Tuesday, October 31, 2006
I withdraw what I said in last blog rant....or...actually...maybe I'll just add to it.
Sometimes my head is divided into two...there's the one which takes a reaper stance and goes 'can't take this anymore, just do it', and the other which is pumping me full of harsh drugs going 'noooo....it hurts more to cut....nooooo, you can't die yet'.
The result is I'm passed out on the floor sobbing because
1. I can't cut.
2. I want to cut.
3. I don't really want to cut, I'm just lucid and disillusional.
4. Whyever would I want to cut for a guy.....even my emotional vampire mother makes a better excuse to be the reason to elicit mortifying attention.
That pair of scissors doesn't do the job well...or maybe I don't press hard enough =.=. All I ended up with was a very sore and evidently dry arm. And lots of tissues.
That pair of scissors has somehow disappeared from my room =.=.
Not really sure why you'll end up with sore eyes, sore head, and sore neck from crying. Perhaps it is to override that gaping hole in your heart. Certainly......banging hand against head with a headache helps lessens the headache....while you're concentrating on the hand banging on the head.
Props goes to my friends who took the time out of their busy and much needed study schedules to pat me as I lay a mess on the floor with snot flowing out of nose and onto sweater. And to also drag my entire bed onto the floor so I can sleep....on the floor. Um....wasn't sure of the intention of the last one. I'm also not sure if my floor needs cleaning. And for making me hot chocolate which tastes alot better than how I make it. And for bringing sushi, salmon no less, and strawberry mogu mogu drink at 1 in the morning. For telling I'm stupid for liking a guy who is screwing me over and don't deserve all the emotion I have put into the relationship. For holding me for several hours as I laid a sobbing mess on the floor. It avalanched through two days so yeah it deserves two mentions. For bringing chocolate cake, chocolate croissant, chocolate and roses picked from west garden. For remaining rational while all I could say was I want him back. For making me bread with nutella, and for sitting with me watching anime and eating wicked wings when you have exam practices to finish. For listening to me screaming incoherent things on the floor and through the phone and for understanding to come really quickly.
All I feel like doing is sitting here and cuddling his sweater...the red and grey one which I pinched from his room. It feels warm...and it feels like I'm hugging him....
I'm one miserable excuse of a girl. What happened to I'm strong, I can do without a guy. =.=.
What happened to if I'm not happy with him, I'm leaving.
Right? RIGHT?
What happened to I'm trying this out as well...if it's not working, then fine...
What happened to that!
It was before I love him?
When did I fall in love....
How could I love a guy who finds it difficult to even like spending time with me.
What on earth was I thinking.
When did I find it difficult to say I love you to him when that was what I felt...
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 6:58 PM
Monday, October 23, 2006
Talk of suicide is cheap. Do you know why people say they cut their wrists, they want to die, they are staring at a knife?
Cos they want the attention. Glorified attention.
Keep an eye on it, they always tell someone, in the all so grandiose manner, in the o so subtle method. It can range from a random msn message to bloodied writing on the wall, to giving a gift...something special....or just smiling and looking at someone and saying goodbye.
It can range from the black and white I want to die, to the splendid nature of graphic details of blood flowing from wrists. The argument is the same....I've had enough, I can't stand it anymore, It's easier this way, I don't give a fucking care...
Remember it is to walk down the street, not across it. Cutting across doesn't do anything, it spills a little blood sure, it freaks someone out, sure. But killing you, it does not do. Only when you cut open the artery that runs down the length of your arm does it work, because then your heart does all the work, pumping out the blood until it's too much for the body to handle. Then it's over.
Is it?
Who'll miss you when you die? They are sad for a little while, then they get over it.
The situation is always the same. People make a huge deal over someone who claims to be suicidal. They give pathetic looks, voices of denial, but they keep arguing, people who cut themselves aren't clever, aren't useful, aren't bright.
We don't need to be. We just need to be dead.
Why? Cos it hurts? Cos it doesn't matter? Cos why should we care when no one else does? Cos we want the attention?
