Friday, March 31, 2006
The problem with me is that I don't realise. Or...I do realise but I don't care. Rather not because I don't care about it but rather I don't care enough to care about myself.
Today is officially crash day. Total depression. Finally it hits, I can cry and go blah, life sucks.
It started since law tute. Seated in class...finally spoke...and then *ignore*
TT.....wah, so depressing. So blah...so bleh...so....
We were given a problem.....we as lawyers are to advice our client on proper action according to statutory law.
My team members apparently gave up based on the word 'may' which suggests discretion on the part of the officials but I'm arguing that the reason for disallowing permit was not on valid grounds, that it wasn't part of requirement but merely the opinion of the official. Thus that gives ground for bringing action. They took one look at me and said...'but theres the word may...'
*sweatdrops*
I tried explaining a few times and then promptly shut up...
Walked to library to search for the bibliographied books I 'needed' for history essay, realised they were all 2 hr loans...spent 30 bucks photocopying chapters of some of the books, lugged them back...at the back of my mind I'm thinking...I don't have all the information I need......
Go club....outsider....outsider....outsider......
Don't understand their engineering....don't understand their computer science....don't fit into their group...
I don't make friends well....I'm a very unapproachable person....and stupid...and idiotic....and stupid....
Also very depressing. People don't realise the sadness is constantly there, it doesn't flare up unexpectedly but rather the glimmering happiness shuts down and you see bleak reality.
There's not much purpose for you in life, not much to human action. Besides to procreate?
Everything shuts down and you're reminded that life is filled with insecurities.
Today, I just felt...no need to care, no need to bother...and promptly cried as I reached my bedroom desk and freaked my roommate out.
I needed to be alone, needed to get away.
This is me....sensitive, filled with insecurities and liable to state that nothing matters much in life for reality is of perception.
But I don't want to believe in that, with no trust in human kind, but I know I'm thinking of it so just....
Dilshan said...the most important thing in his life was himself, the one thing he cannot lose is himself....and if he does, he'll feel lonely. First realisation was that it was a rather selfish approach to life. Second realisation was...I understood him. For in the end all that is left is yourself and your thoughts.
No matter how much human beings like to think that the concepts of friendship and love exists, it is nothing more than to convince themselves of the nobility of their actions for treating some people better than others. But friends would never understand how you feel eventhough they understand what you say, they'll never feel your feelings and emotions no matter how transparent you are, they'll never be you because they aren't you. They can like you, they can care for you, they can be with you, some less, some more, but still they'll never realise what you are thinking. It's bleak, it's lonely, but true.
All there is, is yourself, your thoughts, your mind. Some cannot handle this and tried to surround themselves with friends, some convinces themselves they need others to be happy, some are content to be with themselves, and others realise...it will always be just them, with their thoughts, however dark and depressing, if you lose it, you lose everything....and however much you can regret it, you're scared to let it go.
Thus it is just bleak thoughts and the acceptance of absolute unhappiness and transcient happiness.
I don't remember what I told Paul today but I'm sure it's along the lines of some depressing theory of life and he disagreed with it. He found it rather uncomfortable to believe and I guess it's because it makes human actions seem so shallow, so without purpose. Rather depressing, but really...there is no nobility, no selflessness.
He also asked what I thought about Dilshan....a few times now and those few times I've shrugged and made some non commital reply because I'm not sure how to voice it.
And because of that, it confuses me and makes my actions irrational and I know they are irrational and am aware why I'm irrational, it doesn't prevent me feeling confused anyway.
I like Dilshan...at the very least I like him as a person and as a 'friend' (in inverted commas due to my lack of faith in the concept of 'friendship' as mentioned above), and I admire him...massively.
Before, at around the time I've met Derek, people have been telling me about the Melbourne go club and that Sigh and Dango were there. I've noticed Sigh around as an assisant and possibly chatted with him once when he helped me with a comp problem. Then when I was to come to the university of melbourne, it became you have to meet Sigh and Dango.
I'm sure I've freaked Sigh out through several KGS pms...I can be quite cheerful and random on KGS....he on the other hand was quite distant or can be so...being the assistant role I guess. Once he logged in through another account and I didn't know and we got to chatting and really, it was nice. When I found out it was him, I was pleasantly surprised to see that he can be friendly.
First time meeting Dilshan was during O week....awkward at first...he was rather busy and passed me onto another player...but already there's this expectation...he was Sigh after all, he's in the go club and one person I 'know' that wasn't through Derek.
I'm not sure of what I thought of him.....I knew he was a strong go player...he can be ruthless on the board, but he's an amazing teacher and at explaining concepts of go, patient and restless in a way.
His voice conveys a strength, really level calm direct, yet also anticipation of wanting more and being unsure why the other person is being clueless. Dilshan tend to move around alot, the only time he is still is when he is standing ontop of a chair or a table, curled up in a position or laid out flat. The rest of the time he wanders or he jumps, or he pays attention to other games.
He can quite silly, with a type of response you will see of a child, he would rather hurt you by poking back and drawing on you, grabbing your hand or your leg, physically he is strong, and though Paul says if you make it clear it hurts, he'll let go, I'm not sure Dilshan realises it does hurt.
He has a tendency to stare at you, observing. Derek here makes the connection that Dilshan appraises people first before he talks to them. He would be quiet first and see if he can get the gist of who the people are and then start talking.
He shrugs alot...indecisive, with really no preference for anything. Rather would do nothing than do something.
In a group of people, he'll ignore me...but if we are alone...I feel he is paying attention and he does speak. There was a pleasantness there and he looks at you, just smiling.
He would find the simplest things amazingly funny...like words in a legal dictionary, or the fact that I haven't see a particular nut before.
He can be seen as quite selfish, into his own world....emotionally distant perhaps or just unsure of how to handle a situation he hasn't been in....
Tremendously smart, tremendously creative, a sort of obnoxious, he'll know everything yet says he doesn't, say's that he is uncreative or stupid...
He has vulnerability in his expression....
On a romantic level....I feel I'm attracted to him. Not sure why, as my head is saying somehow I would never become a priority to him even if he was interested.
He's complex, and he confuses me....
Derek says....it would be better if we had things in common, common interests perhaps...but he doesn't show he has a preference for anything and he does eng/com sci which is basically the opposite of law/arts. But he likes go...he likes anime..he likes to read books. I just don't know if he likes me.....sometimes I feel as if I'm annoying him, sometimes that I'm insignificant, sometimes as if I was there yeah, but just a momentary distraction. Then there are times when I would look into his eyes or his hand would touch mine and ......well......it's definitely nice....
It frustrates me that I can't talk to him as much as I want to....
And right now....all this homesickness, these feelings of being lost and misplaced, of not fitting in, of not being part of the group, the feelings that I don't want to be at college, that I can't handle my subjects, that I just want to curl up or go see Derek or someone I can cry to.....it's overwhelming. It's scary.....and I need someone who can hold me.
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 11:37 PM
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