Tuesday, September 05, 2006
The realm of singlehood is weird. Feeling as if something is missing....something's not normal yet........it's definitely weird. The first few days was spent listless and sobs everytime I thought of something. Everytime I sat in my chair, looked at the computer, walked, thought, talked, went to class.....felt tears and not exactly an ache, but a hardness in the chest.
I wondered and I thought and I debated and still I'm not really sure why.
I don't understand what love is.....I think. Some extent it's this, some extent is that......so much compromising and living with and coping and caring for another person....
Not sure what I'm looking for.....hardly think anyone else do too. Do you, or you, or you know what you're looking for? Sure I'd like a decent guy, someone funny, someone sweet, who listens yet holds a proper conversation, who makes me swoon and think of him and who thinks of me, someone who cares for me and take steps to show that care, someone who's a romantic, a gentlemen, someone who's fun and considerate, who loves to read and imagine and sit with me watching movies. And this and that and this.....
Yet when do you fall in love.....
I'm so tired of guys right now...
Effort to learn to trust someone new, to like them and wonder if they like me back, to find ease and comfort and well...happiness?
I'm just not sure anymore. Stress from work and art makes it hard to maintain making a boyfriend happy and ensuring he makes me happy too. Certainly it does not help if I have to push for things which I think, I hope, I consider would make me happy, yet who knows, right?
Why can't guys just be perfect =).
Kidding..I hope.
Their weirdness makes them enticing I suppose.....joking, yet again.
Not looking for someone who's perfect.......but rather, perfect for me. =)
How weird would it be if someone was listing down their 'ideal girl' and the description matches me?
I wonder how it'll be?
Someone who's weird, emotional, tend to cry, tend to fall apart, not really capable of much, not overly pretty or clever.....am I being too hard on myself? Surely there are positives......
It takes time....to find out about people, especially of me.
Though I'll admit, I make a hard to cope with girlfriend. Difficult to deal, difficult to handle, difficult to comfort, difficult to make happy. I got a headache...
It'll take someone special who can see all those flaws and still feel, I love her....
and I want to do everything I can to make her happy?
Maybe...
Sideline note:- finished Torts essay an hour before deadline. NOT GOOD. Quality was not even considered.
Derek dragged me out after much whining enthusiasm of boredom to a japanese dinner and Coco Black chocolate overload on Saturday. It was the 'monthly airing out' he promised my mother.
Also the fact I needed much destressing.
MADFest was on sunday and will be tackled in the next post.
A few friends did an awesome job in trying to help me feel better. It ranged from continually hugging me, letting me cry against them, massaging my shoulders and staying till 3am watching movies until I fell asleep, dragging me out to chocolate heaven (then hell), writing poems and generally saying, hey it's not so bad you'll survive.
Basically......I want to say thankyou.
There's faculty law dinner tomorrow, skirt wearing a must. I have some 'free' time until our mid semester break hits when I've to delegate time to work on essays, but until then, feel free to drag me for movies, dinners, late night chats, and numerous artwork which of course I need to finish.
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 11:49 PM
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