Friday, March 26, 2010
I'm so tired of pretending something I'm not.
Of being strong and crying each night.
Of being scared and smiling in person.
Of the future and the past and the present and attempting to avoid.
Of regrets and tears and more regrets.
I'm tired.
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 1:02 AM
Tuesday, February 02, 2010
I have not ceased crying for two months straight. Every night begins the tears anew, and I lay exhausted, thinking it'll be alright
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 2:46 AM
Thursday, May 28, 2009
There is a point, when I'm reeling from the nausea, thinking what a worthless worthless girl.
And then I will cry.
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 11:11 PM
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
When I was on the meds it felt like someone crushed everything into boxes. I felt what I felt in a tiny daze, constricted and muted, as if everything was monotone. I wanted to cry and I couldn't. I wanted to scream and I couldn't. It was as if I was passing every day with a disjointed empathy, and didn't care what happened.
Atleast I knew what was wrong. It had a name, it was an illness. I wasn't crazy.
I'm so unsuitable. So idiotic and stupid, and lacking in intelligence.
I've let everyone down. I've let him down, imperfect, unwanted, sick.
Such such a failure.
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 11:22 PM
Monday, April 13, 2009
I go through life always feeling unwanted.
And in the course of it always destroying every possible relationship.
My mother is always so unhappy, in no uncertain terms I've ruined her life and the only way she could be contented was to leave.
My grandmother spent so so much time dedicating herself to raising her kid's child...and in so doing she neglects herself.
And everyday with my father we grow apart, little in common and more difference to breach.
And then I feel I'm never important enough to keep, the outsider and the third wheel. So afraid to allow others be important because everytime it's so disappointing.
I wake up everyday, wanting to die. And so afraid because it's true. So prominent. So definitive. I can't breathe, and when she's gone, I won't have to.
---
Abandonment issues. Seriously.
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 8:41 PM
Saturday, April 04, 2009
I know when I look in the mirror, I see your lines,
You were never pretty, and now uglier still,
Did you think it was easy, were you saved,
At 6 am, staring back,
Saying I'm sorry.
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 7:28 PM
Monday, March 30, 2009
And always. Perhaps I'm really stupid after all.
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 12:08 AM
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Where no sounds thread through the room, where I lay to love and breathe,
Where the voices finally sleep,
I see your eyes bright watching me, itching, glancing, furtively,
Waiting for me to slip and again,
To tell me, I miss you,
My faded scars.
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 7:53 PM
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Sometimes when I look at you, I wish I could draw a knife across your face.
Trace the scars across your wrist, across your heart, and watch it drip into the sink.
I'll draw a ruby red smile across your mouth, to mimic the lies you whisper against my breast.
And see it all washed away.
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 12:14 PM
Monday, March 16, 2009
How could I have so easily let go.
Forgotten and given up.
Have I ever said, how disappointed you made me.
Of all the people, there was only one person I trusted. I didn't care about the others...but you were the one I trusted and you hurt me. You hurt me...and that's why I forced everything to go away, that's why I tried so hard to forget.
I spoke again because she begged me too. The day she was hysterical and everyone was crying and she said please, and I said ok. I remembered.
How could I have so easily let go...
You've told me what a burden I am in your life.
How could I have so easily let go....
Because you needed me before. And now I knew you were alright. You were going to be ok. And you are.
I am not.
I'm alive because she's important. And I'm so much..so much stronger than she is. I can survive but she can't. I live for her, but everyday I wish.
I wish I had died.
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 3:25 AM
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Birthday Present for age 22:-
Chocolate Milkshake.
Thanks Mich!
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 5:31 PM
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
I'm depressed.
Lovely.
Cue, anxiety.
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 2:30 PM
Friday, March 06, 2009
I'm tired all the time. Weary. Unhappy.
It never goes away, this friend of mine, perpetual by my side, filling my head with stories.
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 1:36 AM
Tuesday, March 03, 2009
Dancing, dancing my world's worries away.....dancing my life's worries away....dancing my life away.
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 11:16 PM
Sunday, March 01, 2009
I'm now 22. And spent the day looking at gray skies.
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 9:57 PM
Saturday, February 28, 2009
I think I'm agoraphobic.
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 4:03 PM
Thursday, February 26, 2009
I want to die. Why am I always so useless, always crying, always scared, always I can't do anything. I miss my grandma. Always always, if there's one person I want to stay for. I can't. I try to fill the time with new interests, new activities, I say I can always find something to occupy my thoughts. It's never important. Always crying, always scared, always ever never as good as I hope to be. I wish I could make her proud. I wish I knew why I'm always always crying.
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 11:06 PM
I am actually at the moment quite depressed. Not the 'bleh emo depressed', but rather the I'm thinking of suicide every night type depressed. I'm not quite sure whether it is the stress from applying for internships and realizing that I don't really have much of a career or that there is seriously something with me. I'm terrified. Panic inducing terrified. When I'm cooped up, especially in a vehicle for more than 20 minutes, I start getting sick, quite obvious when I broke out in a sweat and gasping for air while cabbing home from the airport. I feel so out of control....
