Friday, December 24, 2004
Found this in my files..........did it some time ago on a site which gives name meanings/personalities.......so here I am....:-
Taka:
You are an overly sensitive person, often falling into a saviour-martyr role. You are very sceptical and have more than your share of bad luck. You have much enthusiasm with a driving attitude toward achievement in life. You have good recuperative abilities. You are determined. You have a need to be up front.
Sukunami:
Status is important to you and your ability to achieve success and earn money. You have a need to be noticed and seek status. You are soft-hearted with a charitable nature. There is a compulsion for change and rebirth on all levels. There is a need to guard your health. You need to learn the meaning of true giving. You can handle details well. You have a methodical mind. You have a need to be up front. You are always involved with projects and things to do. You are relatively demonstrative in your affections. You enjoy being stroked verbally and physically.
More or less correct...........that was cool.......
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 12:47 AM
I've just remembered that I've spent one month cooped up doing official work for law experience and I still got rejected by Oxford........
Well.......if they can reject a person who has dedicated their whole life to working towards a dream.............they are so not worth it.........let them keep their mediocre students who does things by the book............
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 12:34 AM
Thursday, December 23, 2004
No.....did not commit an affair......
I hate Oxford........the heck.........they have driven what was left of my self esteem which was one centimetre high and snuffed it to non existence...........................
What am I suppose to do now?? My whole future had depended on that lousy (even though they have great rooms, great reputation, catered food, and adjoining bathrooms) institution for me to live for the next three years and to get a decent job when I graduate.......but noooo........I don't even get the chance to get the headache of a lifetime with no spare time, no life, and constantly burying myself in their massive textbooks, through studying in Oxford because I don't even get to be IN the horrible, without a heart and without a brain Oxford.........
What were they thinking????
*feels desolated*
I did everything............my whole damn life was dedicated to this one moment......this one time when I can apply and get into one of the most coveted universities.......my whole life..........preparing, learning, studying, taking exams, doing lousy extra co-curicular activities to be all rounded just as they like, never getting into trouble, getting migraines every day just trying to cope with being a bloody great student.........
My whole insignificant speck of a life is totally and utterly WASTED.......
For this one moment of rejection.........
This was what I had dedicated my life to...............
REJECTION AND UTTER INSIGNIFICANCE AND NO FUTURE
I spent my whole life trying to be good for the world to screw me over............
Oxford isn't the best.......in fact I think the person who interviewed me to be a little crack in the head with her head tilting every five minutes and saying 'that's right' in this slow drawl...........and the stupid test which made no sense and which cannot even gauge how much dedication and hard work you have put through, or the amount of effort spent cultivating a life that would ensure the best grades and total and absolute all rounders status...............wasted...........
Were they just looking at grades...............
What the heck was wrong with me? The best top grades from exams........sound thinking and reasoning, participation in activities, self motivated work, independence in study, great multi racial background, ambition to succeed and a moral conscience..........leadership roles..............
Every decision I've ever made was done with the thought of Oxford in mind..........................
Screw them................ten years from now, I would be a successful and the most highly paid criminal lawyer in the country..........in twenty years it would be in the world...................
No worries...............
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 1:02 AM
Wednesday, December 22, 2004
*Sigh*...........Christmas this year is one gloom doom affair.......first with love rejection, now from Oxford???
That's right miinasan...........I've been utterly rejected by Oxford, and now face a life of living on the streets with cardboard and week old food......what fun.....
They were very nonchalant with their rejection letter.......just a 'We write to inform you that we are unable to offer you a place to read law at Magdalen and I'm sorry to tell you that your application would no longer be considered at other colleges at Oxford' and then 'We hope you have better news from the other universities you have applied for'............yeah, tough......humph....
I must have failed my test.......that's why..........
Fine......I don't care now........I'm off to join nichan in Uni Melbourne......unless UCL accepts, although the London area is no call card................Sussex......hmmmm..........shared bathroom and self cooked food..........NICHAN!! I'M COMING TO UNIMELBOURNE!!!!
