Monday, October 15, 2007
It's difficult to comprehend the shock people feel at hearing anything close to mental illness/depression/suicide. It is like having something very very bad suddenly approach your nearly perfect life and then it is no longer perfect.
What happens when someone tells you they've attempted suicide before, yes they've gone through depression. What happens when this is something you're going through?
It is quite different from the many people who've told me they've thought about suicide because of [insert reason here]. Suddenly upon your revelation they feel it is safe or perhaps camaraderie of them to share even though it's perhaps something in passing.
And you still feel alone. Even somewhat of a freak.
But when it is real, I'm surprised that I didn't sense a feeling of 'I understand'. Instead it was more of a I felt sick and proceeded to throw up in the toilet.
I guess it was a night of many revelations.
One in that when you're told how someone would drive while blinding drunk hoping to crash into a wall, or popping sleeping pills with alcohol and falling into a comatose state, you won't feel safe. Instead you relive through the days and nights when you're spent rocking yourself to sleep because of the dark and scary thoughts that won't leave your head. You're left remembering how lonely, how scared, how sick you felt, how cold everything was. You are forced to think of the times when you don't care, you're willing to do anything for the pain to stop. And when you're helpless, you can't move or think or scream. You knew how bad it felt, and knowing someone else went through it isn't helping.
Second in that the pain is very much internal. And somehow, constantly thinking of yourself is probably why it deepens. When someone else needs you, that's when it stops. For the moment.
I'm afraid that it's going to come back. How am I suppose to suppress it for good?
Therapist says we need to work on addressing my emotional needs. Except my emotional needs are doing worse for me than anything.
Life's funny that way.
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 11:52 AM
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