Wednesday, December 01, 2004
I'm utterly and totally messed up.........I'm obsessed with my ex who if memory serves *look at other posts* is not even in love with me.......
It's all his fault.........we had that huge emotional blowout after mufti day, then on Tuesday as I was walking up the stairs after lunch, I hear the faintest 'hi' and turned and there he was........the love of my life.....looking very cute.....yes, I still think he looks cute......he was looking like so in a blue shirt today with his hair spiked up.......which I am thinking could be a reason why he broke up with me cause I don't like gelled hair (makes it hard to run your hand through) and he did stop gelling when he was with me and now he is back to spiked up hair.......anyway, I digress........
So I said 'hi' back and turned away...and he asked 'Are you still mad at me?' with that cute deep voice he has........*I did say I was obsessed*......and I was in a utter shock..........what the heck......WHAT THE HECK......he broke up with me, he broke my heart, he STOMPED on my heart, and now he asks if I was still mad at him??!! *splutter*......I actually spluttered in front of him.......I asked back how he could not show any emotion at all, and he said adoringly 'I'm trying'...then he said 'I thought you were going to hit me'.........I did not have the heart to..........I give up...........we parted ways and I screamed in history class due to my frustration.........
So this little incident has proven to me that I'm still in love with him, and in fact I haven't given up.........did I mention I was stupid and idiotic, and naive? Now I am............................
I don't know what to do anymore.......how am I suppose to react to that?? I love him, he don't and he asked if I was still mad at him......why would he care if I was mad at him or not??If he didn't 'need' me and didn't 'want' me, then why would he care??????
And I'm falling deeper everyday........
Nichan Derek is right..........that guy i.e. Jas is messing with me.......love is power................and because of my feelings, he can just roughshod over me.........I think he hates me.......no one who cares for someone else can keep wrecking the emotional strings....and punching him won't work (suggestion from my history teacher) cos it's emotional pain, and punching him is not giving me satisfaction or healing any pain......cos punching him is only physical pain.......and Pripri did punch him..lame as it was, and all he did was smiled..............smiled..........he SMILED..........
I'm going insane.........
And I'm not mad at him.........truth gives.......I'm just miserable.........and still in love with him.......................*sigh*.......I'm so pathetic........................
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 10:29 PM
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