When I was on the meds it felt like someone crushed everything into boxes. I felt what I felt in a tiny daze, constricted and muted, as if everything was monotone. I wanted to cry and I couldn't. I wanted to scream and I couldn't. It was as if I was passing every day with a disjointed empathy, and didn't care what happened.
Atleast I knew what was wrong. It had a name, it was an illness. I wasn't crazy.
I'm so unsuitable. So idiotic and stupid, and lacking in intelligence. I've let everyone down. I've let him down, imperfect, unwanted, sick.
I go through life always feeling unwanted. And in the course of it always destroying every possible relationship.
My mother is always so unhappy, in no uncertain terms I've ruined her life and the only way she could be contented was to leave. My grandmother spent so so much time dedicating herself to raising her kid's child...and in so doing she neglects herself. And everyday with my father we grow apart, little in common and more difference to breach.
And then I feel I'm never important enough to keep, the outsider and the third wheel. So afraid to allow others be important because everytime it's so disappointing.
I wake up everyday, wanting to die. And so afraid because it's true. So prominent. So definitive. I can't breathe, and when she's gone, I won't have to.
I know when I look in the mirror, I see your lines, You were never pretty, and now uglier still, Did you think it was easy, were you saved, At 6 am, staring back, Saying I'm sorry.
+The Writer+
Taka is a young law/arts student, often bumbling through life and trying to be a person rather than being defined by social conventions.
Shy, geeky, emotional, proud, and quite bisexual, doesn't smoke, drink sometimes, passionate about most things, Taka spends time dreaming, dancing, drawing and watching movies, often anime.
Is in love with the idea of love, gives hugs at the most random times, and is constantly worrying about people eventhough it does not look like it.
Aspires to either become a beautiful hermit by the river or a world dictator.
+The Blog+
Niflheim represents both light and darkness, of the celebration and distaste of life, of musings and incoherent thought. It is an outlet for personified angst and pessimism with chuckfuls of laughter and smiles.
It is Taka's way of drawing out all the little disturbing thoughts giving rise to nightmares, a way to self reflect, a way to seek solace.
