Friday, June 15, 2007
Thanks for writing. Thanks for reading.
By the way you can choose not to read.
I've decided I am going to die. This is explicit to those who wanted a warranty from me when I make these kind of decisions.
Last night I gave up. I reached a calm and semi rational decision. I am going to stop doing this, by this I mean this whining wishy washy what am I going to do phase.
I am going to die. I just didn't know how. I offered many ideas, and everytime you kindda look at me weird, I looked at you weird too because in my mind I was thinking, those aren't suitable ideas.
Mainly because they physically hurt or has high chance of failing.
So my decision is within the next few months I'm going to find a hospital which endorses euthanasia. I have money and I have reached a semi legal age of being able to do things with myself. If I have to find a hospital in another country, alright.
In the mean time I will continue taking my medication and I will continue to see my case manager. I am going to slough through fiduciary duty and restitution and take my exams. I am going to go home, and then go to Thailand with dad and then maybe return. While I am doing all that, I am going to find a doctor who is willing to perform euthanasia. You can help me by finding one with me, or not. Your choice.
I believe I have the right to die, and now I'm just going to do it. It's not going to be this majorly dramatic sequence of my jumping infront of a tram, or jumping out my window, or cutting myself and dying slowly. I'm just going to disappear.
All this time I thought I was actually caring about people by not dying. Ok, so I was proven wrong.
I don't blame anyone and I don't expect people to feel guilty and actually I'm still trying to figure out why there are some who stuck around. You have your problems, you have your priorities, you have yourself to care about, I thought I made that clear.
Anyway it's going to take a few, maybe a couple, maybe less months for me to actually find a hospital. If by then I haven't found one, I'm sure I'll be thinking dramatic suicides work well too.
I have a high maintenance attitude, true. So I'm going to stop. Don't send me letters, don't see me, don't read this blog, go on with your life. Some of you actually live here and can walk down the corridor, thankyou, but I'm not asking you for anything. I am also going to stop calling you. And yes I respect your right to do whatever you please, I'll just smile at you.
The next few posts are going to be whatever little things I think about. This is the last post where I'm going to write I am or want to die.
Good bye.
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 10:25 AM
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