That's just it isn't it. Because it attracts so much uproar over it, because it's an instant flag alert to family and friends, it's so easy to proclaim, I want to cut my wrist.
Why don't you say, go do it then. Because if they truly wanted to die, they would be dead already.
Cowards are the ones who tell people. Wanting to be saved. Wanting help, wanting comfort, wanting the attention, me me me me, look at me, lavish me with your solid attention because I'm pathetic to the point that no one else cares unless they know I'm this close to killing myself.
Of course, perhaps we do it for fun.
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 11:42 PM
College movie 2006, nice little half hour movie on St Mary's and the people. As usual, I wasn't in it. Not any of the byshots, photos.....zilch, nada.
Not much of a surprise.
Perhaps I wasn't good enough, wasn't pretty enough, yada yada yada.
Perhaps I do not exist. That'll explain why I don't seem to register on people....or atleast hard documents.
Didn't exist in high school, doesn't exist at college.
Lovely.
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 10:17 PM
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
How juvenile my posts are, all rants, and complaints and yearnings of a girl unsure of herself. About time I grew up, I'm better than this.
I've stuck through 19 years working by myself, learning english, getting educated, attaining straight A grades, informing myself of world matters, enforcing myself to not lose my humanity.
I can get through university.
The best thing is....I haven't thought about suicide for some time. Perhaps I've come to realise there are things in this world I do not want to lose, no matter how selfish I can be, I do not want them to be hurt nor I to feel their loss.
I do not want to hurt myself anymore....atleast consciously.
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 2:14 AM
Monday, October 09, 2006
Watching your eyes
by Sukunami Taka
The gaze was deep,
Beautiful bright, soft
I watched you watch another,
And wondered why
I see them before me,
In lovely dreams at night,
They distract, those misty eyes
Capturing my thoughts through the day,
Then they turned to another,
And I wonder why,
It cannot be,
How can I try anymore?
Watching your eyes,
Gazing past me.
<------------------------------------->
So bleak......Blah.
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 5:06 PM
The goddess queen of Eqypt who ruled over one of the most beautiful land in ancient known world and who was known to be infatuated with the conquering king whatzisname.
Cleopatra was beautiful, enigmatic, proud and clever, known for wit and generosity and great jealousy, even in her tragic death, there was a yearning toss up of beauty and delicious plotting.
Don't know what she say in that brute of a man, or in that weird lover of hers.
I want to be Cleopatra and have men fawning over me -.-.
She was also known for great emotional rants and throwing expensive vases at her handmaidens and for great love, completely investing her heart and soul into the men she adored.
Sounds familiar doesn't it.
I like loving too much -.-.
When am I suppose to receive the other end of the loving i.e. being loved?
Blah.
Presentation for dispute resolution completed today, still got that 2600 word history essay to complete in time for tomorrow.
Completed Pluto San commission....nice isn't it?
I look rather hot in jeans and that long sleeve tight black wool top.....hmm...
Sleepover was fun, watched games, played games, ate alot of chocolate, watched Spy Game....mmmmm......
I want to cuddle my boyfriend -.-.
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 12:01 PM
Friday, October 06, 2006
Finished watching My Hime- so sad, so good, so...eh why did they come back to life wan, cheat people with all that sadness issit!
/grumbles.
Pretty decent for an anime I guess, but abit.....in the end hm.
One glaring inconsistency is why Alyssa Searrs came back to life since she was shot to death. The others can understand a little as their souls got taken 'magically' with the destruction of the Hime's child, but Alyssa the fake Hime died normally.
It's only the Fairy tale they believe is a song sang by Alyssa, and it's quite lovely. Yes I've run out of words, but you just have to hear it. The song tune was stuck in my head the whole of last night -.-.
Sorry for the video, was the best I could find, found a better one minus words and was an actual AMV, but that one refused embedment -.-.
