Monday, November 22, 2004
………………………
I thought I was ok…………there is a big difference between ‘thinking’ and ‘being’………………………………………….reality check……….
I………….am……………NOT……………ok…………..
It’s not that bad…………the crying has stopped…kindda……….occasionally like today I would have felt like tears coming, and quickly stop…………………………so it’s not as bad………..kind of………………………………
Honestly I need the blubbering to stop………….it’s just not nice to stay sad…..and pathetic……….and hurt…………
That’s the problem isn’t it……….I don’t feel angry………..nothing…….no itty bitty little anger directed at the guy who did this……………………
No…………instead…….. I feel sad………pathetic………..and hurt…………
Anger would help………….anger would get rid of the sadness and unhappiness and patheticness………………and the hurt……………….it’ll atleast suppose to give me some other feeling except that stupid empty hurt………………..
But no……………no anger…………much as I want to kill him and strangle him and pour grinded glass in his drink…………. I’m not angry at him……………. I wasn’t even angry when he came up today and said ‘I don’t mind going to prom with you…..no one else has asked me’………….actually I felt like hugging him……………..
I miss him…………………..and again the tears nearly started because obviously shunned exes do not hug their ex boyfriends who ‘are not in love’ anymore………………………………..
Can’t hate him………………..how the heck can I still be in love with him who don’t even care………………or atleast he care about resolving his guilt……..but that’s his extent of ‘anything to do with’ me category………………
That’s the answer isn’t it…………….I’m in love with him………………..
I can understand that there are other guys, other ‘fish in the sea’ and better people who would ‘appreciate me’ (honestly I think that somewhere there is a how to comfort a sobbing mess of a reject book for dummies)……………sooner or later I could be with some other person……………………………………..but I won’t be in love with anyone else………………………………………
…………………………..
So at the mean time I can direct my non existent anger at some other people………………………………….hate my school………and hate the people in it…………………………………………….bunch of rich little brats………who only care about their ‘dresses’ than their friend………………….or more about their hundred and one love affairs about guys who are probably there for the money…………………..than their friend who did need them to be there…………………………………
Reality check……………… it was a total joke to think that the school famed for snobbish fake people won’t actually have snobbish fake people…………………………………………forgot to add……….also loudly annoying………………………….rich little snobbish fake people……………………..
So technically I don’t care anymore………….. I am past caring………….you are not a friend…………I am not your friend……………………………simple………….
Being alone works for me…………………I don’t like to smile anyway………………
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 10:39 PM
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