Monday, June 04, 2007
And a return again after two rather stressful days in the dear ole hospice. Bad sleep, tremendously bad sleep. Waking up, tossing, turning, blah humbug. I'm just worried that's all.
Everyone keeps asking about plans....what plans....I just plan on getting through this week by week......
And in no possible way can I say I guarantee I will not hurt myself again. It's not that I don't want to, I just can't. It is synonymous with saying I will make sure it rains everytime I cry. It's not possible to promise something outside of your control. Perhaps.
I can try though. So be happy with that. Plus I have literally a thousand numbers to call, once you add them up together. Who knew there were so many helplines. And doctors. And psychiatric people. I'm highly doubtful of phone numbers.
When you're in that state of mind, it's like everything else ceases to be, no matter what they are. All you're concentrated on is getting the pain away.
So the thought process is something like this:-
It hurts, stop it, stop screaming, stop it stop it stop it, I don't want to hear you, stop saying anything, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it [at this point action begins] stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it [action gets tiring] stop.....it........[and it stops].
I am not a self harmer. In the very clearest sense, I want to avoid all pain. I get suicidal thoughts, yes, the self harming becomes a way to cope. For me to feel, for me to realize how far it goes, how scary it is. You have to realize, no matter how stupid I say I am (and I mean it in the more intellectual sense), I'm not exactly that stupid. I do realize things. And I can get very imaginative. If I wanted to, every object in any room can be used to hurt. Ever tried banging your head against the wall? I have. Against the door? I have. Every object no matter how harmless it looks can be used to choke, stab, strangle, cut, hit.
The thing YOU have to realize is that I'm looking at every object, I'm thinking of it, and I'm saying No. Give me a little credit? Self consciously I make that decision almost every moment. That makes it hard, and sometimes it gets harder than most times. I just want it to stop.
Asking me to stop........doesn't quite work in that way. I am trying.
The only possible way for you to absolutely ensure safety is to lock me up in a room covered wall to wall with marshmallow material. And seriously, that's it rather....excessive. Have a little faith in me.
So the plan is to go see my brand new case manager and psychiatrist. Then to keep chugging on with my brand new study plan. Take exams. Go home. Finish essays. Go on holiday. Come back.
Then, we shall plan somemore.
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 9:51 PM
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