Wednesday, September 07, 2005
Been feeling....................hmmmmmm................
Having so much fun in go ..........just playing when I feel like it and with anyone who challenges altho most are 20k and under. It's fun being able to just relax and not have expectations, but still hurts alot when I see my moves aren't doing anything, coming to uselessness. Feels frustrating to not feel that fire I once had, and that instinct, that fight for points when I used to play with the others, even coming close to winning against prodigious or daywalker. Now even Kuudee has risen to a strength of single digit kyuness, can't understand his moves when I watch his games...............and we were of the same strength only a few months before......
Got thoroughly decimated by a mid 20 kyuer......................hmm, a good thing was that I didn't feel pride getting in the way....just accepted it even as I lost my whole side, my whole top moyo. I could see my opponent wasted moves killing stones I had left for later, and yet still........the game wasn't mine at all, lost everything and bad, barely 50 moves in. Resigned with a smile..........
Am I accepting my own weakness....? I can't decide whether that's good or not, whether I'm accepting my weakness and going to get stronger or accepting it and giving up.............feels ...............useless............every click an admonition towards my lack of strength and understanding.......................
K kun says he'll help.................that every player goes through this stage of getting weaker before nailing *smiles*, before finally getting the knowledge of what we are reading from the books, from the studying..............then the games will get better............supposedly..........says he'll help so I can get stronger.....................can't help but feel that he'll be so bored. So evident from our last teaching games, all of them from months back, games where the teacher smiles and look upon the student struggling to place a move, smiling with a click of the stones upon the board, ever controlling, perhaps random, knowing the student can never surpass the move of each white stone, and merely looks away...........bored, indifferent, humouring........one game, a few games among many, they hold no interest, no spark whatsoever..................
I am slumped in my chair and my head buried in my arms upon my knee....................................
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 10:55 PM
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