Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Due to a phone call this evening, this is an updated post that must be read.
In other words, if you're reading everything else, you have to read THIS post.
Pull up a chair, make yourself comfortable, get a hot cup of chocolate and listen.
This is the equivalent of Suan Ee's suggestion for the 'if you need to talk and for the others to listen I can make sure of it', well, I don't talk well, so I'm typing it out. Believe me, it's more effective.
Everything on this blog is a cry for help. There's no denying it because that's why it exists. I've been blogging since 2004. That's a LONG time, FILLED with depressive and suicidal thoughts as well as other moronic things that go through my mind. I don't write a diary because that defeats the purpose of me trying to reach someone. Anyone. A diary is read by me. It's no different from me talking to myself. That doesn't work anymore as quite clearly demonstrated, I'm no longer capable of willing myself out of my depression. Hence the blog. It's a way for me to signal something is wrong because (with much evidence) telling someone by voice doesn't work. It is a way for me to chuck out all these negativity and make them into coherence, and for me to reflect on why I'm being frustrated or miserable. It's helps me deal with the fact that I NEED to get those thoughts out or I WILL either become insane or go kill myself.
What you don't want is for me to start editing my posts or to lock this blog because well, you keep telling me to tell you things, so here they are.
And you know what, I've edited my posts before, made them more pleasing when I realised people were actually reading what I was writing. Presumably that's why I've ended up in the hospital because I've lost the one outlet I needed. Instead of stuff going out, they remained inside and this incessant screaming is ceaseless.
I can't sleep at night.
I can't focus during the day.
All I hear, even right now, is this screaming in my head.
I am MISERABLE.
Everytime someone calls and says 'How are you', be aware that you're hearing a pause. Because I'm thinking of what to say. It will take me a good half hour to spill out everything I'm feeling so the easier method is to say 'It's alright' or 'I'm sleepy'.
I don't know what else to say.
Because the situation isn't that different from weeks ago.
I still want to die.
I still feel miserable.
Things aren't getting better just because I'm not getting hysterical break downs every other day. Actually I'm still getting those panic attacks, just more frustrated at them.
I don't call because I am aware, I am getting help.
I'm going to see the counsellor.
I know I can call you.
I don't have a plan.
I have MANY ideas, but the day I'm actually going to go boom, is when I say Goodbye, I'm going to go die now.
The fact is, I'm struggling, and I'm fighting, and if I'm not, well, I'll be dead by now.
There's not much you CAN do.
If someone intended to die, they would already be dead.
Fact.
I'm still trying.
That's why I'm miserable, that's why I'm crying because I WANT to die, I just don't know why, and don't know how to get past it.
Writing things out, helps me focus.
And you know what, for four years this blog has been here, and I know there are readers but amazingly enough it took 20 years of living and one sentence to someone I didn't even know that well to spark off a hint that something was wrong with me.
Seriously I've written before about self harm. I've written before about suicidal thoughts.
It took a 'I'm crying every night' to THOM for HIM to realise oh dear, something is wrong.
I write because I think people out there deserve to hear me. I'm writing explicitly for these thoughts to be read. You deserve to know about the suffering in this world, about how things do not just revolve around you, about how there are more things in life besides grades and clothes and food and even people.
It takes someone in my position to realise that frankly, you and I are insignificant.
Life is about living.
Just being.
Appreciate.
You deserve to be more aware.
How often your actions and thoughts betray you in your selfishness.
Because you yourself shape reality. I don't care about you because all I know is my own thoughts, this is my reality.
But atleast I am aware of it, and you're not.
I'm not very reasonable, nor am I very logical. Because all I am is my thoughts and my emotions.
And they are important.
But no one ever listens.
You're paying more attention now because you know something is wrong. I'm not objecting to the reading. By all means, stalk my blog if you wish.
I'm just wondering why you're talking to me about it.
I write purposely. As in with a purpose, and every post goes through their own self editing so whatever is posted is final, is exactly what I'm thinking.
This is what is going through my head. These thoughts.
Sometimes they are abit late, because these thoughts came while I was in the shower but still.
Right now I'm also thinking I feel very nauseous and would like someone to hug except I'm sitting here with my hair wrapped in a towel waiting to be blowdried.
Most of the time I get out of bed due to inability to sleep and type out whatever is going through my head.
Whatever emotion you're getting from them is exactly what I'm feeling. Be it sadness, anger, nonchalance, happiness.
They are not written to invoke sympathy. They are written for me to sort things out and for me to get rid of the negativity swirling around my head. In the universe somewhere I also deemed myself important enough to feel someone ie the reader should know exactly what I'm thinking of.
Just read and be more aware.
Of yourself, of others. Do some self reflection.
And you know how I use the words I and You alot?
I am talking to someone, because in my head I'm talking to myself. Occasionally it's directed towards someone else.
So if you see a YOU, the you is either a reasonable non descript person ie the reader, or me, or someone whose name I do not wish to disclose.
Usually if I'm being negative about someone, I don't use names, but then everyone's so selfish to the point that they don't realise I'm talking about them. These are actually whole conversations if you read properly.
So as part of my ongoing therapy, I'm going to make some things clear, because up to now I was still taking your feelings into consideration. So for the following few paragraphs, if you're a reader, be aware that if you're important enough you are included.
