............miao...............he sounds sweet......*snuggles a chibi leopard plushie*...............right now happiness is setting in................
*miao*
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 9:21 PM
Friday, May 20, 2005
………………..I guess it is kind of my fault this time for seeing grey again…………………………….should have learnt my lesson huh…………stop trusting, stop dreaming, stop hoping……………….
I don’t understand why………………………….to me the best thing about being alive is that we are able to love, and able to show people happiness…………the thing is that not many people think like this anymore do they.
Now it is all about hurting……………about pain……………..the philosophy is ‘as long as I get what I want, nothing else matters’……….
Now I’m going off track again……….
*sigh*
It feels like Jas all over again…………………don’t know why seeing him everytime, it hurts……….it just reminds me how stupid I was……….how it was such a cliché, such a lie……………….
Now………………………………………………….
I didn’t think it would hurt wanting to be with someone I haven’t even seen………………………..and now even crying again, it hurts more…………………………………………………………
Someone should remind me that I have exams……………..literature 20th Century text today wasn’t that bad, but wasn’t great…………. I liked the Walcott question, but Decline and Fall was something we were totally unprepared for………I don’t know……………probably just going to take it easy………….I’ll study and try my best………….Sociology and History on Tuesday……………..got a headache, and very tired………………
Grey
Heaviness settles, mocking as I rock
Back and forth…
Feeling like it would wash
Everything away
Dripping…slate outside
There’s only cold,
Hard grey granite
Unyielding against stony skin
Tasting the salt
As it washes away…
Soon crumbling,
I clutch, trying
Scraped against brittle coal
Leaving streaked red
Only me…unmoved upon grey…
By Sukunami Taka
….I feel sick…………………………………………..
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 9:04 PM
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
I hate revision.........whoever told you that this is suppose to be in benefit to you, is not a person, it is a ghoul.........designed to kill you....slowly and painfully...................
I CANT REMEMBER................get it in your age obdurating heads......those lousy examiners sitting in london...........I CANT REMEMBER...........every sociologists of every theory with every study for every single sub topic of every minute detail of sociological work ever done and every historian popping up from nowhere with minute lines waiting to be memorised for every point to be made in every essay...................and every poetry analysing skills to be analysed and every character from Decline and Fall with every themes and considerations..............
I AM SO DYING HERE....................
And all I can think about is my leopard sitting for his exams in Austria................................................................this is so unfair...................
If I don't get atleast AAA and a lousy pass, I can't get to UCL, and I can't see him.....................and to get that AAA and a pass, I need to to concentrate and I can't cos it's HARD..............and BORING............
Sitting there trying to remember every detail and to understand and to be relaxed..............HUMBUG............................it's boring, it's giving me a headache, and my eyes ache....................and *sigh*.............I feel so useless......................................
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 9:37 PM
Friday, May 13, 2005
Last day of school,
Exams next Week,
Revisions to start,
Application to Melbourne Uni tomorrow,
Right knee is hurting,
Getting Panic attack,
Headache starting,
Maybe I'm getting Fat,
And the Leopard is being distant....................
>.<
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 9:28 PM
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
Sometimes you start waking up happy and you have no idea why...........
Even when there are exams on which your whole life depends upon coming in one week,
Even when your best friends are moving to universities in other countries,
Even when your knees are aching like anything and should be causing concern,
Even when you start having headaches and fall asleep in class,
Even when you start going backwards in go rankings,
Sometimes I just have to wake up happy because I AM happy.............and have a certain miaoing leopard to thank for making the world seem just a little bit brighter and worth living in.................
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 10:57 PM