Here are the lyrics:-
Who are those little girls in pain just trapped in castle of dark side of moon
Twelve of them shining bright in vain like flowers that blossom just once in years
They're dancing in the shadow like whispers of love just dreaming of a place where they're free as dove
They've never been allowed to love in this cursed cage
It's only the fairy tale they believe
Performer: Miyamura Yuuko
Composer: Yuki Kajiura
Ahhh....so sad....
I should draw
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 4:57 PM
Here it is, the ultimate otaku post! Besides Manifest of course.
Be prepared for alot of squealing, head shaking and trembling, hearken to my domain, young mage!
Or...something like that.
/cough
Derek and I finally caved in to buy WoW. YES THAT'S DEREK AND ME.
I'm not the only psychotic otaku who can't handle an addiction.
xD
Considering WoW was half off (30 dollars instead of 60!), the consumerist nature in me caved in too. *bows to it*
The thing consists of five disks. My entire computer is gone -.-. We discovered from my 60 gigs, I now only got four, how sad is that? And we had to download a patch when we have installed the thing so we hiked to Derek's and used his internet. 400mb on this would have killed me.
Then we discovered I needed to actually have bought the game card credit before I could create an account -.-.
So a weekend was spent....rather unwowishly.
Gamecard cost 40! Wireless mouse cost 60!
Dammit, I want my money back you soul stealer!
Created account, made a character for Connie (Aryael lvl 4 nightelf druid) and for Ann (Nabana lvl 7 human mage). Mages are so fun to play....*drools*
Then Louis lvled up my human warlock (Liryael lvl 15)
And he got me a silver tabby kitten ^^.
Of course I also typed in my name wrong and we sent the first kitten to someone else. TT...
But it's so cute! And it follows my char around mewing. *Squeals*
And I now also got a voidwalker (a grim blue djinn thing which hates me). Atleast my imp just scowls and pokes fun at my ability.
Louis has made a human warrior to play with me (Syleana lvl 14), but now he's switched to his dwarf priest (Briananin? lvl 17)
I like not dying when his priest atleast keeps a hundred and one defence spell on me.
xD
Quests are fun to do, although sometimes repetitive. How many times have I killed Defias thugs -.-....
And murlocs.
And then I forget where I was suppose to hand in the quests. And I'm running out of bag space ><.
And then I get killed by the pig/vulture/wolf/tiny bug eyed critter.
I love hearing Louis laugh everytime I do something silly or exclaim, OH!
Seriously addictive, uses up my internet, and gaaaaah I hate dying, but omg so fun.
Soulstealer xD
On unaffected note, I've gained the nickname of Killer in go club -.-
The guy who cosplayed L came by with his friend and we played alot of go games until 4.30.
Hurray for members.
I don't think I'd ever create a Horde char. No matter how many times Derek, Kenneth and Louis tells me 'stop looking at the looks, they're good!'
Meh, my pretty warlock rules =p
Maybe I'll draw her up one day.
Oh won best character for Pavisa for the Black and White contest.
Since then, did a few more commissions, and a few more to go. GoE Artist is the NPC for my artist post for Garden of Everything b/c on Gaia. Comments have included 'he looks abit ....weird, and ghostlike' and 'it looks better shoulder up'.
Xeromatic Boy is a commission for Xeromatic for her bf, came out rather nice xD.
American Paint Anthro, sketch commish for Umi Hitomi. Not very sketchy..I do prefer headshot sketches, looks way better.
I've got a ton more to go as well as the dreaded History essay.
Today's apparently Frewin room sleepover and on Sunday is the Battle of the Bands. Miao...
There's shinigami to create for GoE grand opening, finish commissions, promote that I'm doing real life commissions, play wow, spend time with friends and significant others and ensure go club doesn't disappear.
Subarasshiii......~
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 10:31 AM
Thursday, October 05, 2006
No, this isn't about Manifest or Warcraft. I'm not -that- shallow.
Occasionally you notice stuff about life. Occasionally it's sad, sometimes it's all good.
This is one of the rather sad, but ultimately good type of post. It's heart wrenching, heart warming, aww moment type of post.