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 12:37 AM
Tuesday, December 21, 2004
I think I'm turning into a stalker....nichan says that sending christmas cards to my ex and very still much in love with lover for 10 days everyday before christmas is stalker material......
But.......just that..............okie........
Who wouldn't want a stalker?
Make that who wouldn't want a cute stalker?
Maybe I'm just going abit insane with the loving him too much thing......he is my first true love though........
Fine.......who wouldn't want a slightly insane, very much in love, cute stalker?
I'm so not stalking him................
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 12:57 AM
Saturday, December 18, 2004
I've dreamt of my Jas......uh.......of Jason quite a few times........*sigh*....miss him very much.........he is still nice to me atleast, helping me out with some personal problems..........actually just letting me cry to him........*miao*
When we were together the dreams were always happy.......kindda intimate ones.....no details miinasan................
Then we broke up..............the dreams continued actually......just older......you know those dreams where you age like 10 years later..........*sigh*........and we were happy.......going to university.........then......
There was one dream I remember.....kind of weird......but it was suppose to end happily with us making up but then it was surreal......we were trying to find someplace quiet so we started walking and I know we were walking up to the stairs that go to the first floor, the one which is kindda dark and ends there.....but it was totally different because we could look out and see trees......and the window place thingy was bigger.....and brighter.........but on the way up, I kept trying to breathe......and it was getting harder and harder......and we stopped a few times........when we finally reached the stairs and he said he loved me.......we hugged......and asthma attack occurred................I think I died after, cause everything went dark.............just remembered that I felt alot of sadness.......
Second dream I remembered was weirder............don't remember the details though...........felt hazy....and christmassy........with alot of scents....and some kind of liquor...............and there was him........and I keep thinking that there was someone else.....but I don't know who........
It's so weird............and today I woke up to another dream......and this one was nice........definitely.......he came over and told me to close my eyes and then put something on my finger...........ring ne........silver.......unassuming........and he just stood there........then he said look inside......and on the inside of the ring it's engraved 'I love you'........
I think I'm going insane..............keep thinking that he's the one......HE'S THE ONE..................................
And I'm going to be unhappy the rest of my life.........being alone...............dreaming of him.......................
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 12:16 AM
Thursday, December 16, 2004
I HATE HER..............HER in reference to the stupid b**** who gave birth to me as a mistake she made and blamed it on me..........her mistake, and I'M paying for it............there is absolutely no justice in this world for me to be born into it like a living hell.............or it must be because I was the evil incarnate in my past life and this is punishment.....
I WANT TO DIE................
I never asked to be born, never asked to live, never asked to have to live out a shackled life to books and school and a mother who has never once in her life BEEN a MOTHER.........
I hate this all.........hate her............HATE to the point that all I'm looking forward to is bashing my head out so I don't have to look at her, or smell her, or hear her..........
I want to die..........
GRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
*falls silent*
Hate her....................
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 1:05 AM
Sunday, December 12, 2004
Staring empty,
Empty walls.........crumbling below the self made moat,
The hardened foundations have gone soft,
From the tears from the sky,
Raining constantly, dripping down dew wet,
Nothing left,
Except an empty shell,
No laughter,
No joy,
No little feet pattering down the halls,
For it lies vacant,
Desolate,
Everything had gone,
Left in despair,
And the rain falls,
Falls on what is left.........
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 11:33 PM
Saturday, December 11, 2004
yesterday was prom night.......*dreams*...............
and the Marriot hotel was a great place, they had a beautiful ball room, though a tad small for us, no? and the food was not that good, felt like coughing the whole time.......*sigh*....but besides that it was great.........
My Jas......ok, ok.....maybe not MY Jas kun anymore......but still.........*dreams*........he got me a bouquet of pink roses.......and three red rose dedications and chocolates.......granted, they were written before the 'big apocalypse'........they were still sweet........and he looked great in a light purple shirt and gry coat........and gelled hair.........and cute smile......*miao*............and he held me again.........I missed his hugs so much...........and his warm hands.........and his smile.......he smiled again too....................
and we were dancing the whole night and listening to the songs........I never knew that he could sing all the lyrics, he was singing to the songs as we danced.....and he bounced side to side................
and the slow dances...............*flutters even more*........while we had dinner, there were all these performances which most were slow romantic songs that were great to danced to, but we were eating!! How were we supposed to act all romantic with dinner coming every 15 minutes??..........
