Thursday, October 14, 2004
I am born the son of a bitch. I hate her………….I hate her………….I hate her…………..there is no deeper emotion of revulsion and chagrin everytime I hear her voice, everytime I am forced to see her blasphemous face, everytime I have to inhale her vile smoke…………….I hate her………….
But to say hate, is to have liked her first…………….never…….not when I was a child……..not when I was growing up………….not when I have realized the impossible prison she had locked me under ignorance, incapability, dependency………fear…………isolation…………perceptibly the lowest self esteem to have graced this earth with a birth of a human being…………….
I………….do……….not………..like………..her………………
Her, my mother………………..hah! great……..now every birth giving women shall be called a mother ne? vicious term…………binding you to eternal slavery behind the façade of limitless love where one is exposed to terror and humiliation and self loathing……………self loathing mistakably pointed to me when it should be at her………………
Perhaps I was Hitler in my past life……… I am punished now……………has the punishment been not enough that I was born to her? Must it be that I live each and every day under her mocking smirk………..a contemptible smile to the outside world…………..turn to yelling, screaming, degradation within the house……………..her friends…….are…….more important……….than we are…………….
Like she has a reputation……….yes she does……………..shallow………selfish………..vain…………..fakery is the epitome of her being……………her existence…………………sadistic is hardly a word for her presence…..she is mere despicability…………….
Everyday….every moment………..her waking up every morning brings the stark chilling dread…..you hope…………please, please…..just go away…………….. I prefer an absent mother….than one who pretends to be here, lying…cheating……..fakery…………
I don’t understand……I really don’t………so many families out there, I had to be in this one……..with her………. I don’t understand how someone could pretend to be a mother when she has never done the job…never been here…….never listened………never freaking god damn let someone have their own life without her freaking control when she is so god damn stupid!! All she is ever concerned with is her parties, her socialites, her magazines…..her freaking make up that makes her look like she has came back from the dead and decided to go to a party, her incessant smoking, her constant image that screams FAKE! FAKE! FAKE! FAKE!
Let me make this clear then……………I don’t like her……..I’ve never likes her………..she is not a mother, will never be, was never one………….I hate her………. I hate the way she only gives advice, stuff that she heard from other people and which has no relevance to my life…. I hate the way she is so ignorant yet pretends to be clever when everyday she has to ask to spell a simple word…..I hate the way she spends the whole day wrapped up in her palm pilot when she doesn’t even know how to use the sms function properly…….I hate the way she insists she is right when she doesn’t even know all the facts, and in actuality she is in the wrong………I hate the way she refuses to stop smoking even though her only child has astma since young………I hate the way she barges into my room to use the bathroom when she has one of her own………I hate the way she interrupts my conversations on the phone then scream if I interrupt hers to give her a message……I hate the way she eavesdrop into my conversation, bearing no mind of personal privacy, then screams at everyone is her own conversations are interrupted……….I hate the way she just sits there on the couch, smoking, drinking coffee which she doesn’t make herself, not bothered with anyone and yet bothering the rest of us…….I hate the way she orders everyone around, screaming at her own mother………..I hate the way she takes us for granted……..I hate the way she purses her lips……….I hate the way she just leaves to ‘go on holiday’ when she is on holiday twenty four seven every year……..I hate the way she thinks her work is important when what she does is going to parties and giggling with rich old snobbish women…… I hate the way she grovels their existence, pretending she is the one who is important and that she is doing this for the good of everyone…I hate the way she thinks people like her when they don’t……..I hate the way she plays games, thinking she is doing the right thing, games which involves people…….I hate the way she discards people when they are no longer useful to her………I hate the way she thinks it’s other people’s fault when she was the one being a bitch…….I hate the way she insists she is important….when she is an insignificant speck that doesn’t contribute anything……..I hate the way she thinks she looks beautiful when she goes for plastic surgery and botox injections, redoing her nose, tucking her eyes………..I hate the way she dismisses anything I say, hate the way she thinks I’m irrelevant, hates the way she thinks that I am useless yet can get into Oxford to support her in her old life…………………………………….
Get this…………….you are old. You are fake. You are ignorant. You are useless. You are unlikable.
I hate you……….your only child hates you………..get this.
Mused by Sukunami Taka around 10:19 PM
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