Saturday, August 20, 2005
Lying awake at 7 am, having no sleep the whole night, and just watching the light slowly brighten the curtains till they shone blue green............
And in half an hour, it was like everything became clear. As if I have found my path again even though the path I now choose has derailed and taken a complete turn, but wow................I'm happy.
That's just it. Right after I took my decision, I knew.....I'm happy. With it, with myself, with my future.......it took away all the dread and all the confusion and regret, and I felt completely free.
I've never felt like this. It's like I've finally took a decision for myself and I've grown.
Got all the stuff planned out. I'll go Unimelb for the double degree and it's so great cos then I won't just be stuck with law, and melbourne is such a nicer city, more laid back and got friends there. Its semesters are starting in Feb so it gives me more time to get ready and just do my own stuff like studying go and writing and drawing. More sunny, and way cheaper. Also it's a campus type uni so I'll be able to find things to do, and grow up and be independant before moving to London ^^.
Then I'll reapply to UCL for their Phd or their LLM, and can spend a year doing research on international human rights. So I'll end up where I want to be anyway.
Just the best thing I've realised from this is that I got to know myself a little better. Everything I've worked towards, it's not just to become a lawyer. It was to understand and to have the power to help people. Protect the innocent, prosecute the unlawful. *laughs*
It was to stop people from misusing the law, or not upholding it, just as there are the syariah courts here, having double standards and completely overlooking equal rights for women.
Doesn't matter if I don't go to UCL now. Just because it's one of the best and specialises in human rights law, if I'm just going there and not learn anything because I'm too unhappy, then what is the use? In the end I'll succeed whereever I am, just need to believe in myself and what I want to do.
*breathes*..............I can breathe now...........
Can feel myself changing..........seeing things in a new way............completely great...................
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 3:51 AM
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