Was returning home yesterday *edit --> last week* from purchasing Warcraft, and sitting in the tram. Slightly crowded, some minutes ride to home and I'm impatient incase I missed dinner. There was an old man seated across from me, wrinkled face, slightly obese body. Kindda reminded me of grandma, how all the old people have this sad faces and droppy eyes. He started looking through his purchases, staring at the back of each DVDs, and then unwrapping the clear plastic and clenching it in his stubby little fingers. Putting the DVDs back into the bag. Then he took out another....and attempted to unwrap it too.
For the whole moment......how fragile.
How the moment was so tenuous, the amount of details you could absorb looking at another person, even on a tram. He was old and slightly fat, and not beautiful, holding things in his little fingers and unwrapping very ...very slowly.
It's the type of moment in which one person could look at it, and feel....the person is so sad, so weak...so fragile and we don't even know the person. And it's also the kind of moment in which you attempt to describe to another person and fail at all the inadequate words.
For emotions cannot be summed up in words....too few, too undescriptive to involve every vulnerable tremulous feeling.
Then you notice the woman on the adjacent seat, staring blankly at the window, out the window, perhaps wondering thinking, what's life like on the other side, perhaps she's sorting out her shopping list, perhaps she's thinking of her little girl's birthday present, perhaps she's worried about her ailing mother.
And the person next to her, and the one after that.
On the tram you don't look at anyone in particular. In fact the situation is often so uncomfortable so passive, so routine, you tend to look away. You stare at the railing, the white wall, the window, the seat, your bag, your hands, all to avoid looking at the human being seated beside you, infront of you, before you.
They have their own stories to tell.....
It's kind of sad when you make it a point to ignore others...just like they are ignoring you.
The next day however, there was a young lady who stood up to give her seat to an elderly woman....
And a few hours later, another woman did the same for another elderly person. Different trams...different people..same generosity.
My heart distinctly warmed up.
And then I wonder if I would do the same.
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 3:47 PM
I am not good enough.
I'm weak, and I cry and I can't stop crying....I try to be strong and it's not good enough, not as much as other people can be. Because I am not them, because I'm not as clever or smart or beautiful, I can't be as strong and think.....maybe perhaps.
And it's selfish.
It is always I, never thinking of you,
How much you hate my weakness, my lack of strength, my lack of understanding,
How I make you jitter and how I make you sad, my inability to be good enough,
Makes you turn red and shuffle and go away,
And because of the way I look sad, because I cry and can not cope,
You suffer more because then you know somehow somewhen, my tears are because of you,
But it isn't.
My tears are because I cannot cope.
It's selfish, I am weak and I cry.
I am emotional and I show everything,
Whether I love and adore or hate or dislike,
I envy....the people you love.
Even here it's selfish.
The song, ever cliche is always the same,
I lie in bed, lying to myself, saying it's alright, it's paranoia,
I distrust the ill feelings within myself,
Because I am weak and I cry and I find things to blame on other people,
But it's never the other people, it's because I'm not good enough and I cry and I blame on other people.
And even here I make you feel worse for having the duty to comfort me.
You'll see this, and think
That's right...
You're weak and not good enough and you cry about every little thing,
Always wanting this and that and I'm sick of it.
It's a burden...
The song is always the same.
I am not strong enough. I try and it isn't my fault, it's others,
Not them, it's me, I keep trying...
I am not strong enough.
I see the way I cannot talk to you so easily, trying to find words,
Bridge the gap, find the comfort. I try and fill in every detail in an effort to find words. But you cannot.
We stand side by side, and not speak, it worries me because then I know..
Something's wrong.
And I refuse to speak.....because it's wrong.
Because I'm afraid.
Because I'm weak.
<--------------------------------------------------------------->
Goodnight ol' bean. Cheer up. It's not so bad, you'll get up and move on.
Goodnight ol' bean.
<--------------------------------------------------------------->
Something's always missing...isn't there.
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 2:19 AM
