Saturday, November 27, 2004
I'm just too tired to keep trying. Everyday I struggle, everyday I cry. I lie awake trying to sleep, tears and choked cries from my soul. Everyday I try to live, to live until the next day until I can finally just find the will to continue my life, to have a life.
I'm stupid. I'm naive. I always try..............always, always try to struggle, to prove to myself, to prove to others that I can live.........that I actually deserve to.............
I don't.
And I'm tired of trying.
I don't even know why I do........why I keep rising every morning. Why I drag myself to school............why I keep going to a place where anyway I'm going to be alone..............where people smile at me with fake smiles and false sincerity. Where people spend time with me only because it's convenient, only because they have no one else..............of seventeen years of my life trying to fool myself into thinking that one day this would change, this would finally become real.....
It is real........the loneliness, the anger, the emptiness, the sadness, the tears..........................the inability to keep going.....to keep trying........to keep struggling in order to prove to myself that I'm alive......
What am I doing this for.......why should I keep trying........why should I even want to anyway..........
For my family? Who scream at each other......who keep their suffering silent and just give it to each other..........who sees my as an empty shell, only wanting me to live because it is the right thing to do and not because I'm wanted......
For my friends? That is not even here.........friends are only the people who you want them to be........they don't exist........people are essentially selfish.......they spend time with you because they are lonely. They talk to you to hear themselves talk. They want to be kept in the loop, in the illusion that everything is alright and nothing can ever come to the fact that reality has crashed and fallen........that someone would be gone out of their lives forever.......
But that is the truth......
No one would be remembered.......no one would be here forever..........or friends foever.........or even be known forever.............in a year's time, no one would even remember I was here, or remember that I was their friend, or that I was in their class, or that I existed...............
By next week, even if I looked like hell..........no one would have cared, no one would turn and ask................no one would come and even pretend to care anymore.............By next week they would have gone back to their routine and to their 'friends', forgotten the pain, forgotten the sadness.................just go back to whatever they 'care' about at that time..............
No one would care that I try.............or that I struggle to keep living.....................because it is not something relevant........it is not something needed.........or wanted.............
I'm tired of trying....................
So I just won't..............I just won't try...............
I just won't care.........................
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 11:39 PM
Comments:
Post a Comment