Then the party really started and everyone got up to the dance floor.......there were ALOT of people.......ouch.........feet hurts........
*miao* then the DJ played one of the songs I liked and we together real close and swayed...........ne, he looked so adorable and sweet......just holding me tightly....................................I think I'm going to start crying again........................it was such a nice night..........*cries*......I want back my Jas kun..........sniff................
We ended the night holding each other and dancing slowly......most of the songs in the end were slow anyway, some with a beat...........but could be passed for slow.............................I loved last night..........I love him...........
*sigh*....................
So fleeting is a brief moment of pure bliss~
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 5:27 PM
Thursday, December 09, 2004
Well..........I fell down the stairs today........great move.....hate the school stairs.......like it'll waste so much money to build larger steps.......so crash I went and wrenched my left shoulder, scraped the left leg........reason for the wrenching was because I tried to catch myself by hanging onto the rail but discovered wow, it hurts.........and the scraping is no better........alcohol in contact with wound hurts.......my shoulder still hurts..........seems like I'm falling alot these days........maybe one day I can fall and die........
Tomorrow is socio seminar on religion........as well as prom night......what fun........fun fun fun fun fun fun fun.........fun.....................................................
..............................
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 10:00 PM
Who gives a test at 7 o'clock at night?? Is that consider prime time for people to be wracking their brains to answer exams at the best of their abilities??
7-9!!! Sheesh........
It wasn't so bad........quite similar to the LNAT...part A consists of 8 text with three questions each........all quite weird and nerve wracking......and then a part B with 6 essays to choose from.........it seems the other candidates (three girls) and me all chose the same question which was 'Innocent until proven guilty. Why?'
So wrote something on human rights.....and basis of the court....and evidencial documentation........etc etc...........
I'm tired now............
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 1:34 AM
Saturday, December 04, 2004
Rashy dragged us to watch a video clip of a korean song she had downloaded in her computer, this was on Friday of course…….and it was a very nice slow, soft romantic song which ended tragically……………notwithstanding that we didn’t know korean and she could be signing about worms for all we knew but the video accompanying the song was so…………………..sad……….romantic………….*cries*……..tear jerker………..
So these two people met and fell in love………*sigh*….she a passive little woman who gets tossed around quite easily and he a I suppose the much sought after man but anyway……….so they fell in love………….and they are happy…..and in love……………………………………..then we thought oh my god, someone is going to die and end this badly…..and Rashy shut us up and said no, stop being paranoid…….so we continue watching………….then there was a scene where he goes and race on a bike, and we think…..oh my god, he is going to get into an accident and die………..Rashy poked us and said stop being so paranoid……………..then the girl was reaching up for something and acid spilled on her and we think oh my god, she is going to die or end up horribly disfigured…….Rashy muttered in frustration and poked us again and there was this scene where she is wheeled into the hospital…………..then we see the guy, and he is so sad, and he takes the photo of them together and tore out the girl part and sticks it on the wall and packed up and we thought……oh my god, the jerk he is leaving her just because……………………..we are livid now and Rashy is annoyed………..then we see the girl and the doctor is taking off bandages from her eyes and her friends are there…..then come scenes where she looks sad, and she saw the torn photo, and then she looks in the mirror, and we all thought………there’s nothing wrong with her, why did he leave………….then someone showed her a magazine with her photo (cos he was a photographer and he took photos for magazines) then she goes somewhere and we see the guy and he is playing with a dog, and we though, oh she has found him……and then a photo fell to the ground, and it was on her………..and the guy groped around the seat, and we thought………………………………….
Oh my god, he gave his eyes to her so she can see…………………
And we see the hospital again with both of them in the operating room……and he takes one last look and a tear came from his eyes………………………
And we thought……………..he gave her his sight……………………the stupid romantic in love guy gave her his sight so she can see………………………………
Then we started crying…………….