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 10:01 PM
Sunday, February 22, 2009
I'm contemplating......I'm contemplating that lately I've been thinking about death alot.
And that really.....all this frustration will amount to nothing.
Rejection is imminent.
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 4:01 AM
Wednesday, February 04, 2009
Yesterday, I discovered, to much horror, there was a massive fat book hidden at the back of the shelves which I haven't yet read! Oh my.
And it was a book I thought I didn't get too....Eldest, the sequel to Eragon by Christopher Paolini.
The reason I was so horrified is because for the past month I've been scrambling and making my library a wreck in the search to reread old books. Books, I've found, new ones anyway, gleaming away in big bookstores, are intensely expensive. Somehow I can no longer justify getting that new awesome $60 paperback. Boo. Much boo.
So I've reread all of Diana Wynne Jones, LJ Smith's Dark Visions, Tamora Pierce's Quartets, the Mercedes Lackey books I have, Eddings' Athalus, and even manged to finish Terry Brooks Shannara novels (the original series anyway) and other random bits and pieces that look good.
Then I spied the big fat red cover at the back, and went hmmmm. Truthfully I disliked Paolini's Eragon. In the same vein as the Shannara novels, Eragon was derived from much better, much more original fantasy epics and hodged podged together. Finishing it I was so sorely disappointed, it lacked depth, it was all aspiring to be, and not quite reaching there. I think if it weren't for Paolini's age when he first published the book, it wouldn't have quite reached the status the trilogy have today. Plus the movie disregarded much of the book and is partway decent.
So apparently I did get the second book eventhough I distinctly remember pointedly ignoring it the last few times I was in a bookstore.
And yes, the pace is slow, the secondary characters especially Roran outshone Eragon, and I knew for sure Murtagh did not die =.=
Sigh.
Anyways, I'm feeling grumpy today.
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 11:49 PM
Monday, February 02, 2009
Rules: Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it’s because I want to know more about you.
I was tagged by Suan.
Pwoah....all I can think of is very depressing things......=(
1) Books, books, books. They're the only things guaranteed that'll make me happy, although now I feel quite sheepish roaming in the young teen section and have to, you know, go haunt the non-teen sections =(
2) My typical sneeze consists of multiple (atleast ten) achoos consecutively.
3) If you think I am clumsy now, when I started school (at age 6) I managed to fall and come home with bloody knees every week without fail. I did manage to bypass the breaking of limbs during childhood phase, then proceeded to break my head at age 17.
4) My most favourite person in the world is my grandma, no matter how much we may argue or fight for the remote control.
5) I've always wanted an older brother.
6) Best place to fall asleep? In a moving car. Can't do it on the plane though.
7) If no one is looking (aside from the cat), I'd sing and boogie around madly in the living room. Usually nude. Possibly out of tune.
8) I've a thing for feet. And stripy socks.
9) From the chinese side of the family, I like to eat all sort of things like tripe and durian. From the french side of the family, I've learned what NOT to like, unfortunately they turn out to be oysters, and escargots. I HAVE eaten a total of 3 snails, under duress and never again.
10) For that matter- bubble tea, sashimi, wicked wings. The typical dinner when I'm living alone (with the cat, during university semesters), and when I'm too lazy to cook spaghetti.
11) I can't really stand shopping. Unless it's for books or art supplies.
12) No one has really noticed I've been involved in every dance production in high school and oh my, I was a cheerleader.
13) I've a crippling fear of bathrooms, mirrors and walking up and down stairs.
14) There is a tendency for me to have intense up and down moments so you'll either get a hug or wry cynicism.
15) I don't think more children should be brought into the world because there are already plenty who are suffering, and I have a low tolerance for idiotic parents....or idiotic people in general. Life is already plenty testing, without people making it worse.
For that matter, I think there should be compulsory parenting classes and some sort of system engineered so that only people with good parenting genes get to have off-springs.
16) It shouldn't really surprise people that I also support dictatorships...if, you know, I was the one doing the dictating. I already have plans to invade an island. Just to start off with.
17) I'm actually quite fascinated by human nature.
18) I prefer and communicate better via writing as opposed to speaking. I think I have a lisp.
19) I say three as tree. The sound 'th' is difficult for me.
20) Sometimes I think I'm way too ambitious and wonder if I can live up to it.
21) When I'm nervous I rock back and forth and pick at my lips, which would explain why they're always rough and in need of lip balm.
22) Most productive time of the day? 2a.m-6a.m. Which would explain the constant dark rings around my eyes.
23) I use procrastination like a well honed weapon. Mainly cos I'm too much of a perfectionist in a really weird way and know that once I begin something I HAVE to do it well and it usually involves just staring at the task for a really long time which is another form of procrastination anyway.
24) I'm a terribly conflicting person and find it obsessively interesting and boring at the same time.
25) Urm. This is sort of demonstrative that I have a hard time starting something and end up finishing quite quickly. Ta.
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 4:19 PM