Two of you have been talking to people about how you 'still care' and 'is worried' and 'things will never be the same again', but listen, YOU are moving on. Believe me, you are. You tell OTHER people how you still care because you want to establish that you do so as to not look uncaring, not that I should know about it. You have been moving on with life and dealing well with it. One of these two I've lost all respect for. The second I'm disappointed with. As I said, it takes two people to ignore each other.
The rest of you I'm disappointed with because I've been using your definition of friendship. You think I don't listen, but oh I remember more things than you do. You say your friends are the most important thing in your life and you would do anything to help them or to make sure things are ok. Guess what, you went away. You I dislike for thinking you're so much better than me. Waiting for me to 'come to my senses' and then everything will be okie dokie. Guess again, I want to die, I frankly don't care about you or your rational ideas. You decided to choose to be friends with someone who's been bitching about you and voiced numerous complaints about how weird you are and how they refuse to come out if you're there and forcing me to choose between being with this set of friends or that, that was YOUR choice.
I do not want to be that kind of person. And I do not want to be with someone who would make that kind of choice.
You I always have had the highest respect for, and surprisingly enough in one brief slip of information, have lost that respect for. It's highly personal, but I believed you basically stabbed me in the back.
Seriously, you can say I've blocked you on msn, and I have refused to answer your calls, but you know I'm still in the same country and guess what, I have email, available for looooong letters.
I once asked Thom what he would do if I stopped talking to him. He responded immediately to his credit that he would bang down my door and use his master key if needed to drag me out of my room and make sure things are ok. At the moment Thom believed I liked him and was feeling insecure, but basically that one sentence have made me cling to him for life. I'm like the moss clinging to the stone just to live even when there's no purpose for it. Thom doesn't even know me that well, but he was there for me to physically cling to when I was crying like an idiot. He was there till morning forgoing all manner of sleep and sanity to make sure I didn't feel abandoned.
He and Suan Ee IGNORED my pleas for space and quips about being alright to literally bang down my door until that night when actually I was going abit insane because I just wanted everything to disappear.
But you......sat there. I'm just disappointed. I told you what was wrong, I spoke to you more than anyone else. And then you went to lunch.
Two of the other you I rarely even talk to, and meh, you're very concerned about your own lives. So be it.
One of you I haven't blocked, and I have nothing against you so if you're reading, well, happy wowing.
End blab.
I don't care about how you've acted, and now I don't care if you're feeling angry.
Point of the matter is you're moving on. Acknowledge the fact that you are. Don't give me any crap. If you're feeling anything else besides guilty, well, I've kindda established that you're kindda selfish. Everyone is.
You come first and foremost in your mind. Every act is justified.
But it doesn't remove itself from that fact, you left me. Just as much as I left you.
To Alex, Thom and Suan Ee.
I feel bad most of the time. Pretty much miserable all of the time. Occasionally just blah, work, blah tired.
I am trying. I'm being somewhat stupid and moronic and childish and yes I know everytime you come in, I'm on a study break, but I REALLY am absolutely staring at the page and have NO idea what on earth is that judge blabing on about. Alex says, and dad and mom, no expectations, just get through this and get better.
I want to do well. This is being frustrating. For some bizarre reason I'm somewhat managing to think I need to do well in my exams eventhough I also see no future, so it's all very conflicting.
This isn't just all going to get better.
I'm wondering why I'm abusing myself so badly. There has got to be a reason. I thought once maybe I'm doing it for the attention or maybe I'm just plain insane.
If you put my life down on paper it's either clinical or normal.
Good family, good education, no worries about support.
But this is also a child who has bad family custody identity issues and years of bullying which gives rise to the low self esteem, the tendency to withdraw.
I do analyse myself. I don't know why. I am not a victim.
Why do I feel miserable all the time.
Everyone has their ups and downs, it's a NORMAl part of life.
But me? I'm just sad. Just negative.
I'm not miserable about a guy, about work, about people, about things. I'm just suffering.
So if you keep reading and keep being worried, know that this is what I'm going through every waking moment.
I'm trying to cope.
I am still running pen marks down my arms because it allows me to vent some of the pent up insanity. As long as they are marks, they aren't scars. But.........it does hurt, I noticed that.
I still rock myself to sleep, I still cry, I still get those panic attacks. I don't necessarily call you for every single little thing. You have lives to lead.
But you know if I plan to kill myself, you will know.
It feels weird to have your principal call you up for a chat but I enjoy talking to you even though it's abit weird. And I hope you try more bubble tea. And I kindda wonder about your sexuality. Just wondering, I am curious.
Thom I love and hope you appreciate your sense of individuality. I have no words for you because you're just Thomthom, a big fluffy teddy bear.
For Suan Ee, who is still going through life, trying things out, challenging herself and hanging on to a guy who should seriously appreciate her more, I woffle my nose to you.
Sometimes I ask myself would I give up this life for a better one. Without the sadness and the suffering and just be a normal person. And every answer I have ever given was......no.
I wouldn't be me.
There are things I appreciate about myself and things which I hate.
Sometimes I just want to disappear because it gets too hard to handle, to keep carrying this. I don't really care about people because I understand some of the things I think about. You always care about yourself, that's why the world is a worse place.
I keep thinking that.
I make the world a worse place.
And you know, if you understood how I feel, you should either be miserable or going insane or harming yourself or trying to die. You wouldn't be going on with life.
I need to go dry my hair and decide if I can slough through the rest of the fiduciary cases.
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 10:43 PM
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