I think it’s a sign………………………I don’t think you know who……..him………*points*………….would ever do something like that……..actually I told him and he actually said ‘I would never do that’…………….so…………
Then on the way back from school, listening to the radio and this song came on……….weird song, but it was done in such a way (love song again) that there was people speaking at the background giving a story line…………….and this girl was saying how much she loved her boyfriend…….and we hear her boyfriend with his friends joking here and there…………then we hear he proposed and she said yes and they were so happy and got married……….then she said ‘it’s all a hypothesis, all in my head’…………….she had broken up with him………..and we hear him pleading, how in love he was………….but the truth was she realized he wasn’t as in love as she was, so she broke up with him…………..and only then did he realize that he actually did love her but miss out the chance to actually love her……………………..
All love songs…………all broken up songs……….
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 11:28 PM
Friday, December 03, 2004
I still love him eventhough he don't...................
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 10:49 PM
I'm giving up my struggle.........
On Thursday, I found him alone so we went for a walk (which soon became four walks from the common room to the canteen the long way round) and to talk....mostly I did the talking and the hitting of him for making me so sad and miserable and technically we never made any headway cause he refused to open up and talk.......
So I finally gave up.........I can't refuse my feelings for him......still in love and still love him.........still falling in love with his smile and his look.........................so I agreed to a truce and be friends with him.........................we atleast talk abit now....nothing serious......but atleast we talk..................
Do you know how hard it is to be friends with someone who you are in love with and yet he is not in love back........knowing that all the time you want to hold him and make him happy, take away his sadness, and he doesn't want you..........
I'm miserable..........I love being with him....and it hurts that he doesn't....................................
Still miserable...............*check*........yup........
Then today.............I've realized it..........
He don't love me......................................................
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 10:24 PM
Wednesday, December 01, 2004
I'm utterly and totally messed up.........I'm obsessed with my ex who if memory serves *look at other posts* is not even in love with me.......
It's all his fault.........we had that huge emotional blowout after mufti day, then on Tuesday as I was walking up the stairs after lunch, I hear the faintest 'hi' and turned and there he was........the love of my life.....looking very cute.....yes, I still think he looks cute......he was looking like so in a blue shirt today with his hair spiked up.......which I am thinking could be a reason why he broke up with me cause I don't like gelled hair (makes it hard to run your hand through) and he did stop gelling when he was with me and now he is back to spiked up hair.......anyway, I digress........
So I said 'hi' back and turned away...and he asked 'Are you still mad at me?' with that cute deep voice he has........*I did say I was obsessed*......and I was in a utter shock..........what the heck......WHAT THE HECK......he broke up with me, he broke my heart, he STOMPED on my heart, and now he asks if I was still mad at him??!! *splutter*......I actually spluttered in front of him.......I asked back how he could not show any emotion at all, and he said adoringly 'I'm trying'...then he said 'I thought you were going to hit me'.........I did not have the heart to..........I give up...........we parted ways and I screamed in history class due to my frustration.........
So this little incident has proven to me that I'm still in love with him, and in fact I haven't given up.........did I mention I was stupid and idiotic, and naive? Now I am............................
I don't know what to do anymore.......how am I suppose to react to that?? I love him, he don't and he asked if I was still mad at him......why would he care if I was mad at him or not??If he didn't 'need' me and didn't 'want' me, then why would he care??????
And I'm falling deeper everyday........
Nichan Derek is right..........that guy i.e. Jas is messing with me.......love is power................and because of my feelings, he can just roughshod over me.........I think he hates me.......no one who cares for someone else can keep wrecking the emotional strings....and punching him won't work (suggestion from my history teacher) cos it's emotional pain, and punching him is not giving me satisfaction or healing any pain......cos punching him is only physical pain.......and Pripri did punch him..lame as it was, and all he did was smiled..............smiled..........he SMILED..........
I'm going insane.........
And I'm not mad at him.........truth gives.......I'm just miserable.........and still in love with him.......................*sigh*.......I'm so pathetic........................
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 10:29 PM
