Friday, July 08, 2005
7.05 am- I’m horrendously sleepy. My mind is still awake although I’m trying to scream to it to sleep. Maybe the screaming part should stop……………………………..I think I hear the door. Huh, mother is back………………
10.00 am- Oh god……………….lousy alarm…………………>< I want to sleep…………my blankets are all nice and cosy……….
10.45 am- Oh no……………I’m suppose to be awake. Have to go out with nichan at 2 pm. Got to eat, and wash my hair and gain some outer appearance dignity back!!
10.46 am- I’m waaaaaaakiiiiing……………………….
10.50 am- Huh? Letter? YES, maybe it’s from unimelb with an offer. Oh, it’s UCL again………..congratulations on your admission into UCL…….yadayada, quality of applicants rising………..yadayada…………….etc etc……………..oh……………..
11.30 am- I’m going to throw up. I feel queasy, and sick and nauseous and my head doesn’t feel so right………………….
11.31 am- Nichan calls to cancel outing. He has dentist appointment…….
11.32 am- Damn, damn, damn……………………..Sitting in the bathroom with my body keeled over, arms pressing against the floor trying to draw some sort of feeling into them so as to distract me from whatever mental illness my head has subjected my body to that is making me want to throw up so badly. My body is making volatile jerking movements, trying to throw up. My stomach is heaving. My chest has tightened, making me mutter like a chant every minute to ‘breathe breathe breathe’. Minutes before I was patrolling the room, trying to do the same……………breathe………………..
now I’m just suffering. I’m going insane. My mind is dragging up every detail inducing waves of guilt and nausea and fear. I can’t handle this anymore. Please please make it stop. I don’t want to do this anymore, I can’t. I need psychiatric help. Breathe, breathe, breathe………………….
I can’t go to university. I can’t even get on the plane to go to Melbourne. I’m not even going to survive today. All this guilt and fear is crippling, my body can’t handle it anymore, my mind feels as if I’m filled with leprosy. I need help……………..breathe, breathe, breathe……………..
1.22 pm- I’ll be fine. I need rest. Ok, let’s rest……………….the nausea hasn’t pass, but I can handle…………..calm down…………just watch t.v……………….clear everything out of my head…………………………
2.00 pm- Ok, this isn’t so bad. Calm, simple…………..maybe I can just draw something. Easy easy…………………..
3.05 pm- Doorbell rings. Grandma says ‘it’s your friend’. HUH? What friend? Derek? Wth?????? What’s nichan doing here??? Dentist appointment lasted five minutes he say. Oh………ok……………..
6.09pm- Feet huuurrrrrttttsssssss…………. -.-…………..owwww……………………Got a webcam tho, relatively cheap so I’m happy……………………………………..phone call from some anonymous number, wondering if that’s leopard. It’s UNIMELB!! Actually guy from IDP, but nevertheless Unimelb has extended an offer (AAA/AAB)! YES! Woohoo………………..^^
7.50pm- Loading new webcam…………………………………cool, very cool……………….
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 10:15 PM
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